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Adoption - Pick a Side
- May 30, 2008 at 6:17 PM
- By
- Comments (15) Total Views (296) Everyone can see this journal post.
It seems to be a never ending circle running around these days. I said, you said. They said, we said.
Everyone is supposed to pick a side in this adoption debate, see it as black and white. You agree or you don’t.
So if you dare and speak out about adoption, suddenly you are accused of wanting to leave TRULY needy children wallowing in foster care. You are a monster who dares to put light to the truths because those truths somehow mean you want the children to suffer.
And yet – the TRUE meaning of adoption should ALWAYS be what is in the best interest of the child. That’s it. Plain and simple. Nothing complicated there.
But if this is true, why do over 500,000 children remain in foster care to this day? Why are those who TRULY have no family and no home to call their own overlooked by so many and yet there are close to fifty couples waiting for one baby?
Where is the best interest of the children reflected in these numbers?
I don’t understand the reasoning behind - if a woman wants to adopt a baby she should be able to adopt a baby. That sounds more like the best interest of the adults than the child, when you think of the abundance of children who are overlooked or ignored because of this thought process.
I’m not blind to the fact that the foster system needs reform as well. I know there are many difficulties and risks couples face to adopt a child from foster care as well. But, again, if it is in the best interest of the child, aren’t these difficulties and risks worth it? Doesn’t EVERY child out there deserve to have someone fighting for them, facing every opposition no matter what it may be? Why are infants worth this but not older children?
What I see in today’s world, what I come up against when I speak out about my own experience, is a large majority of hopeful couples who say they want to offer a home to a child who really needs one. They are following in God’s way. Doing what the scripture guides them to do. Except these words are only meant for infants.
And the sad reality is many of these infants are coming to them through coercion and manipulation, both here in the United States and abroad. Mothers are being lied to, taken advantage of for their age, married status, financial need, in order to feed more infants into the demand.
And what happens when first/natural mothers and adoptees speak out about these crimes . . . we get attacked by those who want us to remain silent, to not put any kind of negative light into the reality of infant adoption today.
They tell us, the very ones who have lost so much, how we will be the ones responsible for leaving children in foster care. It is because of our actions, because of speaking the truth of what happened to us, that so many children are in such desperate need for a family.
We are the ones to blame, not those who overlooked those children in their quest to adopt the “perfect” baby.
And here, on CafeMom, this debate seems to be gaining strength, the back and forth of picking a side, saying yes or no to what you believe.
But maybe the debate should not be – “I’m wrong and you are right.” Maybe it should be what can we do to help those children who are TRULY without a family? What can we do to protect young woman in both our country and others from the manipulation and coercion that comes from infant adoption? And how can we find a way so that ALL sides are fighting for what is the most important argument of all –
What is best for the children.
Comments:
I'm highly amused by the first post. Adoption.??.....Foster Parent? no,...Adoptive Parent? no,......Adoptee? no, hmm, then I just can't imagine who you are?? LOL we're invisible. 
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!!
Terrific post! What a great job you did on this one!
When I was blogging at adoption.com, I had several amoms who had adopted internationally that were livid with me at times. One even told me that she feel threatened by me because she was afraid fewer people would adopt due to the critical things I said about adoption. She thought my writing was TOO convincing. I told her that I was not anti-adoption, but more anti-relinquishment and pro-parenting in most case.
Plus, I told her that if she cared so much about promoting adoption, that she should join me in trying to improve adoption practices. I suggested that if adoption had a better reputation than it does now, more people would want to adopt internationally. She kept trying to lay a guilt trip on me telling me that more children in dire conditions in orphanages would languish there because I dared to write about adoption reform!
I have no problem with foster care adoptions. But, the separation of more moms and babies through newborn adoptions is what I detest. We already have enough children who need homes, why encourage more family separation?
Damn!!! The first post was deleted. Basically she said something on the lines of:
"I'm confused by your post. Are you a foster mom? Did you adopt? Are you adopted? I work for the foster system and i'm a foster mom"
Couldn't imagine that a birth mother had something to say. We're supposed to disappear into the woodwork never to be seen or heard of again, grateful to society for saving up from our "embarrassing predicament."
