Bittersweet Symphony

Life as I know it ...

Ok, so I'm not up to date on my movie watching!  I just watched this one for the first time tonight.  With all that I have been through, and am currently IN ... there are tears down my cheeks right now.  I PRAY I am a better Mommy than Drew Barrymore's character, Beverly, was.  She TRIED so hard, yet her boy always knew that HE was the reason that he life was derailed, he knew that he was the reason why her dreams were never ... even if it wasn't TRUE ... he still felt that.  I don't want my kids to ever even think about that.  They are my reason for everything, they are all I am and all that I do.  Yet there are times when I am STILL confused and angry about it all.  I was 19 when I got pregnant the first time, and I would have NEVER married Robert otherwise.  That was NOT my plan, but it was what I di because I thought it was what I needed to do.  And with the twins, sometimes I am so pissed off that God allowed me to have them.  * I KNOW that's not right, and it's not how I feel all the time, but there are moments*  Because he was involved with her from the beginning of my pregnancy.  I KNOW that they are all 3, just ... they are everything, I love them more than I ever even thought was possible.  But it's all so scary.  The thought of being a sigle mom of three, the CONSTANT responsibilty. 

I feel like I'm crazy.  I don't care if this allsounds goofy ... an epiphany moment all because of some old 90's movie?  I can't let it all, not just the kids, but ALL of it, my entire circumstance, any of it ... I can't let it stop me.  I can't give up.  I can't be too afraid to move, because if I screw up by not even TRYING I can't let my kids think for even a second that it could ever be their fault.

At the end, when she tells him that he is the one that saved her ... DAMN right.  Where would I be right now if not for my 5 year old?  Yeah, OH YEAH my situation SUCKS huge giant stinky monkey balls right now ... and there are times when I start to think "What might have been?" and it looks greener, but ... who knows?  That little boy changed my life, my outlook, my decsions, my entire make up, my everything.  I LOVE being a mommy.  There's a lot of everything up in the air and MESSED up right now, but THAT much ... that much I KNOW I've got right.  I am a kick ass mom.  My kids are my everything and I am NOT going to let anyhing mess that up for me, even myself.

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Comments:

rennez
Jun. 1, 2008 at 8:55 AM I think that movie is pretty powerful!  We own it and I watch it all the time. 

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lipp0063
Jun. 1, 2008 at 9:16 AM

I've never seen that movie but I completely understand how you are feeling. Like why was I given these children if we aren't going to be together? I've thought about that a lot and I figure maybe they are the whole reason I got married, maybe that was part of the plan. I think my kids are pretty amazing and I don't know what type of person I would be without them. I'm going to be a single mom in 12 days and it scares me but I'm also excited to finally see what I can do in this world.

Growing up with divorced parents I never really thought that I was holding my mom back. She still went to school and got her master's degree while raising 4 girls on her own. I think she is an awesome woman, I knew her life was hard but that wasn't my fault. I don't blame my dad either for walking out on her, if he hadn't done that she would have been stuck in a loveless marriage and not done anything with her life. But now she is a teacher for kids with emotional disabilities and married to a really wonderful man, who considers all of us his daughters. I'm kind of rambling but you know I'm here for whatever.

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Mikia...
Jun. 2, 2008 at 2:47 AM

I think things dont get any easier...do they? : /.. But dido...why did we have our children with that guy if he wasnt gona stick around...BUT I cant imagine life without my cupcake.

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Mamma...
Jun. 9, 2008 at 11:00 AM Its funny how we as humans can't see the bigger picture when our life seems to be falling apart.  Our daughter was a total surprise, we never intended to have a third child, but God gave her to us for a reason and we wouldn't trade her for anything. Sometimes God gave us our kids to keep us from making even worse decisions or to help us feel His unconditional love when we are just not felling love at all. All you have to do it look in a child's eyes and you can see the love of God in the truest and purest way.  GOD BLESS OUR KIDS!!!

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