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Toddlers & Preschoolers Toddlers & Preschoolers

I probably shouldn't be so upset...

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Ds is turning 3 December 15th and we are throwing a big party for 2 reasons: 1-this is the first time ever his birthday is not during finals week (dh and I are both full time students) and 2-we will be moving a few hours away in May for my new job so this will be the last time we will be close to family for his birthday

We are throwing the party at my parents' house because they have a big house and our townhome is way too small to host anything and mil's house is even smaller (plus has 3 cats which I am allergic to). I told sil1 this a couple weeks ago and she told sil2, who got extremely offended that we weren't throwing it at mil's house and accused me of wanting it to be with my family only. 

Now, earlier today sil1 texted me and asked when the party was (I found it odd that she forgot seen as how she was in the center of the drama just 2 weeks ago). I told her and she said "oh, well that's the same day as a cookie bake I got invited to in St Louis (3.5 hours away)" and I said well it's up to you. She said she'd have to talk to her dh but she thinks she should go to the cookie bake. 

Then I created the event, inviting all of their family from St. Louis (who came down for my nephew's baptism and birthday but have never been down to see ds) to go to the party. The first response? Sorry wish I could come but that's the same day as the cookie bake (which I am, coincidentally, not invited to even though everyone else in the family is). I really want to just tell everyone I am sorry my son was born on such an inconvenient day and too bad I can't move his birthday.

I know I shouldn't be as hurt as I am but I can't help it. I have never done anything to make the family not like me but I feel like somehow I always offend them and they all hate me. I know I shouldn't be so upset but I can't seem to wrap my head around why this fucking cookie bake is so important yet they move heaven and earth to see my nephew, taking weeks off work and even driving down just to go trick or treating with him on Halloween. I need to stop now before I start crying again.

Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 11:32 PM
Replies (21-30):
conejoazul
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:37 PM

I understand your first reaction is disappointment, but to me it seems useful that you know well in advance who is not planning to come to the party. You still have time to make certain that the guest list is "complete" in some other way that you feel can be meaningful to your child, to adjust any planned activities for the actual number of guests that have confirmed, and if you were expecting any party-prep help or gift money, etc. to adjust your plans accordingly.  

I would also say (just my opinion) that the most important people in your son´s life are the people who choose to be in his life, so it is much more useful to him if you set the example to focus on the people who choose to share your life events, not on those who choose to be somewhere else.  My three year old´s birthday party will be super important to me also, but at the end of the day, it is a child´s party, and the world doesn´t have to cave-in over someone feeling more inclined to attend a different event.

corrinacs
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:40 PM

I am so sorry to hear that. Let them be the center of thier own drama.  Just invite them as you would, and if they decide not to come because they are too busy with a "bake sale" then let them be :/.  Something happened and if you aren't aware of it, then you probably did nothign wrong.  If they can't man up and tell you what happened, then so be it :/.  

That's about all YOU can do :).  Good luck!

Wendsdy
by Silver Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 3:51 PM

I would feel the same way if I were you.  Its their issue, not yours and its their loss.  My kids are #19 and #20 of grandchildren on my Husband's side.  The last ones.  My Husband's family hasn't even really acknowledged them. Yes, they are out of state but I never hear anything from them. They don't acknowledge a birthday. My kids Grandma rarely acknowledges them at all and she is the only Grandparent they have left. My Dad passed away less than a month ago and he was super close to my kids.  Its just sad that my Husband has this huge family and my kids just aren't important to them.  My Husband doesn't seem to care but i do.  Our families are just different. If my Mom would have been alive, she would never miss a thing.  My Dad saw them every single week until the day he died. Just have a great party with your son and your family. Don't let them spoil it.  Its not worth it.

ragitty
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 5:59 PM

Yeah even though it's not a competition it certainly feels like it sometimes :) I know I have plenty of years ahead of me and I shouldn't feel so upset about it all the time. I am glad it was just a scare for you and not the real thing!

Quoting calvinsmommy18:

I somewhat get the jealousy of SIL having another baby. I was determined the get pregnant before SIL. And was glad it was a girl since I thought maybe MIL would favor their baby if they had a girl. But now I have one of each. It wasn't like a competition though we were ttc anyways for our 2nd child. Also dhs cousin announced her pregnancy while I was going through a miscarriage scare and I was so angry. His cousin didn't even have her first child because her rights got terminated by the courts but yet she was pregnant and I was thinking I had lost my baby. Luckily it was only a scare but a very emotional time.

Quoting ragitty:

I know I genuinely try not to. I think it has gotten a lot harder since I lost my second baby last February and my sil is due with her second this February. I know it's not fair to her but my jealousy and grief gets the best of me a lot, especially when it comes to their family


Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Dont give someone the power to control your emotions.