The issue of adoption is now huge in North America with the push for adoptions from foster care as a major way of trying to "solve" America's (and Canada's) enormous number of children who have been apprehended for no good reason other than the mother's human rights were abused and she was left in poverty. An estimated 70% of children in foster care are their due to poverty reasons. Welfare reform has a LOT to do with it. If a woman makes the "mistakes" of conceiving when poor, then its tough luck for her, according to the rich white men who run the country and make the rules.
A social worker with the South Australia government confirmed to me that they do NOT allow adoptions from foster care down there! The only time is when an older youth wants to be adopted by long-time foster carers.
So adoption in australia is not an issue that gets people railing in about child protection issues. Wish it were the case here.
Anyway, back to this continent. There is a term called "reproductive exploitation" that has been used in sociology circles to refer to exploiting women for their babies, be it for adoption, taking the children of plantations slaves to sell, or the theft of babies for human trafficking rings (Eastern Europe, Africa, Asia, and South America come to mind, but why are we excluding "white" nations?).
The useful distinction lies in the fact that the term "reproductive exploitation" does not pertain to older children adopted from foster care. It pertains to the exploitation of a vulnerable mother by the adoption industry and its clients. And as the act of at-birth-coerced-separation is the part we have issue with -- the coercion and exploitation of mothers to obtain their newborns for adoption -- as opposed to the act of legal adoption which happens at a later date in court (almost a year later in my son's case!), we can use this distinction to draw attention to what we speak out against. What was done to US as mothers. Not what was done with our children once they had been obtained by strangers.
What do you think?
Your journals are so wonderfully written that any reply I can think of seems to fall short....!
So I shall just say that you are 110% right - adoption should be about what's best for children, every single step of the way.
What too many adoptive parents seem to forget is that it is about the child even after those papers are signed.....it's very easy to be all "warm and fuzzy" BEFORE you adopt....the question is what happens to all those open hearts and homes AFTERWARDS?
The "love bombs" as I've heard Momzilla call them (LOL!) just disappear.
Well I guess I had a little more to say than I thought.
GREAT POST MY FRIEND!
Very well done! I happen to work in foster care and it is so true. EVERY time I do a recruiting event, people tell me they only want a baby or under two - get this - so they don't have any problems! Older kids will be angry because they know about their ugly past. Also, I hear that if you have an older kid then the birth family is an "issue". This bothers me. People don't get it. In reality, the older kids often do much better because they DO know their past.
Anyway, how do you convince America that it is okay to love and adopt a school age child or teen?
Thanks for your post!
Excellent Post.
Excellent Point.
I've posed the question with friends - if they (PAPS) have soooo much "love to give a child..."
why NOT give that love to a child who is stuck in the foster care system and desperately needs that love. ???
I think if some people wouldn't come across as so radical and would present their case in a level headed manner you would be better received by in large. I think your message is a valid one. I just think that the way some of the posters choose to present themselves, does an injustice for the message you attempt to get across. Posting "Adoption is a Violent Act" (among other radical comments and statements) is not beneficial to anyone. Trying to invalidate the "realness" of adoptive families (nomatter which type of adoption was used to form them) only hurts the children that have already been dealt a blow in losing biological parents.
Let's be level headed and I'm sure you'll find that many "pro-adoption" women will agree with you in that we should focus on finding homes for the orphaned children and make sure our teen moms are not coerced. I agree that domestic infant adoption practices may very well need reformed. I would love to see your movement get that done. I would love to hear your thoughts on how to find answers to your concerns that are real and practical.
I'm just hear to tell you that you are going to have to change your tone if you want anyone to think you rational and reasonable. Maybe that means disassociating with some of the ladies that cannot manage that? The company you keep says alot about a person, and maybe you are being unfairly judged because of that. I am just trying to be helpful here. Also, why not promote foster-adoptions and adoptions from orphanages abroad? It would only help with your area of concern and you could actually help some children in need along the way! How cool would that be?
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