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"I don't like him, Mommy"

Nicholy10
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Yesterday at 9:30 PM
Posted by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 9:57 AM
  • 32 Replies

So my almost 4 year old son has been "bullying" my almost 1 year old son. The 4 year old will push, pinch, and various other strategies to hurt him. He will take all the toys the one year old is playing with and put them out of reach or try to use big toys to block the 1 year old in a corner. He will intentionally try to wake him up or scare him. 

It has gotten to be really frustrating so I sat him down the other day to talk to him about it. He said he's mean because he doesn't like the baby. When I asked why, he said he just don't. 

I guess it could be he wants more attention? But my 4 year old gets way more attention than my 1 year old already because he has a sensory processing disorder and just requires more attention. I feel guilty a lot of the time because I feel like the 1 year old doesn't get enough attention one-on-one time with me or Daddy. 

It could be he's jealous of his brother? But I'm not sure of what? The 1 year old has less of everything. 

Idk any tips on how to fix this? I want the boys to have a good relationship, and I really don't know where I went wrong, but I want to fix it. 

by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 9:57 AM
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Luvmy2babies22
by Platinum Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 12:35 PM
1 mom liked this
Totally normal. Your 4 year old doesn't understand that you are bending over backward to appease him. All he grasps at his age is "if mommy's not with me, it's cuz of him..." don't short change your 1 year old. My son used to bite my dd around those ages (they are just shy of 2years 8months) apart. He spent A LOT of time in timeout and I thought I was a total failure at incorporating a new member of the family. Well they are 6 1/2 and 4 (next Sunday) and they fight like siblings but mostly get a long great! Just ride it out and discipline your 4 year old when necessary.
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PEEK05
by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 4:57 PM
2 moms liked this

What are you doing to discipline him for this? I don't see any mention of it in your post.

SnowWhieQueen
by Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 5:04 PM

i had this with my older kids u just have to put ur foot down and be firm..or it could get worse..good luck..and it takes time like anything else

Nicholy10
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Yesterday at 9:30 PM
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 5:05 PM


Hurting his brother intentionally earns him a time-out or loss of priveledge. 

Taking toys from his brother or attempting to trap his brother in an area, he losses the priveledge to play with the baby. So if we all are playing in one room (me, dad, him, and baby) then he goes to another room by himself to play for a few minutes then one parent joins him. After showing he can play nice with parent, he can return to room to play with baby if he chooses. 

If he continues to repeatedly attempt to hurt or pick on baby he continues to lose privedges and some nights has gone to bed early. 

Spanking is rarely used, unless he does something major. But again it's a last resort.

If he plays nice with brother he earns privedges. 

Quoting PEEK05:

What are you doing to discipline him for this? I don't see any mention of it in your post.



PEEK05
by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 5:07 PM

Sounds like you are on the right track.  I would just stay consistent, encourage and use positive reinforcement, and stay firm when he is losing the privileges or goes to time out for being violent/mean! Poor little baby boy.  I haven't dealt with this so I don't know what else to say.  I hope it gets better soon!

Quoting Nicholy10:


Hurting his brother intentionally earns him a time-out or loss of priveledge. 

Taking toys from his brother or attempting to trap his brother in an area, he losses the priveledge to play with the baby. So if we all are playing in one room (me, dad, him, and baby) then he goes to another room by himself to play for a few minutes then one parent joins him. After showing he can play nice with parent, he can return to room to play with baby if he chooses. 

If he continues to repeatedly attempt to hurt or pick on baby he continues to lose privedges and some nights has gone to bed early. 

Spanking is rarely used, unless he does something major. But again it's a last resort.

If he plays nice with brother he earns privedges. 

Quoting PEEK05:

What are you doing to discipline him for this? I don't see any mention of it in your post.







Bieg9093
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 10:29 PM

 Worry less about why and much more about stopping it.  You should be stopping him BEFORE he lays hands on his brother.  If he takes even one toy, you should take it back for the brother.  Watch carefully and physically intervene when needed. 

