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Toddlers & Preschoolers Toddlers & Preschoolers

Brainstorm with me....

Posted by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 9:44 PM
  • 16 Replies

Okay, little background: ODD has been at the same preschool since she was about two and a half and they moved her from daycare area to pre k area.  She is four now.  About a year ago she started saying a little boy, X, was hitting her, kicking, pushing, etc.  I spoke with her teacher and she explained X (at the time) was still adjusting to the new classroom, as he had just turned three and moved up to ODD's age group.  They were working with him and his parents as much as parents would cooperate to help him adjust and stop being so physical.  ODD would periodically come home saying X had done something to her, we would ask if she told a teacher (my instructions after the first few incidents, walk away and find a teacher), yes she had and he had gotten in trouble for it.  They only have room and teachers enough for one class per age group, so she moved up and he followed.  The teacher keeps them on opposite sides of the room, monitors them, intervenes/disciplines when needed, and says sometimes he is nice to ODD.  Problem is, ODD is now telling us she does not want to go to prek, because X hits, kicks, pushes, calls her names (I was present for one of those- he called her a f**ker twice, and luckily for him one of the directors took him out of the room before I decided whether I was going to just scare him or wash his mouth out or who knows what).  ODD's teacher told her one day to hit him back- not what I want her doing because a) he is much stockier than her and if he has grown up in the sort of house I think he has he won't stop, he will just hit harder next time and b) I do not want her solving problems by hitting or retaliating until the other party leaves her alone.  I don't want to remove her because I also have a two year old there and finding openings for two children in the same place, ages two and four, is next to impossible, and on top of that ODD has a dairy allergy and this daycare/preschool has been excellent with the allergy checking, as well as everything else.  The only problem right now is this little boy, and I will not pull both my children from this daycare/preschool just because one little boy can't keep his hands to himself and the daycare is not getting any support from his parents.  

Long, I know.  Any thoughts?

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by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 9:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
bekalynne440
by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 9:51 PM

I am tempted to say tell them that either they can lose one child whose parents won't work with them or 2 whose parent has.  If they lose 2, that's more of a financial loss for them.

However, they may not be willing to kick this other child out and you don't want to make empty threats.  Also, depending on the area, they may be able to fill those spots quickly and so not care as much.

That's a tough one.

preacherskid
by Bronze Member on Jan. 11, 2013 at 10:01 PM


Quoting bekalynne440:

I am tempted to say tell them that either they can lose one child whose parents won't work with them or 2 whose parent has.  If they lose 2, that's more of a financial loss for them.

However, they may not be willing to kick this other child out and you don't want to make empty threats.  Also, depending on the area, they may be able to fill those spots quickly and so not care as much.

That's a tough one.

I will be talking with the director sometime next week, we need to set a time..  They don't want us to leave, I don't want to leave- the girls love the teachers and going there, it is usually a fight to get them to leave lol.  I also don't want this other kid to lose what could be a positive influence on his behavior, where he may not normally have any positive influences.

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bekalynne440
by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 10:12 PM

I understand wanting the boy to have positive influences.  I think there comes a point though that a daycare needs to draw the line and say "We can't care for your child anymore."  Hopefully it could come as a wake up call to the parents.  The child may also be old enough to realize through this that his actions can have big consequences, at least on some level.

Quoting preacherskid:


Quoting bekalynne440:

I am tempted to say tell them that either they can lose one child whose parents won't work with them or 2 whose parent has.  If they lose 2, that's more of a financial loss for them.

However, they may not be willing to kick this other child out and you don't want to make empty threats.  Also, depending on the area, they may be able to fill those spots quickly and so not care as much.

That's a tough one.

I will be talking with the director sometime next week, we need to set a time..  They don't want us to leave, I don't want to leave- the girls love the teachers and going there, it is usually a fight to get them to leave lol.  I also don't want this other kid to lose what could be a positive influence on his behavior, where he may not normally have any positive influences.


preacherskid
by Bronze Member on Jan. 11, 2013 at 10:28 PM

Yeah.  And they do state in their handbook that they have the right to terminate care for any child who becomes too disruptive or becomes a "threat" to the other kids.  He is about three, three and a half, so he has the start of understanding consequences, but I don't think he will understand if the daycare feels it necessary to boot him- his parents would, and I would hope they could find other appropriate care.  Daycares around here are really hit and miss on quality, even the licensed daycares. 

Quoting bekalynne440:

I understand wanting the boy to have positive influences.  I think there comes a point though that a daycare needs to draw the line and say "We can't care for your child anymore."  Hopefully it could come as a wake up call to the parents.  The child may also be old enough to realize through this that his actions can have big consequences, at least on some level.

Quoting preacherskid:


Quoting bekalynne440:

I am tempted to say tell them that either they can lose one child whose parents won't work with them or 2 whose parent has.  If they lose 2, that's more of a financial loss for them.

