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Being Told to Spank My DD as part of Potty Training...What the???? (May be long...sorry!)

Posted by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:57 PM
  • 58 Replies

Somebody please help me!  I'm having potty training challenges which is nothing unusual for a 3 year old I suppose.  I'm trying my hardest to get her trained and although she's showed all of the signs of being ready to potty train, she's stubborn and just won't go.  So I've been asking other Moms about tips for potty training and a surprising number of folks have told me to spank her when she goes in her pants.  I don't know if it matters but I live in the south where "spare the rod spoil the child' is a mantra.  I have chosen not to spank and don't want to turn this into a spanking vs not spanking debate.  I would just like to try to understand why anyone would spank as part of potty training and is this really effective at all?  Even though my methods are ineffective and it may take longer I'm just not willing to spank my child and certainly not over potty issues.

 

Now with that being said is there anything that I can do to encourage her to go?  She has tons of toys and the whole "sticker chart ---> treat" thing just doesn't work.  Snack treats don't work either.  She is able to stay dry for long periods of time and is aware when she's wet or has a poopy pull-up.  That's when she asks to be changed (she says "Change Pull-up).  She is speech delayed and doesn't appear to have a word for potty.  She DOES know the word potty but doesn't seem to associate it with HER going to potty  - she thinks it's what the dogs do when they go outside.  We take her to potty when she first gets up in the morning, we take her after naps, we ask her if she wants to go often and sometimes even make her go sit on the potty.  She always at least squeezes out a few drops and sometimes even truly goes when she sits on the pot..   She seems to understand what the potty is there for but also has no problems going in her clothes.  She knows where the clean panties are and goes and gets herself a clean pair and brings them to me.  I've tried taking away the pull-ups but end up cleaning up literally 10-12 puddles and messes in less than 2 hours.  I work during the day so the potty training happens after I've picked her up from daycare.  The daycare teachers are working with her too but they're having the same luck.  She's super smart and they're trying to move her up to the 3 year old classroom but since she isn't potty trained she's still in the class with the 2 year olds. 

 

My DD is 3 years old (3 years and almost 4 months to be more exact).  I keep reading posts on CM from parents who have kids trained at 2.  It seems that my kid may not be trained for a long time yet.  Is there anything else I can do ( and please don't mention spanking) to encourage her?  I'm super frustrated but don't show it to her.  I'm not sure if my not showing frustration makes her think it's still OK to go in her pants.  Can anyone offer any other tips other than the usual ones?

 

If you got to the bottom of the post...thank you for reading.

by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
.Angelica.
by Angie on Feb. 28, 2013 at 3:04 PM
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I wouldnt spank over potty accidents. I think that will only make her resist more. I did the bare bottom method with my son. Just let him run around in just a shirt with the potty chair nearby and he did well. She may be old enough to make her clean up herself when she has an accident.
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Luvmy2babies22
by Platinum Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 3:08 PM
1 mom liked this

Don't ever punish for potty training, period.  It undermines their confidence and ability to relax in the process which, as you know, is instrumental in being able to pee or poop.

You cannot use pullups in this process.  yes, it's messy but you are giving her a crutch and she's relying on them.  she has learned that the bigger the mess, the faster she'll get that pull up back.  take away that safety net and break out the soap and scrubber.  she should probably still use one for sleeping but that's the only time.

do not compare your daughter to anyone else.  it's not fair to her. 

you are stuck in a battle of wills and she's winning.  you can't ever win a power struggle over the potty because she controls what comes out, when and where.  put her in underwear and walk away.  begin to have her help you clean the accidents and take some responsibility for her choice to use her underwear instead of the potty.

mariesmama
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 3:39 PM

teach her the sign for potty tuck your thumb between your fingers like the "ive got your nose"game for babies, then twist your wrist back and fourth my speech delayed 3 yr old will be 4 in august and she's only now getting it

Shaei
by Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:09 PM

 

Thank you for your honest answer.  I don't openly compare my DD to other childen but I'm guilty of doing it in my mind.  I've been trying to stop doing that and have had some success.  I've often thought that the Pull-ups were an issue and thought that I should ditch them but at the same time I've had people tell me that she wasn't ready and to put them back on her.  I guess when there was conflicting info I opted for what I thought was easiest.  Normally when I've made up my mind to change a behavior I stick with it til the behavior has changed but with potty training I've never really known if it was a power struggle or whether she just wasn't ready.  I'll keep pressing on and hoping for success.

Quoting Luvmy2babies22:

Don't ever punish for potty training, period.  It undermines their confidence and ability to relax in the process which, as you know, is instrumental in being able to pee or poop.

