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Making the decision not to have more children. Advice?

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 3:53 PM
  • 14 Replies

I know everyone's situation is different and what is right for one family may not be for another. I always thought I wanted 2 children and that's what DH and I agreed on. Well I have 2 children and I now have this overwhelming desire to have another. DH is happy with our family the way it is and would prefer it stay that way although he has said he's not 100 percent against a 3rd. He recently agreed to a 3rd so I started planning. The more I started planning ther more he started seeming like he wasn't for it and I realized he agreed to make me happy. I strongly believe that if one person is not for it then it shouldn't happen. I don't want to do that to him. So I guess my question for you all is how do I cope with being done having children? I don't want to resent him or for it to cause any problems between us, I really want to come to terms with it and be ok. I'm just not sure how. Thank you for your time.

by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 3:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
cabrandy03
by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 4:00 PM

I'm kinda in the same boat right now.  When we got married dh and I agreed on wanting just one, but now I really want another one in a few years.  Dh says he's done though.  I feel like it's his life too so I really don't want  to force him into anything he's not up for.  I'm happy with our little family and it feels very complete, but sometimes I just can't help but mourn for the other child I'll never have.  Dh wanted to get a vasectomy but I talked him into waiting a few years and told him when dd is 5, if he still is positive he dosn't want anymore then we'll talk about the vasectomy  then.  I'm hoping that he may change his mind in a few years, but if not thats okay too.  No more kids really allows me to focus on dd, and in a way I think that would be really great.  lol I know i'm just kinda rambling....can you tell i'm really torn on this subject???

iansmommy9
by Silver Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 4:03 PM

Idk...I'm in the opposite situation. We have 1 and I'm fine with it, but I know DH wants another. I feel like I'm the one making him sacrifice. 

bloomsr
by Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 4:10 PM
Think about your life in 20 years- will you resent dh and regret not having a third? I wanted a third and dh didn't at first. We talked about it for awhile and he agreed. After our third was born I had a very rough adjustment phase and felt that I destroyed our "perfect family" by adding a third child (I had ppd, baby had colic... Bad combo).

Our youngest will be one in a few weeks and I couldn't imagine how boring and incomplete out home would be without him:) (our other kids are 5 and almost 3)
tennisgal
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 4:11 PM

I *wish* I had an answer. A year ago DH and I agreed to start the process of adoption. We had discussed and discussed and he had agreed so we met with a caseworker. I went to sign up for the classes and he started making excuses until he said, "I don't want to." I was devastated. I was so angry with him for agreeing and I didn't know how to get over it. Now, for us, I got pregnant again (a surprise) and we were told 4 children was the limit for households wanting to adopt with this agency, so it took care of itself in a way.

sorry i don't have anymore advice. do you have a third party who could mediate the discussion for you. i think this would have really helped us. 

Luvmy2babies22
by Platinum Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 5:21 PM

I worry that I'll never be done :)  We have always said we wanted 3 and we have 2 right now.  So far when it was time for #1 and #2 I had a crazy overwhelming desire to be pg and I just knew it was the right time.  Currently we are planning on ttc #3 over the summer but I haven't been hit with that feeling yet.  I know, for sure, that I'm not done yet though.  I didn't go into #2 preparing to be done and just don't feel ready to shut that door yet. 

We have friends who just knew they were DONE after they had their last kid.  I pray that it's that cut and dry for me but I fear it won't be.  I'm 33 and my hubby is 38.  I tell him to be prepared for me to want another kid at 40 when the last one is out of the house in school full time and I get the first stages of empty nest.  I don't know though, I'll just have to see how I feel after #3.

I've seen this discussion on Dr. Phil and he talks about his 2nd child.  He had a vasectomy after their 1st but then Robin was dying to have another baby.  They discussed and ranked their desires.  Her desire to HAVE another baby was a 10+ while his desire to NOT have another baby was more like a 5 so she trumped him.  He has discussed using this technique when you come to a crossroads in your marriage about lots of things. 

I think that having kids is a really important decision.  I don't think that anyone should be forced to have a child that they don't want and I equally think that you shouldn't be denied a child.  You are just as likely to end up resentful as he is.  I think you guys just really need to continue the conversation.  Maybe things will be different in another year or 2 or 3...

How old are you?  How old is hubby?

piwife
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 5:29 PM
We only wanted 2 kids. But I was k with 3. Hubby was very against having a 3rd but I wasn't on any bc and we were using nfp. It worked great for almost 2 yrs till I made one single miscalculation... she is now 8 mts lol
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Mrs.Bolin
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 6:13 PM

Its mother natures fault for us women to want more kids. Its normal that you want another. It was a very long journey for me to be able to have my youngest. My husband didnt want kids at all. Well....i got pregnant with my daughter. Love her and he loves her to peices. i knew i wanted another but he didnt. I wouldnt get on birth control because i didnt want to. Well he knew he was doin wrong when we messed around and i got pregnant again. I lost that baby at 7 weeks. Of course i wanted another. He was cool with that. Shortly after we started trying again, he all of a sudden decided he didnt want anymore. damn it!! he got over it a few days later because i was hurt so much over it. But i would have stopped because i love him so much more than to let a baby that wasnt concieved yet ruin us.I didnt want to be selfish. 4 yrs later after having my first daughter i now have a 4 mon old daughter. And i am happily 100% done. No more. Cant do it to my body again.The reallity of stress and i want a good peacefull marriage. I cant let a 4th pregnancy ruin that. I had my tubal and im good to go. Think of the reallity. Another baby might bring problems and its not worth it. 

CLEKate
by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 6:42 PM

Unless you are 40 or over, you still have time.  You don't need to make a decision today.  Or tomorrow.  Or this year.

