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I can't take anymore! obviously I'm doing something wrong.

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I have 3 girls, age 10, 3, and 2. My 3 year old, Cecily, won't listen. Nothing works! Time out, yelling, getting on her level, taking away toys and privileges, etc. She just shuts down if you ask her to do (or stop doing) something. If she wants something and I say no she won't acknowledge my answer and keep asking, yelling and grabbing at me, then when I don't give in it escalates to a screaming tantrum where she still won't listen and often dh or I have to physically restrain her to keep her from hurting herself or little sister.


she and little sister (Elli) are both very advanced verbally and can use their words to tell us what they want or need, and understand everything that we say, so its not a frustration or not understanding thing. She just completely shuts down her hearing or something. She doesn't look at me or even act as though she heard me ask her to do something.


what do I do? I tried everything I've heard that is supposed to work. I can't take much more, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I am so tired of fighting with her and the screaming tantrums. :(

*eta: what would you do if she was fairly calm but kept saying "mom? Mom? Momma? Mom?" I ask what or yes? Or acknowledge every question but she just keeps repeating mom.
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by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:24 PM
Replies (11-20):
AtiFreeFalls
by Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 5:43 PM
1 mom liked this

A lot of times awknowledging the child's feelings can stop behavior like that.  I've gotten almost entirely away from all punishments AND yelling and my kids are better behaved than ever.  It's amazing.  When my kids are acting out I get down on their level and give them the names of their feelings.  "You feel disappointed because you thought I would let you (do/have something they want).  I understand.  You can't (do/have) that because (reason).  It's okay to feel upset, but instead of yelling at me, why don't you draw me a picture of how you feel?"

Works like a charm.

legobaby
by Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 5:44 PM
My son is 3.5 and the EXACT same way! He will melt down and have tantrums over the silliest stuff. I feel like I should have put him in preschool this year. I have a 17 month old and am pregnant (with bad morning sickness since before Christmas), so he has probably not been getting as much attention at home and fun activities as he used to. I feel like he is acting out more when he's bored. Time out helps very minimally but does help after being in there for so long. Taking away toys usually works for him.

I just feel like he has such a negative attitude for a three year old. He wants to challenge me about stuff like how many books we are reading at bedtime and what he is having for breakfast. It is like a constant battle, and it's hard to teach him a positive outlook when I'm always sick an irritated because he's being rotten. I had to make him leave play group today because he snatched a ball from a smaller girl and melted down when I took it. Then, when a boy his age tried to give him a ball twice to make him feel better, he yelled at the kid and swatted the ball away. I was so mad because he usually doesn't act that way in public. It's very frustrating.

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Seximama23
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 6:33 PM
Does your 3 year old have her own favorite toys???
My sis in law has 3 girls ages 5, 3, and almost 1 when one of the two older mis behave she takes a special toy or special trip with daddy away. She doesnt take all toys away only lets say if my oldest niece gets punished her favorite barbie doll and v tech reader away that way little sister doesnt get punished as well


Quoting 3cutiebugs:

I wonder how I could do this without punishing little sister, though. They share all toys and a room.



Quoting Seximama23:

My 4.5 year old acts like this. He will throw himself on the floor and scream and yell if I "dont listen" to him. He is in this stage that manners dont exsist outside of school and that he thinks it should.be okay he tells me to "GET ME MY JUICE NOW!" I wont stand for it, I get frustrated yes...but I walk away turn on music.





We take tv, game pads, and toys away. He has to earn them.back on good behaviour for an ENTIRE day. If he has one tantrum we go.back to square 1, it has really helped today was the first day in a week where he had a melt down.






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3cutiebugs
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 6:37 PM
Only her curious George doll. Everything else she could care less about. She's more of the run and jump and tumble type.

Quoting Seximama23:

Does your 3 year old have her own favorite toys???

My sis in law has 3 girls ages 5, 3, and almost 1 when one of the two older mis behave she takes a special toy or special trip with daddy away. She doesnt take all toys away only lets say if my oldest niece gets punished her favorite barbie doll and v tech reader away that way little sister doesnt get punished as well




Quoting 3cutiebugs:

I wonder how I could do this without punishing little sister, though. They share all toys and a room.





Quoting Seximama23:

My 4.5 year old acts like this. He will throw himself on the floor and scream and yell if I "dont listen" to him. He is in this stage that manners dont exsist outside of school and that he thinks it should.be okay he tells me to "GET ME MY JUICE NOW!" I wont stand for it, I get frustrated yes...but I walk away turn on music.







We take tv, game pads, and toys away. He has to earn them.back on good behaviour for an ENTIRE day. If he has one tantrum we go.back to square 1, it has really helped today was the first day in a week where he had a melt down.








