I'm going in (yet again) for surgery soon, and I go in this week to see exactly when.  Without going too into it, basically it's for a non cancerous tumor that's growing (yet again) made up of blood vessels, in my head, known as a venal malformation.  I've been lucky so far, because since sometimes I can go literally years between surgeries, and there isn't any special daily care stuff for it, we've been able to be stationed overseas, etc.  But still, some of these are more dangerous than others, and, as the Dr's have put it to me repeatedly, mine "is very tricky, do you mind if we take pictures for teaching purposes, bring in people to observe, use your case as part of a study we're presenting at this conference..."  So, it's not exactly a routine cakewalk surgery.  

My husband is deployed (yes sometimes the military will let you come home for stuff like this, no, due to various things that I can't discuss, mine can't), so my mil came up for the month to help me.  I'm very grateful for that. 

This is hard on all of us, and I know it's really hard on the kids.  My son thinks he has to be strong for me (he's 15) and my daughter hates it, because she doesn't like to see me hurting and all swollen and battered from it, because it upsets her to see me like that (she's 14).  They both know how serious it is.  (They've grown up with me having to go through this, this will be the 6th surgery on it since they were little.)

'm sorry, I know this is very poor pitiful me sounding, but it's late, I'm tired and I should be going to bed, but I can't sleep, and I'm feeling very scared and sorry for myself.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to write yet another set of "in case" letters for my kids telling them how much I love them if things don't go well.  

I don't want to NOT write them and have things not go well.   

I don't want to do this again.  

I know I have to do this again - I COULD die from the surgery, I  COULD have a stroke from it, I COULD be paralyzed by it, or I COULD have parts of my head and face die from it, but if I DON'T have it, then I WILL continue to hemorrhage out of my nose, it WILL keep growing until I have the headaches again, it will interfere with my ability to use my mouth, and it WILL eventually kill me.  

I know I'm so lucky to have had this much time, and that I didn't die from it years ago when they started treating it, but I don't care, I want more!  I want to watch my children grow up.  I want to be there when they get married and have babies.  I want to watch those babies grow up.  I want to grow old with my husband. 

I want to get it over with. 

I want to be done with this.    

I want to live, and not have to worry that there is something in my head that could one day kill me.

I want more time.   

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Comments:

syrupg
Jun. 2, 2008 at 7:34 AM I am so sorry you're going through this...please let me know if you ever want to talk!

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5Monkeys
Jun. 2, 2008 at 9:18 AM

There aren't words. There is no 'oh don't worry about it'. But, I can say this:

You've got a good track record with this thing.

You bounce back because you're you.

People like us don't die from the stuff we're supposed to, we do things like fall down the stairs or something amazingly stupid that kills us. 

Resilience can't be taught, it just is. You are.

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vchri...
Jun. 5, 2008 at 11:34 AM I am very sorry for all you are going through, but I will say this...  You have the best attitude about it that I have ever seen.  You want to live and that is over half of what it takes to survive something like this.  If you don't mind you can message me and I can give you a story about a family member of mine that you remind me of.  They are in a very similar situation and have been for almost twenty years so it can be a good source of inspiration.  I hope that all will go well for you and am praying for you.

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