I get it. You are the sexiest woman alive. Every man wants to do you, and every woman has you on their "I will go gay for" list. But seriously, we have to talk.

In 2005 I hear you're adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. Fine, cool. I dig it. Then you go and name her Zahara Marley. Your skill for name picking matches the greatness of your rack. However, Marley was my hypothetical daughter's name, and I'm grouchy at you for yet another reason, besides the lips, the boobs, and the cat eyes I can never duplicate with even expensive eyeliner. Let's not even touch the looks of your significant other.

It's at this point when my children are growing that I debate having a third and final child to introduce into our family. I make plans. I research VBACs. I pick out names. I am solid on these names, and since DH and I fight constantly about names (he has no taste, I'm sure you can understand my plight here), they are etched in stone since we actually agree with them. One for the possible boy, one for the possible girl.

 Then 2006 rolls around and I hear you plan on adopting another little boy, giving him the name Pax. I'll let this one go since it's not an exact copy of the boy name I had picked out (BEFORE you) of Paz, but it's disgruntling to say the least.

Now that I'm trying to conceive, I've done all the preparations. Taking my prenatals. Cutting down my soymilk. Refusing the x-rays at the dentist much to their chagrin, since I'm a goldmine of cavities. I'm closer to my hypothetical Bowden Paz or Isla (but probably will change the spelling to Ayla so as not to confuse her classmates who don't get the nuances of Gaelic) Marley.  And today I hear you've given birth to two beautiful baby girls -- congratulations. But seriously -- did you HAVE to name one Isla? Really? I mean REALLY!?

I get that I'm smart and witty, but seriously. Stop swinging off my proverbial nuts and stealing my name ideas. You're the one with the headlines and it makes me look like the US magazine obsessed loser. You're screwing my crap up here. I was looking forward to seeing "Wanted," but now the whole experience will be miserable since you're going all Single White Female on me, and I'll just be bitter the whole movie. Better yet, since you're stealing my brain, how bout you send some of those boobs my way? Maybe some of the husband, eh? I see this as a fair trade since you're kyping my brilliant baby naming skills.

If you get a dog, please contact me first so you don't steal anymore of my genius. Thank you.

 

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Comments:

arbro...
Jun. 1, 2008 at 2:33 AM And this is why I love you.

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Prett...
Jun. 1, 2008 at 2:40 AM awesome lol

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devoll24
Jun. 1, 2008 at 2:41 AM First I want to say this is hillarious. You should be a writter if you're not one already. Or at least a celebrity blogger. Second of all I would like to say that I may be one of the only women that would  "go Gay" for Angelina. I know many people tell me I am crazy, but I just don't get it with her. I'm not feeling her sexiness. Now talk about Eva Mendez and I will be ready to leave my husband. LOL

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TeaEa...
Jun. 1, 2008 at 3:47 AM

She is NOT the sexiest woman alive. Nor would I ever go gay for her.

 

Everything else? Awesome. lol

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sarah...
Jun. 1, 2008 at 8:19 AM Hahahahaha...awesome.

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yogap...
Jun. 1, 2008 at 8:19 AM TeaEarlGreyHot

TeaEarlGreyHot Jun. 1, 2008 at 2:47 AM

She is NOT the sexiest woman alive. Nor would I ever go gay for her.

 WORD!!!

This is why you're hot... 

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sarah...
Jun. 1, 2008 at 8:53 AM I agree with Jill and Maya...she's not on my "girl crush" list, either. You're hotter, baby! WOOT WOOT! lol

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Mudfi...
Jun. 1, 2008 at 9:02 AM LOL that was great

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needs...
Jun. 1, 2008 at 9:33 AM Great piece. I would not go gay for Angelina.

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runaw...
Jun. 1, 2008 at 10:01 AM LOL! Why can't she consult you first? It's the only considerate thing to do.

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