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I probably shouldn't be so upset...

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Ds is turning 3 December 15th and we are throwing a big party for 2 reasons: 1-this is the first time ever his birthday is not during finals week (dh and I are both full time students) and 2-we will be moving a few hours away in May for my new job so this will be the last time we will be close to family for his birthday

We are throwing the party at my parents' house because they have a big house and our townhome is way too small to host anything and mil's house is even smaller (plus has 3 cats which I am allergic to). I told sil1 this a couple weeks ago and she told sil2, who got extremely offended that we weren't throwing it at mil's house and accused me of wanting it to be with my family only. 

Now, earlier today sil1 texted me and asked when the party was (I found it odd that she forgot seen as how she was in the center of the drama just 2 weeks ago). I told her and she said "oh, well that's the same day as a cookie bake I got invited to in St Louis (3.5 hours away)" and I said well it's up to you. She said she'd have to talk to her dh but she thinks she should go to the cookie bake. 

Then I created the event, inviting all of their family from St. Louis (who came down for my nephew's baptism and birthday but have never been down to see ds) to go to the party. The first response? Sorry wish I could come but that's the same day as the cookie bake (which I am, coincidentally, not invited to even though everyone else in the family is). I really want to just tell everyone I am sorry my son was born on such an inconvenient day and too bad I can't move his birthday.

I know I shouldn't be as hurt as I am but I can't help it. I have never done anything to make the family not like me but I feel like somehow I always offend them and they all hate me. I know I shouldn't be so upset but I can't seem to wrap my head around why this fucking cookie bake is so important yet they move heaven and earth to see my nephew, taking weeks off work and even driving down just to go trick or treating with him on Halloween. I need to stop now before I start crying again.

Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 11:32 PM
Replies (11-20):
ragitty
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 12:33 AM

Yeah I can understand that. My mil is great and I don't really get eanything like that from her, but the extended family makes me feel so unwelcome. Dh and I were 18 when I had ds and, even though we both went to school, I am graduating this year in 4 years with an engineering degree, and we didn't rush into marriage I feel like they will never accept me because of how I entered the family. Sil was always careless (stole from her siblings, lied a lot, and got herself into debt up to her ears so mil who couldn't afford it had to bail her out) and she got pregnant after dating for a little over a month and they got engaged right away and got married with a 2 week engagement and only told people they were pregnant less than a week before the wedding because she showed so early it was obvious. I feel like because her dh was 6 years older than her and already had a job they didn't care as much. Also, they always asked about ds until after my nephew was born and then they stopped caring.

God my replies are all so long because I am still so angry I can't stop venting. haha sorry about that

Quoting calvinsmommy18:

Idk. We don't really have the same situation since my kids are the only grandkids on both sides. However I already feel like I'm not the "favorite" daughter in law anymore since BIL got married. Even though I'm the one that provided grandkids for MIL and SIL and BIL don't really want kids.

Quoting ragitty:

I have already learned to adopt that policy as well but it still hurts. Not because of me because I have a big enough family that I don't need them, but because of ds. I feel like he always gets the short end of the stick. It boggles my mind that a cookie bake is so important that it can't be moved up or back a week, especially with a month still between now and them


Quoting calvinsmommy18:

I say F em. You have your party on the day you planned and whoever comes comes. At least you know your family will be there for your son. My policy is I don't rearrange my schedule for anyone if possible.



ragitty
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 12:35 AM

I know I genuinely try not to. I think it has gotten a lot harder since I lost my second baby last February and my sil is due with her second this February. I know it's not fair to her but my jealousy and grief gets the best of me a lot, especially when it comes to their family

Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Dont give someone the power to control your emotions.


Quoting ragitty:

That's what upsets me the most. I understand the St Louis family not wanting to make the drive. I've always understood it, but just never understood why that drive becomes so much more managable when my nephew is involved. I didn't even send an official invite to all my Wichita family (we are from kansas city) but I have 30 first cousins on both sides of the family so no one gets offended easily because we have so many relatives it's impossible to make it to everything (I will make sure they know they are more than welcome to attend, though). Dh's family gets so offended over every little thing that I had to invite them. Them not coming doesn't matter but their excuse being a cookie bake is what gets me (that and sil leaving town to bake cookies instead of going to her "favorite nephew's" birthday--she calls him that even though she has 2 other nephews and 1 other niece and it bothers me to no end)


Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Theyre missing his party for a cookie bake?? Are these "special" cookies or something? O.o Sorry they are acting like that. Like another mom said.. Fk them.





Quoting ragitty:

I have already learned to adopt that policy as well but it still hurts. Not because of me because I have a big enough family that I don't need them, but because of ds. I feel like he always gets the short end of the stick. It boggles my mind that a cookie bake is so important that it can't be moved up or back a week, especially with a month still between now and them



Quoting calvinsmommy18:

I say F em. You have your party on the day you planned and whoever comes comes. At least you know your family will be there for your son. My policy is I don't rearrange my schedule for anyone if possible.







signingmama2915
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 12:38 AM
My DH does the.same thing with me too. It's frustrating and kinda hurts on top of it all.

I'm sure it'll be a great party. I try to tell myself that as long as my son has a good time.that's all that matters.

Im sorry and I hope you feel better.


Quoting ragitty:

I am glad what I am feeling is not unreasonable and others feel the same way. It is hard to talk to dh about it because he genuinely does not care which makes me feel like I am over reacting or that I care too much


Quoting signingmama2915:

I would be upset just like you. We've had people not show up and seen to make an effort for our nephew but not our son too. It hurts even if you try to tell yourself to forget them.



I'm sorry.


