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Agressive Preschooler!

Posted by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:43 AM
  • 8 Replies

I added this to my journals but I wasn't gettting any responses:

So... It's been a LONG time since I have been active on this site and I would love more than anything to become a  frequent member again. However I am getting used to all the changes that happend since I was last on so I will be making my cry for help here, because I don't know how to work these thread posts yet... just give me time! LOL....


Here Goes....


Back story: If it hadn't been for this site and some of the amazing women I met on here I wouldn't have had the courage and support to leave my daughter's abusive "father". I've been through a lot and I am a better stronger person. I am finishing up my degree in Education and I am working as hard as I can to provide a stable and loving environment for my daughter.


Problem: I feel lost on discipline when it comes to my daughter. My daughter's father was extremely abusive towards  me, after her witnessing some of this (although she was only one I worry that she will be affected by it) I felt strongly about not using corporal punishment. However reality hit and my three year old is not the sweet little princess she has herself believing she is! Tantrums are all the time, I took her to dinner tonight and she began throwing things across the dinner table. If she isn't immediately given what she wants when she wants it, it is an all out war with her. She has become aggressive towards me, and anyone who stands in her way. I feel guilty because so much of my time has been consumed with school, but taking breaks has only prolonged my schooling I am trying to finish and I believe that is for the greater good. She actually yells and screams, she has started sucking on her fingers or tries to shove her entire fist into her mouth when she becomes uncontrollably upset.

My daughter is so smart, she knows a lot and loves going to her preschool. I feel like she may be acting out with me. I am really at a loss of what to do. I've read books, I've tried time out, going to her room, spankings, decreased nap times, increased nap times. I signed her up for TBall at our local YMCA so she could be involved in team sports, she loves watching her uncle play baseball.

I hate creating this post, I just feel that I've worn all my options, I don't know if maybe I should look into child counceling or if other people have dealt with this. She really is a bright little girl, when she isn't throwing a fit you could sit and have the longest conversations with her, I am just so concerned about this recent turn towards aggresion.

Any advice would be appreciated! ... Sorry this is so long!

by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:43 AM
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Replies (1-8):
ddhb2007
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:44 AM
You need to pick one method, and stick with it. My daughter responds best to positive reinforcement. We make sure to notice, comment, give attention to her when she's doing something right. We get a lot more good behavior than bad behavior. Don't get me wrong, we still have a tantrum once in a while. My daughter needs quiet time to calm down. We stick her some place safe until she calms herself. Once she's back in control, we can discuss what happened.
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RobynS
by Robyn on Jun. 27, 2010 at 10:29 AM

First of all... congratulations on being strong enough to get out of an abusive situation!!!

Second, do NOT feel guilty for doing what you have to do (school, etc).

Third, be firm and CONSISTENT. She needs boundaries and she is testing to see just how far she can go. Stay strong. If she throws fits in restaurants, tell her she won't get to go any more--you'll find a sitter for her and go without her. You have to be in control, not her. It's hard, I know! But hang in there. And always feel free to come here for support. You are definitely not alone!! =)

thebailiffs
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 10:51 AM

Don't beat yourself up about this.  You have already done so much for you and her.  Way to go and how exciting it is to almost be finished with school.

How as far as your daughter is concerned, determine what you are going to do when she acts up. We count, we use time out and then we take things away. 

I was at a fabric store yesterday with my son and he started acting up. The first thing I did wrong is not let him bring something in the store to sit and play with. This is my mistake, but I was just running in quickly to grab something.  He started acting up kicking me, hitting pulling things from the shelf.  I held him up and in his face told him his behavior was not acceptable, I put him in time out on the floor (yuck!!).  He still was acting up. I started to count then I told him if he didn't stop we were not going to play at the water park.  He contiuned to act up, I told him again to stop and he didn't listen so when we got in the car, I was pissed off!!

I told him due to the fact he could not behave he was going home to take a nap and not play at the water park.  Soon he will learn not to act up in store.  I am also decreasing the time I put him in situations where he can act up. Like going out to dinner, we are going to stop that or reduce it.  He ALWAYS acts up and it horriable when we eat out. So we are going to stop going out as much.  Even when I bring a million thing has can't act right so I am done.  It is a waste of money and energy.