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3cutiebugs
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 6:45 PM
I wish I could do time out like that. She won't stay. I get really frustrated when she is pulling on me and screaming while I'm ignoring her and trying to play with and reward sisters for being good. That's when I end up yelling, sometimes even just to be heard. Its making it so hard to have a normal relationship with my other kids, I literally spend 75% of my day dealing with her. I do give her choices in pretty much everything... Her clothes, shoes, she helps pick lunch and dinner, bath or shower.. Maybe I give her too much choice?

Quoting Luvmy2babies22:

Stop yelling.  You are the adult so no need to yell.  What you say goes, period.  She's too young to really take things away as well.  If you ask her to do something and she doesn't comply, put her in timeout.  If she still doesn't comply after her 3 mins, back to time out.  Again and again until she gets the message that it's just easier to listen the first time.  Same thing if she doesn't listen when you ask her to stop something.  If she asks for something and you say "no" or "later" ignore any other requests.  You've already given her an answer so don't engage and play her game.  If she needs to scream, let her scream.  She's not tantruming because she can't communicate, she's tantruming because she's not in control.  Such is life.  When she calms down, validate her feelings "Honey, I understand you were frustrated because Mommy wouldn't let you have that cookie.  I told you you could have it after dinner and yelling at me isn't acceptable."  or "I know you wanted to go to the park but it's raining so we'll go again when it's dry and warmer."  Whatever the case may be.


Give her as many choices about things as you can to try to give her some feeling of control and to head off her fits.  My DD is similar.  She's just a very emotional and verbal kid like that.  I don't play games though and refuse to be emotionally terrorized by someone more than 1/2 my size.  You get your answer and then we are done.  Scream if you want but you aren't going to get an audience out of me.  It's taking time but now that she's 3 1/2 she's calming down a lot.  It's just taken a lot of patience and consistency. 

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othermom
by Silver Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 6:49 PM

 


Quoting 3cutiebugs:

Oh and I forgot to put this in: she will have a tantrum if a certain person doesn't do something, like I turn on Diego and she throws a fit because she wants to turn it on, or she wants her monkey and daddy gets it because he is closer and she will throw it on the floor and make me come in from a different room to hand it to her. Yesterday she screamed for an hour while trying to drag me by my pants because I was cleaning up but she wanted me to stand (not sit) in her room.


 What do you do to punish her when she acts like that? My youngest has been very tough we have had to stick with time outs sometimes for as long as 45 monutes, putting her back till she calmed down.

Luvmy2babies22
by Platinum Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 6:50 PM
1 mom liked this

Who is in charge?  She doesn't stay because you don't force her to stay.  I'm not saying you HAVE to do timeout, not everyone does but saying "she won't stay" means you are allowing her to run the show and have control over her punishment.  She shouldn't be pulling on you because you shouldn't be anywhere in arms reach of her.  She needs to be in a quiet spot out of the way on her own. 

If you want her to take a timeout then you keep putting her back without saying 1 word to her until she stays.  If it takes 3 hours to have her sit for 3 full mins than that's what has to happen.  It's certainly inconvenient but I promise you it's worth the few days of inconvenience to get her to understand who is running the house.  Just food for thought... 

 

Quoting 3cutiebugs:

I wish I could do time out like that. She won't stay. I get really frustrated when she is pulling on me and screaming while I'm ignoring her and trying to play with and reward sisters for being good. That's when I end up yelling, sometimes even just to be heard. Its making it so hard to have a normal relationship with my other kids, I literally spend 75% of my day dealing with her. I do give her choices in pretty much everything... Her clothes, shoes, she helps pick lunch and dinner, bath or shower.. Maybe I give her too much choice?

Quoting Luvmy2babies22:

Stop yelling.  You are the adult so no need to yell.  What you say goes, period.  She's too young to really take things away as well.  If you ask her to do something and she doesn't comply, put her in timeout.  If she still doesn't comply after her 3 mins, back to time out.  Again and again until she gets the message that it's just easier to listen the first time.  Same thing if she doesn't listen when you ask her to stop something.  If she asks for something and you say "no" or "later" ignore any other requests.  You've already given her an answer so don't engage and play her game.  If she needs to scream, let her scream.  She's not tantruming because she can't communicate, she's tantruming because she's not in control.  Such is life.  When she calms down, validate her feelings "Honey, I understand you were frustrated because Mommy wouldn't let you have that cookie.  I told you you could have it after dinner and yelling at me isn't acceptable."  or "I know you wanted to go to the park but it's raining so we'll go again when it's dry and warmer."  Whatever the case may be.


