If I had my child to raise over again,

 I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.

 I'd do less correcting, and more connecting.

 I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

 I would care to know less, and know to care more.

 I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

 I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

 I'd run through more fields, and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging, and less tugging.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

 I'd teach less about the love of power,

 And more about the power of love.

One reason it is so hard to write about myself is that I don't really fit in the catagories. I am really pained at the judgementalness that mothers are dishing out at each other, yes I do think its important to strive to be an optimal parent.  But truly you cannot control everything, no matter how "educated" or ernest you are.  Take homebirth vs hospital birth or natural birth vs. medicated.  What if you wanted natural unmedicated homebirth but fate through some things into the mix so you didn't end up with one.  (that is my first birth experience) Same with C-sec vs, Vaginal. my near c-sec and hijacked vaginal birth left me feeling as if I already had the c-sec.  It reminds me of when I was a young girl and was almost raped by this guy, I escaped, but emotionally it was too late, might has well been raped. 

What about breastfeeding?  What if you strongly wanted to and most prefered way for you to feed your baby but fate again took over? (this almost happened to me, and truly I was lucky to find the right kind of support that was needed to save the nursing relationship)  anyway, I have often felt I embody both sides of an issue so the strongly negative attitudes that I see towards each other here on cafemom and other mothering sites have been very painful. I suppose I am lucky in that I don't have to be in both sides over the issue of whether to leave baby boys penis' intact or not, however, I still don't appreciate the attacks because I believe that those that allow or support their sons to be cut are extremely acculturated to do so, and I also believe this is true of anyone who hasn't thought of the issue. So if it is acculturation what is the point of focusing on insulting individuals for their choices, and it is acculturation that causes folks to be insulting to begin with so , there you go.

I think acculturation also strongly influences eating choices and food preferences. And when it comes to food prep it is difficult to make major changes, our brains need to have some "automatic pilot" moments, so having to go against ingrained patterns is stressful (initially until the new diet becomes the familar and automatic one) also there is convience and social factors that can cause emotional conflicts towards change.  Problem is our bodies need a variety of nutrients and usually there is a shift in eating requirements every 5 years or so.  So in order to maintain a body supporting diet, there will be times of change, which our brains will want to make excuses and justify the status quo.  I believe that folks need acceptance for their emotional struggles and where they are emotionally about any issue, it doesnt' mean condone or support the behavior, but instead be understanding and trust that your compassion towards them will make change easier.

I practice most of activities that are said to be "attachment parent" but the term sorta sounds insulting as if those that don't practice those activities are not emotionally attached to their children.  However if I think of it in terms of attaching a baby to ones body then I am more comfortable with the term.  Because, I think baby wearing is fun.  But I also use stroller in certain circumstances,  I have exclusively breastfeed my kids, but I do know the trauma of not being able to breastfeed too, I was lucky that the problem was solved, and breast-feeding was saved.  

I also, was a woman that was once told that she may be sterile, and of course for the first 10 years of my relationship with my dh he had a vasectomy.  And all those years I longed for a baby.  His reversal worked but I still had months of crying when my period started to come on, because I wanted to be pregnant so bad.  I've had my baby and then some, and I am very lucky indeed.

I grew up with my father in the military, and I was highly vaccinated.  And I always assumed vaccines to be the best thing ever, and never knew of any negative effects.  Anyway, I do believe the majority of people do not get injured by them and I also believe that vaccines helped lessen or prevent folks from getting certain diseases.  However, in 1997, I received a booster MMR as required by the college I was interested in attending.  When I received the vaccine, it was like someone injected me with a drug that caused a "bad trip"....my brain felt on fire, it was difficult to see, and emotionally I felt like I was having a panic attack.  I was miserable and crying and thought they had mistakenly given me something else.  (I didn't need this vaccine, since I was already vaccinated up to date and then some when I was a kid, so accumulatively its a lot of vaccine, but I thought vaccines were completely harmless)  I never heard of anybody experiencing what happened to me.  This was before I had a computer or ever considered the internet.  I simply went to the book stores and libraries trying to find information as to what happened to me.  I did fully recover, but still I was concerned and curious.