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calvinsmommy18
by Bronze Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 12:49 AM
I somewhat get the jealousy of SIL having another baby. I was determined the get pregnant before SIL. And was glad it was a girl since I thought maybe MIL would favor their baby if they had a girl. But now I have one of each. It wasn't like a competition though we were ttc anyways for our 2nd child. Also dhs cousin announced her pregnancy while I was going through a miscarriage scare and I was so angry. His cousin didn't even have her first child because her rights got terminated by the courts but yet she was pregnant and I was thinking I had lost my baby. Luckily it was only a scare but a very emotional time.

Quoting ragitty:

I know I genuinely try not to. I think it has gotten a lot harder since I lost my second baby last February and my sil is due with her second this February. I know it's not fair to her but my jealousy and grief gets the best of me a lot, especially when it comes to their family


Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Dont give someone the power to control your emotions.





Quoting ragitty:

That's what upsets me the most. I understand the St Louis family not wanting to make the drive. I've always understood it, but just never understood why that drive becomes so much more managable when my nephew is involved. I didn't even send an official invite to all my Wichita family (we are from kansas city) but I have 30 first cousins on both sides of the family so no one gets offended easily because we have so many relatives it's impossible to make it to everything (I will make sure they know they are more than welcome to attend, though). Dh's family gets so offended over every little thing that I had to invite them. Them not coming doesn't matter but their excuse being a cookie bake is what gets me (that and sil leaving town to bake cookies instead of going to her "favorite nephew's" birthday--she calls him that even though she has 2 other nephews and 1 other niece and it bothers me to no end)



Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Theyre missing his party for a cookie bake?? Are these "special" cookies or something? O.o Sorry they are acting like that. Like another mom said.. Fk them.








Quoting ragitty:

I have already learned to adopt that policy as well but it still hurts. Not because of me because I have a big enough family that I don't need them, but because of ds. I feel like he always gets the short end of the stick. It boggles my mind that a cookie bake is so important that it can't be moved up or back a week, especially with a month still between now and them




Quoting calvinsmommy18:

I say F em. You have your party on the day you planned and whoever comes comes. At least you know your family will be there for your son. My policy is I don't rearrange my schedule for anyone if possible.









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mommyof11050307
by Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:02 AM
Do we have the same Inlaws??? My mil wouldn't even show up for my daughters birthday and she lived in the same city. He'll we lived across the street from her and she came to my house 3 times in 6 months. Her and my sil told me I needed to change the date because my mil works sat mornings. Umm sorry my mom and grandma flew in for this party and its the only day they will both be here. They weren't happy. I told everyone in sept that I'm not traveling for thanksgiving since I'm gonna be going into my 9th month of pregnancy. My SIL called the other day askin if we could drive the two and half hours to her house for thanksgiving. I knowing full well I was gonna just get off bed rest and I wasn't allowed to travel.
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ZakkarysMom
by Bronze Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:09 AM
Im sorry for your loss. Ive had a miscarriage and also lost a child to the state.


Quoting ragitty:

I know I genuinely try not to. I think it has gotten a lot harder since I lost my second baby last February and my sil is due with her second this February. I know it's not fair to her but my jealousy and grief gets the best of me a lot, especially when it comes to their family


Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Dont give someone the power to control your emotions.





Quoting ragitty:

That's what upsets me the most. I understand the St Louis family not wanting to make the drive. I've always understood it, but just never understood why that drive becomes so much more managable when my nephew is involved. I didn't even send an official invite to all my Wichita family (we are from kansas city) but I have 30 first cousins on both sides of the family so no one gets offended easily because we have so many relatives it's impossible to make it to everything (I will make sure they know they are more than welcome to attend, though). Dh's family gets so offended over every little thing that I had to invite them. Them not coming doesn't matter but their excuse being a cookie bake is what gets me (that and sil leaving town to bake cookies instead of going to her "favorite nephew's" birthday--she calls him that even though she has 2 other nephews and 1 other niece and it bothers me to no end)



Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Theyre missing his party for a cookie bake?? Are these "special" cookies or something? O.o Sorry they are acting like that. Like another mom said.. Fk them.








Quoting ragitty:

I have already learned to adopt that policy as well but it still hurts. Not because of me because I have a big enough family that I don't need them, but because of ds. I feel like he always gets the short end of the stick. It boggles my mind that a cookie bake is so important that it can't be moved up or back a week, especially with a month still between now and them




Quoting calvinsmommy18:

I say F em. You have your party on the day you planned and whoever comes comes. At least you know your family will be there for your son. My policy is I don't rearrange my schedule for anyone if possible.










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mskeeinmd
by Tikeetha on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:01 AM

Don't sweat it.  The folks who want to be there will be there.  What could be more important than your nephew's birthday party?  That's crazy.  Take lots of photos and put them on Christmas cards to say we had a blast and thankful for all the friends and family that came out to support our DS.  I'm crazy like that and I would rub it in their faces.  Move away and then they will really feel crazy.  

Don't change the baby's party.  I was born after Christmas, so parties were a rarity.  Just enjoy the baby.

DragonX
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:07 AM

I totally get how you feel. My daughter's first birthday fell on a Sunday, so naturally I planned a party for that day. It turned out that my grandparents, my aunt and her girlfriend and my cousins all had planned to go on vacation for a week and left the day before. I was so hurt! My family always gets together for things like this, and for my child only they decided that her birthday wasn't important enough to be there :/

I decided not to let it bother me on her day though. Anyone who wanted to be there and cared enough to take the time to be there for her would be there. But it's really hard to not be bitter over it.

.Angelica.
by Angie on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:16 AM
wow, i think you have every right to be upset. Id say that If they want to be immature and childish go have fun with your family and let it be their loss.
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Ali5683
by Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 12:23 PM

I totally get where you're coming from. I'd be upset too. Hang in there. Screw them and have a fantastic party!! :)

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