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Mother to Stepmother: Necessary Conversation???

Posted by on May. 24, 2010 at 1:20 PM
  • 11 Replies

Hi Ladies,

   I hope all is well. My 3 year old daughter's father is getting re-married and I'll be having a conversation with my daughter's step-mother-to-be in a few weeks. My daughter's father and I have had a great co-parenting relationship since we parted several years ago and I have had some pleasant interactions with his fiance over the past year. But now that she'll be a permanent parental influence in my daughter's life, I think it's important to establish a better relationship, especially to make sure that we are on the same page about values, discipline, structure and priorities for my daughter.

I'd also like for all of us to be as helpful as possible as we go through this next transition of them getting married and establishing a home, with two pre-teen boys, who I've had lots of interaction with. One of the boys is my daughter's half-brother, the other is the son of the fiance.

I'd love to know if anyone out there has been in this situation, how they handeled the transistion, what type of conversation and topics they discussed with the new stepmother, and what issues came up that they didn't expect, but found a way to work through.

I'm all about being solution-oriented and prepared. So if you can assist with feedback, I'd be appreciative. Thanks much! JD

Joyce E. Davis

Blogging at about "Six Years After Spelman Students Took on Nelly"

Blogging at about Job Opportunities

by on May. 24, 2010 at 1:20 PM
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by Robyn on May. 24, 2010 at 1:50 PM

I haven't been in this situation, but it sounds to me like you're off to a good start. I would say to her just what you said to us! You sound friendly and pro-active, not angry or worried. I say just be yourself and tell them what your hopes are.

Best of luck! =)

by on May. 24, 2010 at 2:14 PM

I think it's amazing that there's been such a good relationship with your ex and it's so great that you all are sitting down to even discuss it. It sounds like you are off to a great start :)

by on May. 24, 2010 at 2:17 PM

Wow! Would you be our BM?

I think you should talk with your ex to know what he has discussed (if anything) with his soon-to-be about parenting your daughter. You also need to decide what you are comfortable with in regards to her parenting your daughter.

If your ex and his fiance have been living together for a while then I'm guessing she has had some general contact with your daughter. I would talk to her about how things are going with having another boy in the house, her frustrations, etc. Make her well informed on the ins and outs of your daughter and let her know you are there to help her be a successful parent to these new kids in her life.

I think things will go great if she is as open to this as you are. Good Luck!!!

by on May. 24, 2010 at 3:01 PM

Yep.  It sounds like you already are doing all the right things.  My sister and her son's father have a fairly decent relationship but it's been rocky at times in the past.  Oddly enough, it was one of her ex's girlfriends that got him to step up and be in his son's life. 

Good luck to you!

by on May. 24, 2010 at 4:01 PM

Thanks so much for all the great encouragement and suggestions ladies!


by on May. 24, 2010 at 4:59 PM

i like pretty much everything that you said.  it sounds pretty much like you want to bring everyone to the table and get everyone on board with the same 'raising' style.  the only suggestion i would i would have it be you, your ex and his new SO come together and talk.  that will make it a little easier on her i think...and you can just state what you stated and then have a group everyone's opinions are known.  after that (assuming it goes well, which i would assume it would according to the info you gave) i would invite all three of the kids into the discussion (or plan it for a different time if necessary) and have them express their opinions...and at the same time...kinda lay down the law and let them know ahead of time that you all (parental figures) are on the same page and will be a united front well as all be there for anything they need or want to talk about.  that might be good for them to transition as well

by on May. 24, 2010 at 5:02 PM

I haven't been in this situation but I think it's great that you want to maintain a good realtionship and allow her to "mother" your daughter, as well.

by on May. 24, 2010 at 5:03 PM

I haven't been through this but I applaude you for being so open to the new step-mother and for working so hard to make everything wonderful with your daughter.  So often all we hear about if bitterness and plotting to make each others life miserable and the kids are the ones who suffer.  It sounds like you and your ex have done a wonderful job and that you are going to do great with the new situation as well and your daughter will be better for it.  Nice job!

by on May. 25, 2010 at 2:14 AM

butterfly-jo, bhwrn1, and countrygirlkat, thank you for your suggestions and the positive feedback. I really appreciate it. JD

by on May. 25, 2010 at 2:28 AM

Hi joyce! I am the step mother of a beautiful two year old girl. My better half and her mother was together all of three months. We were good friends in elementary school yet I hadn't seen her in years. I met Cody at work and we were great friends.. Both of us had gotten out of really bad relationships we became the best of friends.  I have been around since Miss. Chloe was born I am her girl.. It is "very" important for you and the step mother as well as the father too keep a friendship for the baby. The baby can understand and needs that from you. P.S. Also remember that the step parent is probably just as nervous as you are..

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