You cannot use pullups in this process.  yes, it's messy but you are giving her a crutch and she's relying on them.  she has learned that the bigger the mess, the faster she'll get that pull up back.  take away that safety net and break out the soap and scrubber.  she should probably still use one for sleeping but that's the only time.

do not compare your daughter to anyone else.  it's not fair to her. 

you are stuck in a battle of wills and she's winning.  you can't ever win a power struggle over the potty because she controls what comes out, when and where.  put her in underwear and walk away.  begin to have her help you clean the accidents and take some responsibility for her choice to use her underwear instead of the potty.


 

Shaei
by Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:11 PM

 Thank you!  I'll give this a shot.

have a nice day

Quoting mariesmama:

teach her the sign for potty tuck your thumb between your fingers like the "ive got your nose"game for babies, then twist your wrist back and fourth my speech delayed 3 yr old will be 4 in august and she's only now getting it


 

Luvmy2babies22
by Platinum Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:16 PM

 i would bet we are all guilty of at least 1 time (if not many many more) where we have made those comparisons.  It's normal.  I was just reminding you that potty training is a lot like learning to walk, talk, read, etc.   it's about HER readiness, not her age.  some kids do things really early, some kids late.  we all end up in the same place and no one asks you in a job interview how old you were when you learned to walk or use the bathroom!

there is absolutely the chance that she's still not 100% ready.  you will only know by giving her at least 1 full week in underwear and seeing where she is at the end of the week-10 days.  if she's not made progress in initiating taking herself to the bathroom then she still might not be ready.   to give her a fighting chance, you do have to give her that time.  if it is just a power struggle, you take away her power by ignoring her.  put it all in her hands and walk away.  if she's still not progressing, you know it's just development and not just her stubborness.

my DD is beyond stubborn and fiesty.  i thought she was going to be a nightmare to train but she was't.  she trained really easily and i was shocked.  it was just her time.

your daughter will get there, promise!


Quoting Shaei:

 

Thank you for your honest answer.  I don't openly compare my DD to other childen but I'm guilty of doing it in my mind.  I've been trying to stop doing that and have had some success.  I've often thought that the Pull-ups were an issue and thought that I should ditch them but at the same time I've had people tell me that she wasn't ready and to put them back on her.  I guess when there was conflicting info I opted for what I thought was easiest.  Normally when I've made up my mind to change a behavior I stick with it til the behavior has changed but with potty training I've never really known if it was a power struggle or whether she just wasn't ready.  I'll keep pressing on and hoping for success.

Quoting Luvmy2babies22:

Don't ever punish for potty training, period.  It undermines their confidence and ability to relax in the process which, as you know, is instrumental in being able to pee or poop.

You cannot use pullups in this process.  yes, it's messy but you are giving her a crutch and she's relying on them.  she has learned that the bigger the mess, the faster she'll get that pull up back.  take away that safety net and break out the soap and scrubber.  she should probably still use one for sleeping but that's the only time.

do not compare your daughter to anyone else.  it's not fair to her. 

you are stuck in a battle of wills and she's winning.  you can't ever win a power struggle over the potty because she controls what comes out, when and where.  put her in underwear and walk away.  begin to have her help you clean the accidents and take some responsibility for her choice to use her underwear instead of the potty.

 

 


 

mommyof11050307
by Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:18 PM
I used m&ms as rewards and no pull ups.
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berlgirl1224
by Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:20 PM
Yup

And put her in undies all the time, diapers let her fall back, use them only at night. Yes, she'll pee he'd pants, it'd to be expected. Put her on the potty every half hour or so. Then every hour. Then more spaced out. Ex; when she wakes up, at snack time, before nap, after nap, at snack time, before dinner, between dinner and bed, before bed (assuming she gets two snacks in the day)


Quoting mariesmama:

teach her the sign for potty tuck your thumb between your fingers like the "ive got your nose"game for babies, then twist your wrist back and fourth my speech delayed 3 yr old will be 4 in august and she's only now getting it


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laughnchica
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:24 PM

You have been given good advice. We did the bare bottom thing and made her sit on the potty every 20 min. Even when we went to the store. Even if she did NOT have to go. Her and I would sit together for about five minutes. Didn't do anything if she didn't pee or poop. BIG happy reaction for when she did. She took FOREVER to poop for the first time though. She was terrified to poop lol. Held it in ALL DAY once until finally we sat her down until she pooped and she's been doing good since. This was just before she turned 3 and is now 3 1/2.
Who cares if other kids learned early...everyone is different and unique. And PATIENCE. It is a long process. Get rid of the pull ups though. Can't stress that enough..

mrsniebo
by Bronze Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:30 PM

I'm glad to see you're not spanking her over potty training. I'd imagine that'd only make her more resistant. Learning to sign "go potty" really helped my DD when she wasn't talking much. We let her run around in underwear and, although it made for a really messy week or so, she learned really quickly she didn't want to have accidents. 

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