Sit back and relax.  Enjoy the 2 children you have now.  And together, re-evaluate your feelings about it every few months.

After the birth of my 2nd in 2 years, we decided that we were done.  Periodically I have a slight urge to add another.  When I discuss with my hubby, he reminds me of the reasons why we decided to stop.  When I take the time to think about it---really think, no emotions--it's enough to squash the urge for another child.  (FYI: I had horrible post partum depression with both of mine.  2nd time it lasted a full year.  That's the main reason why we don't want more--neither of us wants to go through it again.)

Juststarting2
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 7:19 PM
I'll be 28 in march and hubby is 28. our son is 3 and a half and it took us 2 and a half years to conceive him with the help of fertility treatments. my daughter will be 2 in march and she was a pleasant surprise. I never went back on birth control figuring we'd have difficulty again and as soon as i was done breastfeeding my son i got pregnant with my daughter. i was 5 months before i found out though so it was a bit of a shock. hubby's biggest point against having another is that both kids are starting to be more independent and he likes that. he doesn't really want to start over with all the baby stuff like sleepless nights, diapers, breast feeding. the new born stage is not his thing. so waiting a few years is not likely to change his mind. wow sorry i went off on a rant lol


Quoting Luvmy2babies22:

I worry that I'll never be done :)  We have always said we wanted 3 and we have 2 right now.  So far when it was time for #1 and #2 I had a crazy overwhelming desire to be pg and I just knew it was the right time.  Currently we are planning on ttc #3 over the summer but I haven't been hit with that feeling yet.  I know, for sure, that I'm not done yet though.  I didn't go into #2 preparing to be done and just don't feel ready to shut that door yet. 


We have friends who just knew they were DONE after they had their last kid.  I pray that it's that cut and dry for me but I fear it won't be.  I'm 33 and my hubby is 38.  I tell him to be prepared for me to want another kid at 40 when the last one is out of the house in school full time and I get the first stages of empty nest.  I don't know though, I'll just have to see how I feel after #3.


I've seen this discussion on Dr. Phil and he talks about his 2nd child.  He had a vasectomy after their 1st but then Robin was dying to have another baby.  They discussed and ranked their desires.  Her desire to HAVE another baby was a 10+ while his desire to NOT have another baby was more like a 5 so she trumped him.  He has discussed using this technique when you come to a crossroads in your marriage about lots of things. 


I think that having kids is a really important decision.  I don't think that anyone should be forced to have a child that they don't want and I equally think that you shouldn't be denied a child.  You are just as likely to end up resentful as he is.  I think you guys just really need to continue the conversation.  Maybe things will be different in another year or 2 or 3...


How old are you?  How old is hubby?


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Luvmy2babies22
by Platinum Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 7:24 PM

But even though, seriously, just sit on it for a while.  I totally know what he's talking about.  Even though we know we are having another one it's going to be weird.  My youngest is now fully potty trained (except for nights) and in school so I'm just getting those few mornings to myself and then we are going to go back 2 steps!!!  When I say it, it seems crazy :)  However, I'll also pretty much just have 1 again because by the time the baby is born my son will be in school full day (he's 1/2 day K right now) and my DD will be close to starting K.

Take precautions so he doesn't feel like you did it on purpose if you had an "oops" and then, if in a year or 2 years or whatever your desire to HAVE a baby is still insanely strong (like you'll hate him one day when your window is completely closed by nature) then see how strong his desire is to NOT have one.  Yeah, the infant stage can be tough but it flies by...

Good luck!!!!

Quoting Juststarting2:

I'll be 28 in march and hubby is 28. our son is 3 and a half and it took us 2 and a half years to conceive him with the help of fertility treatments. my daughter will be 2 in march and she was a pleasant surprise. I never went back on birth control figuring we'd have difficulty again and as soon as i was done breastfeeding my son i got pregnant with my daughter. i was 5 months before i found out though so it was a bit of a shock. hubby's biggest point against having another is that both kids are starting to be more independent and he likes that. he doesn't really want to start over with all the baby stuff like sleepless nights, diapers, breast feeding. the new born stage is not his thing. so waiting a few years is not likely to change his mind. wow sorry i went off on a rant lol


Quoting Luvmy2babies22:

I worry that I'll never be done :)  We have always said we wanted 3 and we have 2 right now.  So far when it was time for #1 and #2 I had a crazy overwhelming desire to be pg and I just knew it was the right time.  Currently we are planning on ttc #3 over the summer but I haven't been hit with that feeling yet.  I know, for sure, that I'm not done yet though.  I didn't go into #2 preparing to be done and just don't feel ready to shut that door yet. 


We have friends who just knew they were DONE after they had their last kid.  I pray that it's that cut and dry for me but I fear it won't be.  I'm 33 and my hubby is 38.  I tell him to be prepared for me to want another kid at 40 when the last one is out of the house in school full time and I get the first stages of empty nest.  I don't know though, I'll just have to see how I feel after #3.


I've seen this discussion on Dr. Phil and he talks about his 2nd child.  He had a vasectomy after their 1st but then Robin was dying to have another baby.  They discussed and ranked their desires.  Her desire to HAVE another baby was a 10+ while his desire to NOT have another baby was more like a 5 so she trumped him.  He has discussed using this technique when you come to a crossroads in your marriage about lots of things. 


I think that having kids is a really important decision.  I don't think that anyone should be forced to have a child that they don't want and I equally think that you shouldn't be denied a child.  You are just as likely to end up resentful as he is.  I think you guys just really need to continue the conversation.  Maybe things will be different in another year or 2 or 3...


How old are you?  How old is hubby?



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