I don’t want to tell my father I’m pregnant. And I finally figured out why today. I was driving to one of Erik’s baseball games and calling dad to confirm directions when I commented on how beautiful the neighborhood was and how I’d love to live there. I didn’t know at the time before he had sad anything that it was going to turn into the rest of the day me feeling shitty about myself.  His response was “well get a job and then you can”. Maybe I’m hormonal maybe I’m crazy but it felt like one of those “sayings” that’s really an insult to your being.  I wasn’t saying that to him so I could hear advice in return or a lecture on how I could do it. I know how I can move into a beautiful neighborhood and drive a nice car. I know how to do it. A “yeah it’s really nice isn’t it?” would of been sufficient enough for me. I thought about this all day though. And THIS, right here, is why I don’t want to tell him. It’s enough that I’m struggling with my own day to day thoughts of how much more of a life I want to give Nathan. How incredibly guilty I feel for being so irresponsible and getting knocked up with another baby when all I really want is to dedicate my whole life to him. It really is enough for my mind to handle for the time being...I don’t need another burning feeling in my chest-my dad. Even if he didn’t respond outloud to the news negatively...I know it’s there and I can still feel it. I don’t need it. Even more...I don’t think I can handle it right now. It wasn’t even last night I had an abortion dream. I didn’t go through with it but why in God’s name and I dreaming about that at 13 weeks pregnant? I didn’t dream of such sad stuff with Nathan. It was all unicorns and fairy dust with him. Magically and magestic. Everything about him was beautiful-what is #2 going to be...a burden? Or is it going to turn out fine and I’m going to look back 6 months from now and think what the hell was wrong with me and feel bad for ever writting this journal entry. I’m so confused with myself it’s crazy. I wanted another baby. I did. And here I am. Blessed with another and I keep bouncing back and forth between happy and omg what the hell have I gotten myself into. I read this woman’s post the other day about her newborn...her baby that was already born and breathing and developing a personality and she wrote these words...I’ll never forget: When is it going to get easier? I miss spending time with my first son and husband. She sounded miserable. I don’t want to be this woman. I never NOT enjoyed one single moment with my son. I want it to be the same this go around and I want everything NOT to change. I don’t want my son to be some kind of push over when the baby comes and I don’t want to look at my new child, my second child...like he or she is some kind of burden. I don’t want that, not for one day. I just want everything to be okay. Is everything going to be okay?                      

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Comments:

South...
Jun. 2, 2008 at 1:45 AM

Yes all will be okay. ((Hugs))  You will have enough love and attention for this new little one also.

Tell your dad.....don't wait....it's your life not his. Even if he is not happy about it right now I'm sure he will be when the baby comes. All will work out.

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n_ram...
Jun. 2, 2008 at 2:10 AM

Thanks.

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