New to group & STRUGGLING with potty training...

Sometimes it's not about peeing or pooping its about control. :) it is one thing that he has control over!

My suggestion is to take a break for a couple days, don't talk about it or anything. Just go about your day. During this time talk with DH and decide way approach you want to take that everyone can stick with. Then reinitiate potty training.

Also you might try giving 2 options for your son to choose from, "son would you like to try to potty now or after we pick up your blocks" make it something that only takes a few min so he doesn't have to wait too long.

You stressing out isn't helping :) he will figure it out. Some kids take longer and a little more patience!

Hope you get lots of suggestions and find what works for you and him!

Yep, the above response is absolutely correct.  You are in a complete power struggle and, as you are seeing, he wins this one EVERY single time.  he chooses what comes out, where and when and he surely knows it.  He knows he's driving you nuts and he's loving the power and control.  Back off and ignore it completely.  He has to be leading the process and he's not.  He's more focused on ticking you off.  Take his power away by leaving it alone and becoming emotionless even when you want to throttle him.

Tips moving forward:  don't ever ask him if he has to go.  just take him.  don't punish over potty training.  you can reward his successes and when he has an accident remain calm and indifferent and just explain where the pee and poop go again.  once he sees you getting worked up again it'll fuel his fire. 

he's getting old enough to take care of his own accidents.  explain that from now on, he's a big boy and is able to use the potty like a big boy.  if he chooses not to, then he will be in charge of cleaning up the accident and himself.  you may have to go over it later to fully clean it up but put the consequence of his decisions in his hands.

good luck!

I agree with the above.  So, I'd take that approach for the time being with giving it a little rest.

But some things I did with my son was the M&M's in the bathroom.  He would get 1 for each "duty" and one mroe for remembering to wash his hands (that's important too).  So, he could get a total of 3.

We also were allowed to place him in the fully potty trained preschool.  Sounds odd, but him seeing other kids doing it made the transition that much easier on him.

Lastly, we had a goal for him that was out in the future a bit.  His birthday was coming up (almost 3 at the time) and he wanted a blues clues birthday.  So, I told him if he was fully potty trained, he could have his blues clues birthday.  I told the attendees that I'd call them if the bet was off, so if I had to say "no" then it was "ok".....they realized what was at stake.  But taht did the trick.  The last two weeks for fun for us.  We had a calendar that I put up and he'd put stickers on teh calander for each day he was totally dry.  He had to have a total of two weeks of dryness to get it.

And he did it :) :)

Two things:

 

First: You can stop mentioning potty training for awhile.  Just let him do what he wants.  Allow him the control to pee/poop where he wants.  My peditrician said it helps with the control--they feel like they have no control over things, so they control what they can.  I did this with my younger son at 2.5.  I also allowed him more control over things (clothes, food to eat, etc) so that he felt like he had more choices.

 

Second: What happens if you leave him naked?  Will he pee/poop?  My younger son knew better than to pee while naked and would never do it.  But if he had a diaper/pull-up/underware on, he'd go in that.  So when he was ready to train, we spent nights and weekends running around naked.

It sounds like you two are in the middle of a "battle of the wills." Going to the bathroom is something that we as parents have zero control over. The child has ALL the control - and your son knows it. It sounds crazy....why wouldn't he just use the bathroom??? He gets stickers and toys and candy......but it's because he wants the control.

My best advice to you is it just step back and take a breath. Try to gather yourself and find a calm place. The angrier and more upset you become, only beocmes his fuel. Even the bribes and pleadings can fuel him. If I were you, I would take a complete NEUTRAL stance on the situation. You have to act like you do not care one way or the other. (I know this sounds crazy but for some kids, this is how it works).

When he pees or poops on himself, make him clean it up by himself. Of course you are there to supervise. But don't do anything that makes it easier. Allow him to struggle w/ the pulling down of the pants and such. You can even have him do this the bathtub (it contains the mess). But the key is, you have to keep your cool. Pretend he just spilled some milk and you are having him clean it up. You aren't mad. You aren't angry. You don't care. Its just matter of fact and this is the consequence to messing your pants.

You may have to have him wash himself in the bathtub. IMO the longer the process, the better. The idea is to let this natural consequence be the spark that makes him decide that peeing and pooping in the toilet is much easier and quicker than going through the entire clean up routine.

But I have to warn you, you must be neutral. Because if he sees that he is "winning" this battle of the wills you have (all he needs to win is to make you crazy) then he will keep it up. It will become YOUR punishment to make him clean up, not his.

And when he does go in the toilet, I would give him a high five or a thumbs up. You can be proud but I'd get rid of all the fancy rewards. Those aren't his "love language" b/c otherwise they would have worked the first time. Just keep it simple.

This blog has helped me understand an important component of potty "training" -- and that is the need for control that a child may have. My grandson is 3 & 1/2 (Asperger Autism)  and some days I give up; I now know that consistency is also cruical to success as a tool.  It seems to me that he (my grandson) doesn't make the connection between having to go potty and pottying in his pants,  He will take off his pull-up afterwards sometimes at other times he won't and he doesn't tell me that he has gone potty when I ask him... very frustraiting. 

JennasMom2, I wish you luck in your efforts. One thing that does help is an activity train. It is a paper with a train outline and pictures of what step to be taken (3 or 4) is in each car. This works great with eating, cleaning up, bedtime, brushing teeth, etc. I have just started using it for potty training. Pulling the underware down before sitting on the potty was a challenge, now Nate is reminded of what he is suppose to do; if I could just get him to pee or poop once it would be great.

Thanks ladies for your advice, I hadn't thought of the control issue.  I have decided to just let it be for now. I think he knows that he's winning the battle and it's only causing me and my dh to be stressed. My husband wasn't thrilled with the idea of just letting it be, but I think we need a different approach. Obviously, it's not happening now and we just need to be patient.  I think the control issue was made clear today. I was in bed this morning and he was laying in bed with me and trying to get me up, then he tells me he has to go potty, I realized after I jumped out of bed that he did it to get me out of bed, little stinker! So, he IS using the potty to his advantage. I think you ladies are right and this is a control thing. Obviously he used it to get the attention he wanted this morning! He did go pee, but he didn't use the potty any other time today. So now, I feel better about this new approach. I'm going to be completely relaxed with the issue and see how he reacts. I think once he knows he's not going to get a rise out of us when he has accidents and ONLY when he uses the potty, he may just start using it all the time! Wish me luck! I will keep you all updated! :)