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feeling like a horrible mother

Posted by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 9:08 PM
  • 10 Replies

okay so i have no idea if she's going to see this but i need some advice please ladies!!  I met a girl on cafemom and she's lives in my town and we met up and hung out a couple times. The girl is married and i don't like her husband at all. He calls her names and orders her around and makes her do every little thing and NEVER  helps out with their baby. I want to keep hanging out with her becuase she's nice (and i don't have one single friend here becuase i just moved and i am working on finding my way around for friends), but she doesnt go anywhere without her husband. He always HAS to come wherever she goes. What i thought was going to be a girl trip to the mall ended up with him be litteling her infront of my daughter, and i didn't like him comming into victoria secrets and pointing out what i should get to wear for my husband :( I asked her if she'd ever want to hang out just us and she said she does everything with her husband. I couldn't just leave bc we all traveled on bus together and i don't know what bus to take or where to go and a cab would have cost 100$ to get home! Well the other day i  brought my 4 year old daughter over to their house (to give dh his "space") with me to hang out and play wii. He was calling his wife stupid and fat and cussing infront of my daughter. He was yelling at her and stuff and i was uncomfortable and angered how he treats her. I wanted to leave then and there but i didn't want to hurt the girls feelings as she says she's got no friends (i now understand why!). My daughter was being exposed to a lot of negative behavior from that man. Then out of the blue he took my daughters little stuffed puppy and pretended to choke it and slam it against the wall and i was horrified. I was SOOOO stupid to keep my daughter there!! SO SO SO SO STUPID!!! A while later as i ran over and over in my head we shouldn't be there, her husband took the wii when she was playing with me(he never lets her do anything!) and dd was in the back(we told her to stay on the couch several times bc we were swinging) and ran and the same time he swun his fist really hard with the wii remote in it (the baseball wii) and he hit her on accident sooo hard against the side of her head she went flying so serious!!!. He was surprised and looked like he felt bad...i was soo worried she had a cuncussion!!! that's how hard the blow was to me! They got me some ice and i held my daughter and  told her to keep her eyes open and put the ice on her head. I got my stuff and left. Later on the girl texted me to see if my daughter was okay i said she was. The girl felt really bad. I had my dh look at the bump it was big...it still hurts her when i give her a bath. She did feel fine after i got home and she said as long as i didn't touch it it was okay. I feel like the worse mom in the entire world. I haven't slept in a couple days bc of it and i check on her every hour of the night. and i think it was a mix of "oh a person to finally hang out with" and "but i dont want my husband on my arse about space" mixed in that caused me not to leave right away :( Dh said if she stopped crying after like 5 minutes and she's playing normal and stuff she is fine, but still i should have left that place first thing when that man started verbally abusing his wife! The wife doesn't deserve it. she's very nice and friendly and i'd love to have hung out with just her...but i can't without her husband therefore, dh says i shouldn't associate around them its not healthy. I feel like a horrible mother. I look at my daughter and i'm almost in tears after what happaned. What should i do??? sorry this is kinda mixed up. I'm seriously feeling horrible about this situation

by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 9:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
nei-nei
by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 9:14 PM

Uhhh, wow. I have no idea what to say. My husband would have came over there and kicked his butt for hurting my baby. It may have been an accident, but he is not a cool guy to have your kids exposed to. There is NO way I could have her as a friend that I hung out with. I don't want that type of behavior around my children.
Good luck

akgraff
by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 9:20 PM

thanks. Yeah that was the first time i brought her over there and i didn't realize that his potty mouth and actions were still going to be like that around kids. They have a 4 month old...i'm worried about the baby now and the mom. but  as much as i need a friend...i need my daughters saftey more

Quoting nei-nei:

Uhhh, wow. I have no idea what to say. My husband would have came over there and kicked his butt for hurting my baby. It may have been an accident, but he is not a cool guy to have your kids exposed to. There is NO way I could have her as a friend that I hung out with. I don't want that type of behavior around my children.
Good luck


BonnieB1973
by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 9:20 PM

understand you feel horrible.... but you know your heart was in the right place so give yourself some slack there.  Sounds like a bad enviroment so just do not put yourself or your child in it again.....

camy41075
by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 9:22 PM

I would have kicked his ass myself....I do not undrstand a woman letting a man talking to her that way. I would have to say I have stood up to men who do that to friends.

nei-nei
by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 9:22 PM

But usually if they are like that the first time they meet you, it can give you a pretty good idea of how they are going to be all the time. I feel really sorry for that mom. :-(

akgraff
by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 9:25 PM

i feel sorry for her too. She doesn't seem happy at all, but she told me she doesn't work etc. so i'm afraid she's dependent on her and she seems like a bright young person. I really wanted to help her too, but i'm afraid i can't so i'm back to square one meeting new peoiple

FrogSalad
by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 9:45 PM

It sounds like her husband is a control freak and if you hang around with her he will try to control you, too.  The Victoria's Secret incident shows that, imo.

I understand that you feel bad, but this young woman isn't your problem to solve.  You have your family to think about first and foremost.  If your husband needs space, maybe take your daugther to the mall by yourself and just walk the halls if you have to; or go to the park, etc.  I wouldn't put myself or my child back into that environment.  Lesson learned.

I don't mean to sound insensitive to the other woman's situation but she needs more help than you are qualified to provide.  Her husband is isolating her on purpose and if she allows it then there's not much you can do about it.

Maybe stay online friends and telephone buddies?

athenax3
by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 9:51 PM

I know you feel bad, I would too. But life is to short and too precious to fill it with people like her dh and you can't do anything about her choice to remain with someone like that. All you can do is cut ties, offer her verbal support through the phone or online, but otherwise keep your distance. Personally, I'd tell her why-so that at least she understands that you do like her, but her dh makes you uncomfortable. and you are absolutely right, your dd comes first - and it doesn't sound like a situation you or her should be exposed to. Best of luck finding some new friends.

sophiesmom07
by on Feb. 20, 2010 at 10:04 PM

Wow, that is tough.   I understand why you feel bad, but don't beat yourself up about it.  Her husband sounds very controlling and abusive.  He's not hiding this negative behavior in front of you so who knows what goes on behind closed doors? He seems very high strung, who knows what could happen if they got into a fight while you and your dd were there.  Telling you what you should buy at VS? That is just weird and inappropriate. 

Follow your instincts, it seems your gut is telling you to stay away.  I feel bad for your friend, but you have to protect yourself and your dd.    Better alone than in bad company...

Hope your dd is better.

akgraff
by on Feb. 21, 2010 at 7:31 AM

thanks everyone. Yeah i'm going to talk to her about it. I can't personally be around that kind of thing either bc its down right depressing and stressful!!

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