Anyway, I learned that there was a slight chance of brain damage as a potential side effect.  That freaked me out that I never heard of the contraversy surrounding vaccines nor was my informed consent important.  I probably would still have gotton the vaccine, since statistically they seem like they are okay.   Anyway, I feel lucky that I had this experience before having kids since my kids may be vaccine senstive, especially if I am someone who had a bad reaction.  I was pissed to learn that arthritis is linked to adult females getting the MMR.  Thankfully, thus far I don't have this problem.  My aunt had polio and later I had a friend who was deaf because her mother contracted Ruebella while pregnant.  So I want people to be respected for their choices. especailly if since they have a feeling for their family that the risk of not vaccinating is worse to them than the risk of vaccine harm.  I really like Dr. Jay Gordon's perspective: that vaccines are not as safe as vaccine distributors would have you think, nor or they as useless or dangerous as some anti-vaccine groups make them out to be.  Parents need to be respected and given information and not manipulated to make a choice but rather be encouraged to be really thoughtful and individualistic as to what they think is best for their children, so that they can make an informed decision.

Anyway a year later, I get pregnant and during routine blood work, I am told that I am not immune to Ruebella!  DAmn! all that for nothing, but maybe not, maybe my kids would have been vaccine injured.  I don't know.  I wish I could be solid about vaccines one way or another, it seems like folks seem to be totally for them or totally against them.  I was a selective and delayed orienation myself, but I am still freaked out about the traces of toxic chemicals.  I think we need to be individually oriented, and informed decision.  I also think we should be respectful to each other.  I can't help that I am more afraid of potential harm from a vaccine than I am from the disease, and I would feel terrible.  I guess it's a matter of what you fear more and also what is harder for you yourself to live with as a potential consequence of your decision.  I could just have likely have been more afraid of the disease and the potential consequence of risking the disease.  I have met in real life too many people that are certain that their child was harmed by the vaccines.  Even though I am not immune to ruebella, I don't believe the reports that vaccines are totally ineffective.  

I believe vaccines should not be mandatory but rather avaliable for all families that want them.  I believe in freedom of religion but not religious exemptions.  Religious Law should not be above state law.  I think informed consent should be a right in these matters.  I believe everyone has a right to "medical care" however I believe that there should be rights to refuse medical care.  Or have one's own definition as to what medical care is for them.

Anyway, Ihave had some really long labors, including back labor, and also, shoulder dystocia, cord wrapping around the kid.  But I also have had what they call "orgasmic childbirth" but that was lucky too, since I couldn't repeat the circumstances.  All my pregnancies were planned home-births, and they all would have been, if my first was born within 5 days.  I developed post-traumatic stress from the betrayals of my trusted birth team.  But I also made it to the other side of that trauma.  The ideal of all my births was "free-birthing" with my first pregnancy, I assembled very carefully a birth team, midwife backup, home-birth friendly OB and a doula in case I birthed in Hospital.  Since luck plays a part in life, (I want to stress this because "education" can not control everything, and I personally believe that a woman shouldn't have to be "educated" in order to be treated with dignity and respect by the medical profession.

I have had three UC births, again Luck also was part of this, but after my first pregnancy, I didn't want to have any emotional bonds to a midwife or risk my dh trusting the professional more than me and be manipulated by doctors like my first birth.  And I learned only to transfer if it was life or death. 

I love sleeping with babies, smelling babies, and stimulating babies. (and letting them sleep)

I have practiced ecological birth control, and NFP/fertility awareness.  I never smoked cigarettes, I quit drinking alcohol (not that I had a problem with it, just my ego thinks I look older the next day) I have been extremely responsible about sexuality to leaving it to chance.  I have also been too emotionally beat up and full of grief to avoid or prevent a pregnancy.

When it comes to pregnancy, I have experienced the joy of finally getting pregnant, after a long struggle.  I also experienced the joy and amazement of getting pregnant on my first try.  I have experience the joy of finding myself pregnant with out trying to get pregnant and I have experienced grief and fear of becoming pregnant without wanting this to happen.  I love all my children, but we don't live in a tribal supportive culture, or a culture that believes sustanance is a human right for all. So it can be very stressful to anticipate adding another member to society.  I am lucky I never been so overstressed that I went and got an abortion.   I think if you want to end abortion, then take care of the reasons that someone would be so stressed to be pregnant in the first place!

I fell in love with my dh back in 1988. He and I wanted a relationship that was committed but based on true mutual support and learning about who each other is.  Originally, we felt that the models for this kind of relationship was outside mainstream box.  So we were making our own kind of partnership.  We wanted it to be legal (but not marriage, had we heard of the term "civil union" we probably would have done that) Anyway we began legal processes  akin to the process of what a committed homosexual couple would have to do for some legal protections. My dh and I were going to create a new last name that we both shared.  But, the process was getting expensive, and still would leave out too much plus we may have to adopt to have children, which I thought I would eventually, but my body longed to be pregnant and birth and breastfeed. Anyway, In 1997 we decided to legally marry and just keep our names as we were born with.  As for mariage, we are lucky because we do have this option, unlike if we were gay, and of course I was lucky that I was indeed able to do as my body longed. I am so lucky in many many ways.