Hope this helps. I am really surprised how much time and energy everyday I spend on behavior.

 

 

annettenikole
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:22 PM

Well Congrats on getting yourself and your daughter into a better situation!  That is awesome!  And all moms go through hard times with punishment!   I agree, being consistant is key!  And I've found that positive works far better then negative!  I've had alot of kids in my kindergarten classes from families with very tough situations (some from abusive parents) and I found that giving extrra attention for the good and minimal attention for the bad has been the key for me!  I used the book 1,2,3 magic... which uses time outs... but more importantly you need to use as few words as possible during unwanted behavior.  So you don't argue or talk about, just ask to stop, count, time out... then you talk when the child is calm.  So hopefully if she's getting very little attention for being naughty  and LOTS of praise and attention when she is being good... she will try to be good more often.

Oh, and a counselor is not a bad idea!  If she saw the abuse (even some of it... or even just verbal abuse) she could really use someone to help process what it all meant... my sister's ex was very verbally abusive in front of her kids and the therapist they see has been SOOO helpful dealing with their anger and feelings!

FriendlyMoma
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:43 PM

HUGS to You! You are a very strong woman......it isn't hard to leave an abusive relationship....... I'm glad you put all the strength you could to move forward and get you and and your child out of that situation, it wasn't a healthy one! I know you are working so hard now to keep things healthy and positive for the future, for yourself and your child.....it isn't easy either! Some great advice was already given....be sure to compliment her when she does make an effort to behave and not act up.....Maybe do a behavior chart, where she can receive stickers for not having a tantrum and trying her best to do the right thing. Reward her good behavior with a sticker and then maybe a bigger reward after a certain amount of stickers (a trip to somewhere fun, or a new toy or icecream, etc. etc.) As for the disciplining the bad behavior, choose something like time out or taking away something that she really likes and before resorting to this, try counting to let her know the warning, for example: (" 1, 2, if i get to 3 and you haven't sat down you will have a time out" ) Good Luck, it isn't easy, but we have to stay consistent and strong!

FriendlyMoma
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:48 PM

I agree with the highlighted below, I forgot to mention, if you haven't already, you should really contact your local domestic violence office, for child counseling.....not just any child counselor will do......you can even get couseling there or at least attend a support group, I'm sure there are other moms going through the same thing. You can also be an inspiration to others who have not been able to move forward! So, you can help other woman and you can get insight on how to help your little one too :)

Quoting annettenikole:

Well Congrats on getting yourself and your daughter into a better situation!  That is awesome!  And all moms go through hard times with punishment!   I agree, being consistant is key!  And I've found that positive works far better then negative!  I've had alot of kids in my kindergarten classes from families with very tough situations (some from abusive parents) and I found that giving extrra attention for the good and minimal attention for the bad has been the key for me!  I used the book 1,2,3 magic... which uses time outs... but more importantly you need to use as few words as possible during unwanted behavior.  So you don't argue or talk about, just ask to stop, count, time out... then you talk when the child is calm.  So hopefully if she's getting very little attention for being naughty  and LOTS of praise and attention when she is being good... she will try to be good more often.

Oh, and a counselor is not a bad idea!  If she saw the abuse (even some of it... or even just verbal abuse) she could really use someone to help process what it all meant... my sister's ex was very verbally abusive in front of her kids and the therapist they see has been SOOO helpful dealing with their anger and feelings!


MelaneesMommie
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 5:30 PM

Thanks for all the advice. I think I am going to come up with some sort of chart for her to earn stickers. I've been looking around my area for a good counselor so hopefully I can get this into motion. Thanks again ladies, its nice to get an outsiders opinion from time to time!

dellywelly
by on Jun. 28, 2010 at 12:30 AM
My son threw a tantrum in a restaurant once. And I wasn't embarrssed to put him in the corner at the restaurant. I recommend sticking to one method, being consistent and disciplining right away no matter where u r at.
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