It's 204 in the morning and there is nothing on tv. I should either be asleep (but I am still dealing with the insomnia) or doing homework/taking notes (but I feel unmotiated).

My ds had a really bad day today. He is starting in on the lying and we are trying to stop it from happening but it just doesn't work. We sent him outside to play and he comes back in 10 minutes later because he is bored. He plays in his room for 5 minutes and then hits up the tv for 10 minutes then starts chasing the cat. We asked him what was wrong with being outside and he said he was cold... it was like 80 outside. UGH!!! So we hvae a rule, if he isn't going to go and play outside then he needs to take a nap. This way he isn't a complete monster by the close of the day. (Seriously, this child doesn't get a nap and he seems to loose hearing). 

Then on top of that you ask him a question about why he is/was doing what he was doing and he just closes up. He stops talking and starts crying... then you really can't understand him. Then you get pissed because you can' understand him and he cries harder. UGH. Then I went outside to pick up his toys out of the yard (which he knows he needs to do before coming inside because we never know when the landlord is going to mow the yard). As I am headed back inside I find the cord to his camera sitting in the drive way. He didn't even ask. I ask him what the cord was doing outside... he starts crying and saying he doesn't know. HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW.... HE PUT IT OUT THERE!!!! So it was corner time... I made lunch and after lunch told him that he needed to take a nap because he wasn't listening or paying attention to the rules that we have set up to keep his stuff nice and himself safe.

He didn't take his nap. He refused. Actually he came out 20 minutes later to pee and then told me that he had taken his nap. UGH!!! Quit lying!!! Nobody likes liars!!! So he got yelled at for lying and then told to go and take his nap. I tried to take the "good cop" aspect of the whole thing. I went and talked to him. I seriously walked in there and asked him why he didn't want to take his nap... what was wrong... he started tearing up again! WTF is going on? 

I tried explaining that he wasn't in trouble. We wanted him to take a nap so he could stay up and we could have fun. I asked him if he remembered the last time he didn't take a nap when he was supposed to what happened... he said that he was getting yelled at all day. Then I asked him what happened on days when he got enough sleep and he said that those days were good. Well if he can see the difference why the hell does he fight it??? I explained to him that it was NOT a punishment. I explained to him that they were going to have a nap time at school this fall (he starts kindergarten) and that they did it so that they were able to learn more in the afternoons and that it wasn't punishment at school. He doesn't care. 

Seriously... today he was lying down in his room forever!!! I went to take a small nap and figured that when he woke up from his nap he would wake me up (mind you this was after our talk and that he had promised me to take his nap). He didn't. He didn't even take his nap. I woke up at 8 to make dinner. He was in there the whole freaking time!!! My fiance was involved in work that he didn't even notice the time fly. So I made dinner and we ate my son brushed his teeth and went to bed. WTF??? Seriously!!!

Then on top of all this dumb shit I am dealing with the insomnia. But if I sleep at night I don't seem to have time to do any school work. During the day I am cleaning a ton now and dealing with my son - and when not dealing with him I am doing things with him like going to the park. 

Then on top of everything else I have court with my asshole of an ex at the end of the month. Yea, it is at the end of the month but I really wish this guy would fall off the face of the fucking earth. Every time something like this happens I withdraw and I feel like shit. He has been in trouble millions of times... fuck... he has been on the verge of death like 3 times that I know of and he just won't fucking die. What is serously wrong with this guy??? He is on a shit ton of probation. I found out that good behavior was a part of the deal and he had recently gotten in legal trouble... do they pop him for violation of probation... hell no. WTF???

I hate how this asshole has this fucked up hold on me. I hate him so fucking much and I wish that he would just fall off of the face of the earth and he won't. Everytime I think I am rid of him somehting else comes up and he is right there again... Has been for the past 5 fucking years. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

On top of that my fiance's business seems to be tanking. I don't work. I am not allowed until after I finish my bachelors degree. (So I can focus on my studies... and this was approved by my fiance). But Jebus Christe there is only so fucking much we can take. I just want a normal life. Everytime things go on an upswing shit like this happens and I hurt... I hurt for him... I get stressed and I don't understand... and I feel like shit.Seriously... he works 21 hour days... and we struggle because his clients are assholes. I barely get to see him. We don't spend any real quality time as a family... it fucking sucks. 

Well, I think I am done for now... I still feel like shit and now I am crying... I wish life could be a little easier. I wish this shit wasn't happening.. and I hurt... I am upset... and it SUCKS.

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