Anyway, I am lucky to have the genes I have, I'm 41, can't believe it, and I enjoy how based on my looks, folks who meet me thought I was much much younger!  (but I got to be careful these are the years I could drastically age, so I am trying not to care so much, at least I am not as worried about it as I was when I was 39)

I was lucky to teach art at a Private school once a week, while I brought my whole family, with baby wearing/breastfeeding and all!  And now, I have an open studio day at my house every Wednesday, and on Fridays we do a "games lab" with improvisational acting and creative movement incorporated.  Also, I belong to a great home-school club (finally! LOL) where another family and I alternate vegan cooking and sewing classes out of each others homes.

My kids are incredibly smart and wonderful, all early readers, but with my second child we did have some special education for her speech problems (phonological) and I have been enjoying learning different approaches and ways to mentor information. I believe in honoring children's interests but I also believe in sharing and stimulating them, I strongly want them to have a foundation in reading, writing, arts and math (I think creative play and fluency in visual communication is highly important to me, and I also consider mathematics to be an important language) I want kids to have strategies for problem solving and working together diplomatically to get things done.  (but I am also interest led, and strongly believe in lots of free time and a balanced lifestyle)  I'm very casual, and believe learning and living are interchangable!

Children are a passion of mine, in fact the kind of activist for social change is mainly about how we live our life cooperatively with each other.  However, this doesn't mean that I am a permissive parent.  I guess collaboration is how I see how we design our family.   Conflicts are seen as something to work together over to increase awareness and understanding about ourselves and each other rather.  However this can be a struggle since it goes against cultural conditioning.

I believe kids can grow fine in a variety of family cultures.   The personal culture of my family is a vegan lifestyle, cloth diapers with elimination communication, both parents mostly at home (my dh retired early, it was timed right until all this economy messed up our assets) kids with lots of free time but expected to be helpful and responsible members of the household.  We differentiate what is helpful from what is responsible.  Responsible would be something akin to cleaning up after ones self, helpful would be cleaning up after another.  Just like there are family activities or spaces there are personal ones as well.  depending on skill level, all the members of our family are thought to be on a continuum of being a novice to mentor. with apprenticeship and independent practitioner  in between.  We are trying to learn and encourage each other to have effective life skills and habits.

I want my kids to have academic skills, entrepreneur skills, relationship skills, parenting skills, employment skills, money and investment skills and homemaking and repair skills.  Of course, they will always be perfecting these things in their lives, but I hope to have at least given them some foundational experiences.

I'm very excited to learn about Carl Polanyi (I named my baby after him since, I was afraid I would forget his name, LOL) his whole family seemed to have been humanitarians.  Anyway, he was an economist that was ethics based and felt that the lack of being ethically, human rights based is the main problem with capitalism and communism or any economic system.  He felt it is possible to design a structure that is organized and stable yet at the same time incredibly respectful to the human and environmental element.  

I am also very lucky to have lover/dh/SO that I met so young (I was 20) who shares and/or respects my ideals (it seems like he shares them, he sure does support them, but that is what we aim to be for each other)  he sees the best in me and vise versa.  (Can't believe that it's been 21 years, I don't want to sound cliche but he truly is my friend and lover in the deepest sense of those words)

I am also lucky to have another best friend (although best friends is usually applied to platonic relationships, it seems rare to have such a relationship) the kind of relationship with a woman that I always dreamed of.  She is a beautiful funny kind hearted woman, that unfortunately this past year I have been living across the country from. We have been going strong for over 5 years, and I love her like she was always in my life, she is definitely family to me.  

There are some really wonderful folks who are my family of origin too, although we have been hit with lots of crisis and loss over the years. my dad recently died. And I also miss my nephew and the relationship I had with my grandmother when I was a child. (she also has passed away)

Someday, I hope to be part of founding an educational facility village compound that is committed to honoring the feelings and needs of all members, and finding practical ways to create balance and the experience that everyone matters,  Healthy communication skills that center on the idea of really hearing each other at its core. I have come close in the "start up" but there was always some set back mainly due to communication breakdowns.

I believe in autonomy but not at the expense of support and vise versa.  I believe humans need to be in networks with each other that are really aware about what kinds of environments are optimal for folks to be in. I believe people are too harsh on individuals.  I do know trauma and bad things happen to people but I think South Africa is onto something with it's "Truth and Reconciliation" commission.  Being heard is very important part of the healing process.