However, they may not be willing to kick this other child out and you don't want to make empty threats.  Also, depending on the area, they may be able to fill those spots quickly and so not care as much.

That's a tough one.

I will be talking with the director sometime next week, we need to set a time..  They don't want us to leave, I don't want to leave- the girls love the teachers and going there, it is usually a fight to get them to leave lol.  I also don't want this other kid to lose what could be a positive influence on his behavior, where he may not normally have any positive influences.



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bekalynne440
by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 10:46 PM
If he's only 3 then he probably won't understand, though his parents should.


Quoting preacherskid:

Yeah.  And they do state in their handbook that they have the right to terminate care for any child who becomes too disruptive or becomes a "threat" to the other kids.  He is about three, three and a half, so he has the start of understanding consequences, but I don't think he will understand if the daycare feels it necessary to boot him- his parents would, and I would hope they could find other appropriate care.  Daycares around here are really hit and miss on quality, even the licensed daycares. 

Quoting bekalynne440:

I understand wanting the boy to have positive influences.  I think there comes a point though that a daycare needs to draw the line and say "We can't care for your child anymore."  Hopefully it could come as a wake up call to the parents.  The child may also be old enough to realize through this that his actions can have big consequences, at least on some level.


Quoting preacherskid:


Quoting bekalynne440:

I am tempted to say tell them that either they can lose one child whose parents won't work with them or 2 whose parent has.  If they lose 2, that's more of a financial loss for them.

However, they may not be willing to kick this other child out and you don't want to make empty threats.  Also, depending on the area, they may be able to fill those spots quickly and so not care as much.

That's a tough one.

I will be talking with the director sometime next week, we need to set a time..  They don't want us to leave, I don't want to leave- the girls love the teachers and going there, it is usually a fight to get them to leave lol.  I also don't want this other kid to lose what could be a positive influence on his behavior, where he may not normally have any positive influences.




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SarahSuzyQ
by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 11:09 PM
Sounds like you're doing the right thing by speaking with the director. No matter how much your family likes the school, it is no longer a safe place for your DD. If they are unwilling to remove the kid, then perhaps he needs a one-on-one aide of some kind.

I appreciate your compassion for wanting this boy to be exposed to a positive environment. But I think this is one of those times when you have to protect your kid, so she sees that you will really listen to and support her when there's a problem. Normally I'm all for kids learning conflict resolution, but that's not what's happening. She's being put in an emotionally and sometimes physically unsafe place every day.

I would bring in a list of date and instances. I would specify what your daughter has said. And I would start calling around to other preschools. At least explore your options and let them know you're doing so. Good luck, momma!
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KJH78
by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 11:16 PM
How does your child respond now? I am encouraging my 2.5 yr old to loudly say leave me alone and go tell the teacher. I would also request the boy be required to shadow the teacher or assistant he will get tired of that.


Quoting preacherskid:

Okay, little background: ODD has been at the same preschool since she was about two and a half and they moved her from daycare area to pre k area.  She is four now.  About a year ago she started saying a little boy, X, was hitting her, kicking, pushing, etc.  I spoke with her teacher and she explained X (at the time) was still adjusting to the new classroom, as he had just turned three and moved up to ODD's age group.  They were working with him and his parents as much as parents would cooperate to help him adjust and stop being so physical.  ODD would periodically come home saying X had done something to her, we would ask if she told a teacher (my instructions after the first few incidents, walk away and find a teacher), yes she had and he had gotten in trouble for it.  They only have room and teachers enough for one class per age group, so she moved up and he followed.  The teacher keeps them on opposite sides of the room, monitors them, intervenes/disciplines when needed, and says sometimes he is nice to ODD.  Problem is, ODD is now telling us she does not want to go to prek, because X hits, kicks, pushes, calls her names (I was present for one of those- he called her a f**ker twice, and luckily for him one of the directors took him out of the room before I decided whether I was going to just scare him or wash his mouth out or who knows what).  ODD's teacher told her one day to hit him back- not what I want her doing because a) he is much stockier than her and if he has grown up in the sort of house I think he has he won't stop, he will just hit harder next time and b) I do not want her solving problems by hitting or retaliating until the other party leaves her alone.  I don't want to remove her because I also have a two year old there and finding openings for two children in the same place, ages two and four, is next to impossible, and on top of that ODD has a dairy allergy and this daycare/preschool has been excellent with the allergy checking, as well as everything else.  The only problem right now is this little boy, and I will not pull both my children from this daycare/preschool just because one little boy can't keep his hands to himself and the daycare is not getting any support from his parents.  

Long, I know.  Any thoughts?