If you allow him to hurt or mistreat the baby and then use the consequence after then you haven't denied him the satisfaction he gets from hurting/mistreating him.   Then, the punishments you give are just a tit for tat game.  That'll teach him nothing.

preacherskid
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 10:37 PM

Most likely it is sibling jealousy.  All he sees is the "new child" getting attention, he doesn't measure it so doesn't see that you invest more time in him right now.  All he sees is a rival for your attention.  You said he has SPD, has he ever had difficulty expressing himself before? If so that could be part of it- not having any other way to express his frustration at no longer being your one and only.  You are on track with discipline, you might try to incorporate some role playing or "new sibling" books to help him understand how he feels and also to help him know that he has not been replaced.  I have two younger brothers, and it can be a rough transition for a little kid- I promise he won't hate him forever ;)  My brothers and I get along pretty well now that we no longer live in the same house ;)

corrinacs
by Platinum Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 11:03 PM

Wow,  I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  I definitely suggest doing something, because he could really hurt the baby intentionally or by accident.

I wonder if its related to his sensory processing disorder.  I know babies can be loud, especially when they cry.  I don't know if your son's SPD is aural, but if it is, perhaps that has something to do with it.

I don't think its attention, like you said you spend a lot of time with him.....but it coudl still be jealousy in some way.

If you feel its gotten out of hand, perhaps you should start seeking professional help.

Good luck!

Indiemom880
by Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 11:05 PM

I don't think more punishment will help. I think it will make things worse. So, don't go that way.

Yes, it's jealousy, but not of things, he's jealous of the attention you give to the baby. It doesn't matter if he gets 80 percent of the attention and baby gets 20 percent, it's still a transition. I was sure we wouldn't go through any jealousy or sibling rivalry because my older daughter was so excited about the baby, but we did. She had no idea how she was going to feel when mommy loved another child too. It went from just the two of us where I loved her more than anyone else to another baby who gets a ton of attention and she's no longer the center of my universe. She's 6 now and the other one is 2 and we've mostly moved past it, but we still struggle. My parents called baby some nickname that they had once used for the older child and she was upset. She would say she wanted me to love her more than the baby. She's a lot more in touch with her feelings than most kids are so that helps.

One thing that helped in our family is to make the older child a big part of things. She became like a second parent and she really liked that special role. I made sure to do things with my older child that my younger one didn't get to do. The baby stayed home with daddy. I would ask her for advice: what do you think we should do with baby? Should we sing this song or that song? I made sure to really involve her so it wasn't like when I was spending time with baby and ignoring her. Make sure you're showering him with affection too. He needs extra affirmation that you still love him.

Poisongirl98
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 12:26 AM
The only thing i noticed that might be rewarding to him is that after he's removed from the family for a few minutes, then he gets 1-on-1 time with parent. I would just bring him back to everybody playing and not play with him by himself. He may also just need to be removed without giving him ANY attention at all.

You're probably already doing this, but just include him in all you can with helping the baby and commenting on what a good big brother he is, and making sure he does get one on one time with him when baby's asleep. Also, maybe there are books that deal with jealousy that can help. I'd also just validate his feelings, and keep giving him the words and tools to express those feelings more appropriately.


Quoting Nicholy10:


Hurting his brother intentionally earns him a time-out or loss of priveledge. 

Taking toys from his brother or attempting to trap his brother in an area, he losses the priveledge to play with the baby. So if we all are playing in one room (me, dad, him, and baby) then he goes to another room by himself to play for a few minutes then one parent joins him. After showing he can play nice with parent, he can return to room to play with baby if he chooses. 

If he continues to repeatedly attempt to hurt or pick on baby he continues to lose privedges and some nights has gone to bed early. 

Spanking is rarely used, unless he does something major. But again it's a last resort.

If he plays nice with brother he earns privedges. 


Quoting PEEK05:

What are you doing to discipline him for this? I don't see any mention of it in your post.





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