Quoting ragitty:

That's what upsets me the most. I understand the St Louis family not wanting to make the drive. I've always understood it, but just never understood why that drive becomes so much more managable when my nephew is involved. I didn't even send an official invite to all my Wichita family (we are from kansas city) but I have 30 first cousins on both sides of the family so no one gets offended easily because we have so many relatives it's impossible to make it to everything (I will make sure they know they are more than welcome to attend, though). Dh's family gets so offended over every little thing that I had to invite them. Them not coming doesn't matter but their excuse being a cookie bake is what gets me (that and sil leaving town to bake cookies instead of going to her "favorite nephew's" birthday--she calls him that even though she has 2 other nephews and 1 other niece and it bothers me to no end)



Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Theyre missing his party for a cookie bake?? Are these "special" cookies or something? O.o Sorry they are acting like that. Like another mom said.. Fk them.








Quoting ragitty:

I have already learned to adopt that policy as well but it still hurts. Not because of me because I have a big enough family that I don't need them, but because of ds. I feel like he always gets the short end of the stick. It boggles my mind that a cookie bake is so important that it can't be moved up or back a week, especially with a month still between now and them




Quoting calvinsmommy18:

I say F em. You have your party on the day you planned and whoever comes comes. At least you know your family will be there for your son. My policy is I don't rearrange my schedule for anyone if possible.










ragitty
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:01 PM

My mil is great and very supportive. It's the extended family and the self-centered sils that drive me nuts. Hell who knows at this rate mil will probably choose the cookie bake, too, though

Quoting mommyof11050307:

Do we have the same Inlaws??? My mil wouldn't even show up for my daughters birthday and she lived in the same city. He'll we lived across the street from her and she came to my house 3 times in 6 months. Her and my sil told me I needed to change the date because my mil works sat mornings. Umm sorry my mom and grandma flew in for this party and its the only day they will both be here. They weren't happy. I told everyone in sept that I'm not traveling for thanksgiving since I'm gonna be going into my 9th month of pregnancy. My SIL called the other day askin if we could drive the two and half hours to her house for thanksgiving. I knowing full well I was gonna just get off bed rest and I wasn't allowed to travel.


ragitty
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:02 PM

I am so sorry for your losses. It's the worst feeling in the world

Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Im sorry for your loss. Ive had a miscarriage and also lost a child to the state.


Quoting ragitty:

I know I genuinely try not to. I think it has gotten a lot harder since I lost my second baby last February and my sil is due with her second this February. I know it's not fair to her but my jealousy and grief gets the best of me a lot, especially when it comes to their family


Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Dont give someone the power to control your emotions.





Quoting ragitty:

That's what upsets me the most. I understand the St Louis family not wanting to make the drive. I've always understood it, but just never understood why that drive becomes so much more managable when my nephew is involved. I didn't even send an official invite to all my Wichita family (we are from kansas city) but I have 30 first cousins on both sides of the family so no one gets offended easily because we have so many relatives it's impossible to make it to everything (I will make sure they know they are more than welcome to attend, though). Dh's family gets so offended over every little thing that I had to invite them. Them not coming doesn't matter but their excuse being a cookie bake is what gets me (that and sil leaving town to bake cookies instead of going to her "favorite nephew's" birthday--she calls him that even though she has 2 other nephews and 1 other niece and it bothers me to no end)



Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Theyre missing his party for a cookie bake?? Are these "special" cookies or something? O.o Sorry they are acting like that. Like another mom said.. Fk them.








Quoting ragitty:

I have already learned to adopt that policy as well but it still hurts. Not because of me because I have a big enough family that I don't need them, but because of ds. I feel like he always gets the short end of the stick. It boggles my mind that a cookie bake is so important that it can't be moved up or back a week, especially with a month still between now and them




Quoting calvinsmommy18:

I say F em. You have your party on the day you planned and whoever comes comes. At least you know your family will be there for your son. My policy is I don't rearrange my schedule for anyone if possible.











ragitty
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:06 PM

Haha yeah I don't think that would go over too well... In the end it is their loss. We will be moving 2.5 hours away next year so this is the first and last party we are doing like this and they are choosing to miss it. I just hope enough kids are able to make it so ds can really have a good time (I am so grateful my friend will be able to make it with her ds)

Quoting mskeeinmd:

Don't sweat it.  The folks who want to be there will be there.  What could be more important than your nephew's birthday party?  That's crazy.  Take lots of photos and put them on Christmas cards to say we had a blast and thankful for all the friends and family that came out to support our DS.  I'm crazy like that and I would rub it in their faces.  Move away and then they will really feel crazy.  