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preacherskid
by Bronze Member on Jan. 12, 2013 at 12:07 AM


Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

Sounds like you're doing the right thing by speaking with the director. No matter how much your family likes the school, it is no longer a safe place for your DD. If they are unwilling to remove the kid, then perhaps he needs a one-on-one aide of some kind.

I appreciate your compassion for wanting this boy to be exposed to a positive environment. But I think this is one of those times when you have to protect your kid, so she sees that you will really listen to and support her when there's a problem. Normally I'm all for kids learning conflict resolution, but that's not what's happening. She's being put in an emotionally and sometimes physically unsafe place every day.

I would bring in a list of date and instances. I would specify what your daughter has said. And I would start calling around to other preschools. At least explore your options and let them know you're doing so. Good luck, momma!

The teacher is aware of nearly every instance, so that is not a problem- she will be there so the three of us can talk this over.  The only other preschools that are licensed, state approved, and would be able to adapt to both girls food allergies/sensitivities have wait lists at least six months out :/. I have had bad experiences with home run daycare, so want to stick with a center.

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preacherskid
by Bronze Member on Jan. 12, 2013 at 12:15 AM

She goes and tells the teacher right away.  There are seven kids in the class, and the teacher does have the boy stick with her most of the time, or at least away from ODD, but she can't be everywhere.  ODD does pretty well in her response, does what I want her to do, but she is only four, and he isn't changing.  I can usually tell when he has been getting to her by her home behavior- she lets all the frustration out at home :/. Today was a good day at least.

Quoting KJH78:

How does your child respond now? I am encouraging my 2.5 yr old to loudly say leave me alone and go tell the teacher. I would also request the boy be required to shadow the teacher or assistant he will get tired of that.


Quoting preacherskid:

Okay, little background: ODD has been at the same preschool since she was about two and a half and they moved her from daycare area to pre k area.  She is four now.  About a year ago she started saying a little boy, X, was hitting her, kicking, pushing, etc.  I spoke with her teacher and she explained X (at the time) was still adjusting to the new classroom, as he had just turned three and moved up to ODD's age group.  They were working with him and his parents as much as parents would cooperate to help him adjust and stop being so physical.  ODD would periodically come home saying X had done something to her, we would ask if she told a teacher (my instructions after the first few incidents, walk away and find a teacher), yes she had and he had gotten in trouble for it.  They only have room and teachers enough for one class per age group, so she moved up and he followed.  The teacher keeps them on opposite sides of the room, monitors them, intervenes/disciplines when needed, and says sometimes he is nice to ODD.  Problem is, ODD is now telling us she does not want to go to prek, because X hits, kicks, pushes, calls her names (I was present for one of those- he called her a f**ker twice, and luckily for him one of the directors took him out of the room before I decided whether I was going to just scare him or wash his mouth out or who knows what).  ODD's teacher told her one day to hit him back- not what I want her doing because a) he is much stockier than her and if he has grown up in the sort of house I think he has he won't stop, he will just hit harder next time and b) I do not want her solving problems by hitting or retaliating until the other party leaves her alone.  I don't want to remove her because I also have a two year old there and finding openings for two children in the same place, ages two and four, is next to impossible, and on top of that ODD has a dairy allergy and this daycare/preschool has been excellent with the allergy checking, as well as everything else.  The only problem right now is this little boy, and I will not pull both my children from this daycare/preschool just because one little boy can't keep his hands to himself and the daycare is not getting any support from his parents.  

Long, I know.  Any thoughts?



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SarahSuzyQ
by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 7:37 AM
I'd get her name on the wait list unless she's starting K in the fall. If the school is unable or unwilling to take effective action, then you have other options open to you. When your child is being bullied like this, and they trust you enough to let you know what's happening, they really need to see that you're doing everything you can to keep them safe.

I really hope your meeting with the director leads to a solution that will work for your daughter. I'd just start preparing in case nothing changes.


Quoting preacherskid:


Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

Sounds like you're doing the right thing by speaking with the director. No matter how much your family likes the school, it is no longer a safe place for your DD. If they are unwilling to remove the kid, then perhaps he needs a one-on-one aide of some kind.



I appreciate your compassion for wanting this boy to be exposed to a positive environment. But I think this is one of those times when you have to protect your kid, so she sees that you will really listen to and support her when there's a problem. Normally I'm all for kids learning conflict resolution, but that's not what's happening. She's being put in an emotionally and sometimes physically unsafe place every day.



I would bring in a list of date and instances. I would specify what your daughter has said. And I would start calling around to other preschools. At least explore your options and let them know you're doing so. Good luck, momma!

The teacher is aware of nearly every instance, so that is not a problem- she will be there so the three of us can talk this over.  The only other preschools that are licensed, state approved, and would be able to adapt to both girls food allergies/sensitivities have wait lists at least six months out :/. I have had bad experiences with home run daycare, so want to stick with a center.


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