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Posted by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 7:54 PM
  • 5 Replies

My question is simple. What do you do when a close family member constantly dissapoints you? However you are always there for them.

by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 7:54 PM
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Luvmy2babies22
by Platinum Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 8:09 PM
2 moms liked this

I guess my answer is:  as an adult you choose the people in your life and their role in it.  It doesn't matter if it's a mother, cousin, friend or acquaintance.  If someone is destructive to your happiness and family unit then you compartmentalize them into a role where the damage is reduced.  If that's not possible, you may have to cut ties.

A couple other things I've learned are:  1) when you get disappointed by people it's because your expectations have been violated.  If your expectations are realistic around what someone can give back then you won't be disappointed.  Their reaction to situations will be what you expected and it will be what it will be.  It sounds like you still expect this person to give you something they aren't capable of giving...

2) sometimes you just take the high road because it's the right thing to do.  is it frustrating when you don't get that back?  yep, but genuine kindness isn't about expecting it back.  it's unconditional.  you do it because you are a good person and it's what you want to model for your kids.  of course, you always hope that kindness and thoughtfulness will be reciprocated but, again, you have to realistically know what to expect from people.

again, if the relationship is truly toxic then you have to make some decisions about your exposure to them BUT if it's just an annoyance then i go back to urging you to really adjust your expectations to what you know of this person. 

corrinacs
by Platinum Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 8:37 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the group :).

In that case, you stop helping them out.  Depends on what you mean by them disappointing you.  Have you brought it up to this family member?  Maybe they aren't even aware of it.  

Good luck :)

amonkeymom
by Bronze Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 3:43 PM

Welcome, I agree with this.

Quoting Luvmy2babies22:

I guess my answer is:  as an adult you choose the people in your life and their role in it.  It doesn't matter if it's a mother, cousin, friend or acquaintance.  If someone is destructive to your happiness and family unit then you compartmentalize them into a role where the damage is reduced.  If that's not possible, you may have to cut ties.

A couple other things I've learned are:  1) when you get disappointed by people it's because your expectations have been violated.  If your expectations are realistic around what someone can give back then you won't be disappointed.  Their reaction to situations will be what you expected and it will be what it will be.  It sounds like you still expect this person to give you something they aren't capable of giving...

2) sometimes you just take the high road because it's the right thing to do.  is it frustrating when you don't get that back?  yep, but genuine kindness isn't about expecting it back.  it's unconditional.  you do it because you are a good person and it's what you want to model for your kids.  of course, you always hope that kindness and thoughtfulness will be reciprocated but, again, you have to realistically know what to expect from people.

again, if the relationship is truly toxic then you have to make some decisions about your exposure to them BUT if it's just an annoyance then i go back to urging you to really adjust your expectations to what you know of this person. 


PEEK05
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 4:04 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the group. :)

I just try to shrug the negative feelings off. I haven't dealt with that too much though so I don't really know what to say.  Here's a bump.

Munchkin9
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:35 PM

Hi..Thanks for the advice...My family member is very much aware of my dissapointment with her regarding picking up my child from school. I have noticed whenever she knows she has done something wrong I dont hear from her.

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