Don't change the baby's party.  I was born after Christmas, so parties were a rarity.  Just enjoy the baby.


calvinsmommy18
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:07 PM
The worst part of it was two weeks of not knowing. Not knowing if I was still pregnant. I was prepared to grieve but I didn't even knnow how to feel. But my baby girl is here now so now I just have to worry about raising her for the rest of my life.

Quoting ragitty:

Yeah even though it's not a competition it certainly feels like it sometimes :) I know I have plenty of years ahead of me and I shouldn't feel so upset about it all the time. I am glad it was just a scare for you and not the real thing!


Quoting calvinsmommy18:

I somewhat get the jealousy of SIL having another baby. I was determined the get pregnant before SIL. And was glad it was a girl since I thought maybe MIL would favor their baby if they had a girl. But now I have one of each. It wasn't like a competition though we were ttc anyways for our 2nd child. Also dhs cousin announced her pregnancy while I was going through a miscarriage scare and I was so angry. His cousin didn't even have her first child because her rights got terminated by the courts but yet she was pregnant and I was thinking I had lost my baby. Luckily it was only a scare but a very emotional time.



Quoting ragitty:

I know I genuinely try not to. I think it has gotten a lot harder since I lost my second baby last February and my sil is due with her second this February. I know it's not fair to her but my jealousy and grief gets the best of me a lot, especially when it comes to their family



Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Dont give someone the power to control your emotions.








Quoting ragitty:

That's what upsets me the most. I understand the St Louis family not wanting to make the drive. I've always understood it, but just never understood why that drive becomes so much more managable when my nephew is involved. I didn't even send an official invite to all my Wichita family (we are from kansas city) but I have 30 first cousins on both sides of the family so no one gets offended easily because we have so many relatives it's impossible to make it to everything (I will make sure they know they are more than welcome to attend, though). Dh's family gets so offended over every little thing that I had to invite them. Them not coming doesn't matter but their excuse being a cookie bake is what gets me (that and sil leaving town to bake cookies instead of going to her "favorite nephew's" birthday--she calls him that even though she has 2 other nephews and 1 other niece and it bothers me to no end)




Quoting ZakkarysMom:

Theyre missing his party for a cookie bake?? Are these "special" cookies or something? O.o Sorry they are acting like that. Like another mom said.. Fk them.











Quoting ragitty:

I have already learned to adopt that policy as well but it still hurts. Not because of me because I have a big enough family that I don't need them, but because of ds. I feel like he always gets the short end of the stick. It boggles my mind that a cookie bake is so important that it can't be moved up or back a week, especially with a month still between now and them





Quoting calvinsmommy18:

I say F em. You have your party on the day you planned and whoever comes comes. At least you know your family will be there for your son. My policy is I don't rearrange my schedule for anyone if possible.












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ragitty
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:09 PM

Yeah I don't think I will ever be able to get over the hurt I feel for them not coming to the baptism. The worst part is THEY got mad at US for not telling them there would be a party after (there was a last-minute reception because when my aunt drove up 3 hours for the baptism she insisted upon making a cake for afterwords) but they all came for my nephew's even though there wasn't even a full reception for that one, either. They never have nor will they ever apologize and even though I can try to put it behiind me, the hurt is still there

Quoting DragonX:

I totally get how you feel. My daughter's first birthday fell on a Sunday, so naturally I planned a party for that day. It turned out that my grandparents, my aunt and her girlfriend and my cousins all had planned to go on vacation for a week and left the day before. I was so hurt! My family always gets together for things like this, and for my child only they decided that her birthday wasn't important enough to be there :/

I decided not to let it bother me on her day though. Anyone who wanted to be there and cared enough to take the time to be there for her would be there. But it's really hard to not be bitter over it.


ragitty
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:12 PM

I get what you are saying. It just really sucks because this will be our only opportunity to do a party like this for ds with family as we will be moving away in May. In the end it is their loss, but for now I am just venting away the hurt...

Quoting conejoazul:

I understand your first reaction is disappointment, but to me it seems useful that you know well in advance who is not planning to come to the party. You still have time to make certain that the guest list is "complete" in some other way that you feel can be meaningful to your child, to adjust any planned activities for the actual number of guests that have confirmed, and if you were expecting any party-prep help or gift money, etc. to adjust your plans accordingly.  

I would also say (just my opinion) that the most important people in your son´s life are the people who choose to be in his life, so it is much more useful to him if you set the example to focus on the people who choose to share your life events, not on those who choose to be somewhere else.  My three year old´s birthday party will be super important to me also, but at the end of the day, it is a child´s party, and the world doesn´t have to cave-in over someone feeling more inclined to attend a different event.


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