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- Zookeeper to 3 wild and woolly characters
- Location: Northeast
- Current Mood: Exhausted
- Thought Bubble: Planet Mom: It's where I live. Visit ...
Jul. 21, 2009 at 1:16 PM
And on the Eighth Day, God Created Tactless Children
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And on the Eighth Day, God Created Tactless Children
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"Mom, do you have any clothes that are snug?" one of my brood tossed out as she snacked on a slice of pizza the size of Connecticut. "Snug?" I asked. Could a wispy second grader fully and completely grasp the meaning of a word like snug--as in, "My pants are so fricking 'snug,' I'm going to EXPLODE if I so much as entertain the idea of breathing right now!"? "Yeah. Like stuff that fits you too tight." "Yes, Hon. Virtually everything I own." "No, that's not right, Mom. What you're wearing right now isn't too tight," she corrected. "Okay." That's because I'm so pathetic I happen to be...
May. 19, 2009 at 9:32 AM
And the Deadline Looms...
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And the Deadline Looms...
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It has become painfully apparent that someone didn't want me to meet my writing deadlines last week. Well, it certainly seemed that way-with every wretched creature or thing in this household serving as a colossal distraction. There were those with an unquenchable thirst for adult conversation, those who became obsessed with humming some idiotic little jingle, those who crawled onto my lap to punch the keyboard with glee, those who needed help fishing cereal out of their orange juice and those who had fevers and sore throats and the urge to hurl into a big bucket every nanosecond or so.
...
Jan. 8, 2009 at 8:38 AM
New Year's Resolutions: Pledging the Slightly Impossible and Marginally Hopeless
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New Year's Resolutions: Pledging the Slightly Impossible and Marginally Hopeless
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Now that the hustle and bustle of the holiday season has passed (and we all survived the horrendously addictive Elf movie marathon!), perhaps it's time for me to visit the matter of New Year's resolutions. Here are a few I've penciled in thus far:
•1) LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE-more specifically, I'd like to speak "Dog" so that I might comprehend both the rhyme and reason behind my pooch's random and often errant placement of piddlings and poo. What's more, I'd love to know what compels him to literally screw himself into the ground when he does, in fact,...
Oct. 31, 2008 at 9:57 AM
Dirty, Rotten Tricksters
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Dirty, Rotten Tricksters
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My youngest children recently informed me they weren't at all interested in being cute, cuddly or even remotely adorable this Halloween. Instead, they've opted for the embodiment of all that is wicked, evil and downright horrifying. Forget the plump pumpkins, whiskered kitties, floppy-eared puppies and the most endearing little lumberjacks I ever saw-the ones my husband and I painstakingly adorned with pointillism-inspired beards (read: charcoal eyeliner) and then hauled from porch to porch in his red, wooden wagon, its rugged wheels rumbling over hill and dale, filling the night air with...
Oct. 20, 2008 at 2:22 PM
"It's Joe the plumber. I've come to fix the sink."
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"It's Joe the plumber. I've come to fix the sink."
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I love the fact that my kids have graduated to that stage where they can (and will) go outside and blow the stink off them. Without me. I can vegetate here at my computer, blissfully typing all the meaningless drivel I yearn to share with you (and I will...I promise), while watching them run and jump and climb and twirl and whatever else it is that kids do to entertain themselves in the great outdoors--to include "squishing only the bad bugs, Mommy."
So now to the task of sharing meaningless drivel...what shall I tell you about? Well, perhaps I should reveal my current (and mildly...
Aug. 16, 2008 at 2:35 PM
The Allure of Roadkill
Comments (2)I’ve suffered the wrath of my children for a plethora of reasons—probably for more asinine things than I can possibly count. And most of the time, it has been because I missed something simple along the way—some crucial bit of insight or communiqué that might have taken much of the frustration and complexity out of childrearing. Something that would have made me less of an ogre and more of a compatriot.That being said, I once made the dreadful mistake of trashing someone’s beloved “collection” that was lurking about in a despicable corner of our despicably organized garage....
Aug. 5, 2008 at 10:53 AM
A Sunday School Teacher I Am Not
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A Sunday School Teacher I Am Not
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I admire the folks who volunteer their time as Sunday school
teachers. They inspire hope, nurture faith and tie shoes if need be, guiding
our impressionable youth along life’s uncertain path. It’s a thankless job at
times, I imagine, yet one that is rich with pockets of priceless commentary.
Commentary that spills forth without censorship. Without tact. Without shame.
Kids are a trip. That’s a given. And no where on earth could
that truth be more evident than Sunday school—a venue where openness is
welcomed and children are encouraged to ponder the...
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