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Voices To Be Heard
- May 28, 2008 at 2:15 PM
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- Comments (12) Total Views (256) Everyone can see this journal post.
During my internet “stroll” this morning I visited AdoptedJane to see what new and interesting things she had posted since my last visit. A couple posts down and I found myself reading and shaking my head in disgust.
NEVER will I understand this. I don’t believe there is ever justification for attacking an adoptee for expressing their feelings or sharing their experience. And the saddest part of this is it comes at them from both sides, adoptive moms and first/natural moms alike. The very people who should understand above anyone else the unrestricted rights they have to stand up and speak out!
Why do us “moms” feel as if we have the right to do this? Is it because they say things we don’t want to hear? Well, that’s life, right? We are all grown up and mature enough to realize there will always be those who say things we don’t want to hear.
What’s that term . . . C’est La Vie.
Many of us “moms” are out there ourselves, blogging and posting things some don’t want to hear. It certainly shouldn’t surprise us when we come across an adoptee’s voice that is doing the same. EXCEPT, we ALL have a responsibility toward them to listen and actually hear what they have to say. Even if we don’t like it. Too bad! They are the ones caught between us, placed where they are by circumstances they had no control over. To be hurtful and cruel in any way to them is plain and simply wrong!
Is there any other person in this world who is told they are wrong or suppressing feelings if they say they had good parents and a happy upbringing and are content with their life? We don’t question them. We take their words on fact. But let an adoptee say those words and – sorry, but it’s true – there are some first/natural moms who will take it upon themselves to tell them they don’t know what they are talking about, are only fooling themselves and hiding from their true problems.
And on the opposite side of that, we hear about others who had an unhappy childhood or are perhaps confused or unsettled with decisions that were made for them when they were young, decisions they say made a huge impact on the rest of their life. We offer them comfort when we hear these tales. A kind word or supportive shoulder. So why, if an adoptee utters the same words, the same thoughts, some feel the need – and yes now it’s the adoptive moms turn – to tell them they are being ungrateful or causing trouble. Some will even go so far as to accuse them of lying.
It’s no wonder some of them feel trapped between a rock and hard place. They already have so many other liberties denied them. Do they deserve another to be added to the pile?
Of course, I can hear it now, those that want to accuse me of believing we should go backwards and not even discuss adoption with them. But that isn’t what I believe . . . far from it. I think sheltering them and treating them as a fragile china doll that might break into pieces is just as much of an insult.
But there is a line between sharing our experiences, our truths and attacking an adoptee when they don’t agree or have a different opinion. I fully believe we should be open and honest about what has happened and what our feelings are. There are already way too many lies weighing down adoption. But honesty also comes with respect.
It rips at my heart whenever I hear an adoptee refer to his or her first/natural mother with words of hate or resentment. But even more than that, it places a deep fear inside me. A fear that my own son may now or someday feel that way about me. That fear though, does not give me the right to allow it to dictate my responses to the adoptee who has expressed these feelings.
In this area I believe the “moms” from both sides can stand together and do what is right. We are all grown up enough to recognize the difference between sharing our opinions and experiences compared to responding in a hurtful or angry manner because we ourselves may be hurting or angry.
If nothing else this is the one thing we can do for any adoptee who is standing up and speaking out. We need to recognize them as the adults they are and give them the respect and understanding to hear their every word no matter how it may or may not make us feel deep inside.
Tags: adoptees, adopting, adoption, adoptive moms, adoptive parents, birthmothers, first moms, natural mothers
Comments:
"Many of us “moms” are out there ourselves, blogging and posting things some don’t want to hear. It certainly shouldn’t surprise us when we come across an adoptee’s voice that is doing the same. EXCEPT, we ALL have a responsibility toward them to listen and actually hear what they have to say. Even if we don’t like it. Too bad! They are the ones caught between us, placed where they are by circumstances they had no control over. To be hurtful and cruel in any way to them is plain and simply wrong!"
I couldn't agree more. I don't understand when I hear birth moms bad mouthing Adoptive parents. Don't they understand that these are the women our children love. We should be united for their sakes.
I recently came across a group "Adoption from the Adoptee's Point of View" and they were discussing being attacked by First moms on Joe Solls forum. I was stunned!! And apparently Joe was siding with the moms. I've never been to that forum so I don't know first hand that it goes on, but with that many adoptees saying so I see no reason why they would lie about that.
I just don't get it!
Sometimes I have been in group settings with adoptees and they feel hesitant to be totally honest with birth parents around. However, I encourage adoptees to honestly speak their piece. I think they have every right to feel whatever they feel, and I listen respectfully when they talk. In fact, I hate it when anyone - birth or adoptive parents give them grief.
I think that they often are between a rock and a hard place - and as parents - birth or adoptive - it is our job to see that does not happen. Being in the middle is never an easy place to be, and they deserve better than that.
"In this area I believe the “moms” from both sides can stand together and do what is right. We are all grown up enough to recognize the difference between sharing our opinions and experiences compared to responding in a hurtful or angry manner because we ourselves may be hurting or angry."
You are so right Cassi! And I can't imagine bashing someone who's airing feelings about something that they didn't have a choice in.......?!?
Youn attacked me very harshley!!!! It was only 10 minutes ago. WOW!!!! You are amazing...but I will still pray for you!!!
Mary
If nothing else this is the one thing we can do for any adoptee who is standing up and speaking out. We need to recognize them as the adults they are and give them the respect and understanding to hear their every word no matter how it may or may not make us feel deep inside."
PRACTICE WHAT YPU PREACH
I said another prayer,
Mary
Mary - In all the time here on CM, in our many debates, you have never mentioned your experience as an adoptee. I just recently read this experience.
As for attacking you harshly, if that is how you feel I can not change that. You attacked another mom in an unfair, cruel manner,. Accused her of hurrendous actions which were inaccurate and wrong. Many, many of us here have a great respect for onethentwins because of how she stands up and fights for ALL sides of adoption and you chose to take her experience and throw it back in her face harshly.
I defended her in pointing out that you did not have a right to accuse her in the way you were doing. I told you that your son needed your guidance and support not judgement and ugliness. And I told you we would take care of praying for her since we know the remarkable woman she is and we understand the pain she is going through right now.
I did not ever attack your personal feelings about being adoptee. How you feel about your experience is your own and I will not question you or accuse you of being right or wrong about that. BUT, I will stand up to defend another mom when I feel that anger is being taken out on her just as I would if the situation was reversed and I felt the anger was being taken out against an adoptee for the feelings of another.
Thank you.. I guess I am just very emotional about finding another 4 or maybe 5 siblings....Accidentally..The machine is The Chicago politics pawns of the late Mayor...I did reconnect when his wife was dying....I stayed with her then moved my minor kids to Florida..I accept your apology and I vented the anger I have from all the lies.. I sent A PM to the other woman (one then twins) and told her our adoption journey...if you can look up Aparents..an old account..I even posted about how we try and keep natural families together..
Still in my prayers,
Mary
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It rips at my heart whenever I hear an adoptee refer to his or her first/natural mother with words of hate or resentment. But even more than that, it places a deep fear inside me. A fear that my own son may now or someday feel that way about me. That fear though, does not give me the right to allow it to dictate my responses to the adoptee who has expressed these feelings.
I could not have said that better myself. I too have the same fears.