Give her as many choices about things as you can to try to give her some feeling of control and to head off her fits.  My DD is similar.  She's just a very emotional and verbal kid like that.  I don't play games though and refuse to be emotionally terrorized by someone more than 1/2 my size.  You get your answer and then we are done.  Scream if you want but you aren't going to get an audience out of me.  It's taking time but now that she's 3 1/2 she's calming down a lot.  It's just taken a lot of patience and consistency. 

 

 

123MomAmy
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 7:14 PM
2 moms liked this
I hear Super Nanny, (haha) saying.... Try not to react to the behavior. As long as you acknowledge her, she'll continue. Try calming picking her up and placing her in a different room, and walking away. If she continuously does not get a reaction from you, she may stop!
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3cutiebugs
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:33 PM
We don't give in. We repeat to her why we are not doing things her way right then, and once dh got pissed when I put a show on and she flipped out because she wanted to do it herself, so he turned off the tv and Wii and told her go ahead and do it yourself, which she can't, not even my 10 year old can reach the power buttons. She screamed until bedtime. Time outs don't work because she won't stay and I can't keep her there while caring for my other girls. Dh works all day 5-6 days a week. There's been times when he is home when I've fought to keep her in time out for a full, calm 3 minutes for over 4 hours.

Quoting othermom:

 




Quoting 3cutiebugs:

Oh and I forgot to put this in: she will have a tantrum if a certain person doesn't do something, like I turn on Diego and she throws a fit because she wants to turn it on, or she wants her monkey and daddy gets it because he is closer and she will throw it on the floor and make me come in from a different room to hand it to her. Yesterday she screamed for an hour while trying to drag me by my pants because I was cleaning up but she wanted me to stand (not sit) in her room.



 What do you do to punish her when she acts like that? My youngest has been very tough we have had to stick with time outs sometimes for as long as 45 monutes, putting her back till she calmed down.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
3cutiebugs
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:37 PM
There's been times that I've spent more than 4 hours to get her to do a calm 3 minutes time out. If dh isn't home I can't spend that kind of time working with her. I have to care for the other kids.

Quoting Luvmy2babies22:

Who is in charge?  She doesn't stay because you don't force her to stay.  I'm not saying you HAVE to do timeout, not everyone does but saying "she won't stay" means you are allowing her to run the show and have control over her punishment.  She shouldn't be pulling on you because you shouldn't be anywhere in arms reach of her.  She needs to be in a quiet spot out of the way on her own. 


If you want her to take a timeout then you keep putting her back without saying 1 word to her until she stays.  If it takes 3 hours to have her sit for 3 full mins than that's what has to happen.  It's certainly inconvenient but I promise you it's worth the few days of inconvenience to get her to understand who is running the house.  Just food for thought... 


 


Quoting 3cutiebugs:

I wish I could do time out like that. She won't stay. I get really frustrated when she is pulling on me and screaming while I'm ignoring her and trying to play with and reward sisters for being good. That's when I end up yelling, sometimes even just to be heard. Its making it so hard to have a normal relationship with my other kids, I literally spend 75% of my day dealing with her. I do give her choices in pretty much everything... Her clothes, shoes, she helps pick lunch and dinner, bath or shower.. Maybe I give her too much choice?


Quoting Luvmy2babies22:


Stop yelling.  You are the adult so no need to yell.  What you say goes, period.  She's too young to really take things away as well.  If you ask her to do something and she doesn't comply, put her in timeout.  If she still doesn't comply after her 3 mins, back to time out.  Again and again until she gets the message that it's just easier to listen the first time.  Same thing if she doesn't listen when you ask her to stop something.  If she asks for something and you say "no" or "later" ignore any other requests.  You've already given her an answer so don't engage and play her game.  If she needs to scream, let her scream.  She's not tantruming because she can't communicate, she's tantruming because she's not in control.  Such is life.  When she calms down, validate her feelings "Honey, I understand you were frustrated because Mommy wouldn't let you have that cookie.  I told you you could have it after dinner and yelling at me isn't acceptable."  or "I know you wanted to go to the park but it's raining so we'll go again when it's dry and warmer."  Whatever the case may be.



Give her as many choices about things as you can to try to give her some feeling of control and to head off her fits.  My DD is similar.  She's just a very emotional and verbal kid like that.  I don't play games though and refuse to be emotionally terrorized by someone more than 1/2 my size.  You get your answer and then we are done.  Scream if you want but you aren't going to get an audience out of me.  It's taking time but now that she's 3 1/2 she's calming down a lot.  It's just taken a lot of patience and consistency. 


 


 

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