i just can't believe it

[hfaulkner]

                                                                    You used to captivate me
                                                                      By your resonating light
                                                        Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

My beloved brother Brady Farrell killed himself May 13th 2008. He was in Wichita Kansas and had been arrested and gotten another DUI. When he was taken to jail he was so drunk he didn't even recognize his own friend in the cell with him. They held him for 6 hours as the law states, then let him go, still very drunk. His cell mate said he staggered out. An unknown person took him home and apparently had a very long conversation with him outside his house. When Brady did enter his house, he said a few words to his room mate, then went into his room and shot himself. My dear brother died instantly and wasn't in any physical pain.

Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees

My brother was such a beautiful, wonderful person. He had the best smile and i will never forget that laugh. He was so brillent. I can't believe he's gone. A part of me just wants to pretend nothing happened. Like we're in a fight or somthing and just not talking. And my mind won't let me accept it. Like i keep waiting for a call or text and i keep checking myspace to see if he's left me a message or comment. I just don't want to say Goodbye. I can't do it. I can't let go of him. He was one of my very best friends, and understood me like no one else could. People keep telling me he loved me more then anyone else on the planet, and i know that, but i can't believe he'd leave me.... I can't believe he'd leave me again. My dad said that when he moved to Kansas when i was still in New York he started crying because he left me there all alone, and so i just don't see why he'd do it again. It hurts so bad. I keep crying, every day i break down. I miss him so much. We would have been hanging out today. He would have been playing with his neice. I keep reliving it all in my dreams so i wake up thinking it's just a bad dream. But then i'm hit with the reality that my brother really is gone. I know i have a whole bunch of people here for me and i have Rett and Lauralie here but i feel alone. He was the only other person on the planet who had the same blood as me.... and now... I'm the only one. I feel like part of me has gone with him and i don't think i'll ever be the same. I don't know how i can move on. I've never lost someone so close to me. I don't know how to accept it and just go on. Everyone says it'll get easier but i can't see how. I love him so much. I get so mad. I can't believe he'd do this to everyone. And i wish i had let him know how much he meant to everyone. He touched so many lives and left so many people to cry. I should have called him. I was planning on calling him that day... i shouldn't have put it off. Maybe he'd still be here. I know he had some awful demons but i can't believe he'd do this... I want someone to blame. Someone to hate. Someone to punish.... but there isn't anyone

 

I need to write more, but i just can't do it now.... there'll be more later

[adys-attic]

May. 28, 2008 at 1:20 AM

 I will keep you in my prayers, in hopes that you may regain the strenght that is lost within you at this moment. With my deepest sympathy.

-Adriana

[BlessedMother74]

May. 28, 2008 at 1:37 AM i will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.  I can't even imagine what your going through.  I only hope that the Good Lord will help heal your pain.  May God Bless You, and your family.

[Boomerfierce]

Aug. 16, 2008 at 9:35 AM

I feel for you dear, and you'll be in my prayers. It really doest hurt when a loved one leaves so soon. Major hugs to you