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So i didnt really know where else/who else to vent to about this as i am new to cafe mom and so far have enjoyed this group more then any others.


I have just spent my entire night consoling a friend whos husband (currently a deployed navymen) just called her to tell her not only does he want a divorse after 5 years and two kids later, but that he has been having an affair and is expecting a child with his new chick.


Have any of you had to recover from an affair?

What kind of advice should i give her?

im so torn about the matter because i myself have had to deal with my husband cheating on me, but we were able to work through it. I feel like by not encouraging her to try and fix her marriage i am being a hypocrite but i feel that this situation is severe enough that it may be beyond repair so i dont want to push for her to try and fix it and give her a false sense of hope...

by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 3:01 AM
Replies (11-16):
villagemamma
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 8:22 PM

Thanks ladies. I shared your advice with her. hopefully i can get her to do something to make sure that shes taken care of when all is said and done

Its difficuly because she wasnt expecting it so shes still pretty shell shocked about the whole thing i am concerned it may hinder her moving forward with the things that she has to do to assure that shes taken care of. Her kids are only 2 and 3. SInce their dad is active military they are used to not seeing him so i dont think it will be a very big transition for them.

BramblePatch
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 11:34 PM
Suck it up and move on. ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER....and if you are convincing yourself otherwise, you are delusional. Don't use your marriage as an example of it working because you know in your heart you will never fully trust him. Don't send her down that path to la la land. Yeah, it sucks bigtime but there is no going back. She has to be strong and fight for herself and her kids. Use whatever resources she can. Hating him, blaming herself, whatever are all wasted emotions. Oh, and tell her to get tested for an STD ASAP.

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signingmama2915
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 11:44 PM
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villagemamma
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 12:12 AM


Well i am not delusional but i do acknowledge that my friends situation is VASTLY different then my own. Right now i am trying to help her channel the rage into productive things because at this point she doesnt have any other options. and ya definitely encouraging her to get tested. hes in the navy and spends a good deal of time overseas so god knows what kinds of things hes brought home.

Quoting BramblePatch:

Suck it up and move on. ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER....and if you are convincing yourself otherwise, you are delusional. Don't use your marriage as an example of it working because you know in your heart you will never fully trust him. Don't send her down that path to la la land. Yeah, it sucks bigtime but there is no going back. She has to be strong and fight for herself and her kids. Use whatever resources she can. Hating him, blaming herself, whatever are all wasted emotions. Oh, and tell her to get tested for an STD ASAP.



Necie72
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:47 AM
1 mom liked this

Once there's another child involved outside of the marriage, it's pretty much a "done deal".  I have never been the type to try to hold on to a man.  If he wants to leave, he knows where the door is...  I caught my boyfriend before he actually cheated...  As far as I know...  He was "jumpy" so I asked him why...  He had his phone in his hand and said he was just looking at spam emails with half naked women...  I knew there was more to it...  I took his phone off of him and saw an email where he described himself and sent pics...  I told him to give me his keys to the house...  He tried to give ME an attitude...  I made him sleep on the couch and the next morning gave him the coldest of attitudes...  He left and called, asking what I wanted him to do, that he wanted to be with me, etc.  I told him if he wasn't happy with me then he knew where the door was because I don't have the time to deal with b.s.  Things have been fine ever since...  I think once a woman makes it known that she doesn't NEED the man in her life it's easier for her and he'll eventually feel like the @$$ that he is...  Tell you friend to let him go...  He made his bed, so to speak, so he can lay in it...  As for the other woman, she's an idiot too because men eventually leave them too...  He's what I call a "hopper"...  Never satisfied...  Your friend and her kids are better off without him...  She'll hit him where it hurts...  His pocket...

sol4J
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 6:21 PM
Hi there! It is so obvious that you care for your friend very much. I think that your main job is listening and empathizes. Counseling is best for working these difficulties – additionally she might consider starting a support group. She will be amazed at the insight and new coping skill she can learn. It is a sad situation but please know that I prayed for her.
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