This really has been a wonderful journey so far. It's kind of hard trying to put together words on what I'm feeling right now. So many thoughts are basically going through my head.

I've never felt quite like this in all my life, but I feel somewhat at peace. This is going to be my first one. Due on the first day of August of this year. So, yes, sixty days to go according to my ticker and my calendar. I'm nineteen years old with a lot of things to learn. This kid I am having wasn't accidental, it was just earlier than expected. At first I wasn't sure if having a kid was the right thing to do.

One day I somehow got pregnant, had positive and negative feelings about it, but right now I remain positive. A lot of my friends were shocked, I was slightly hesitant to tell my mother and my biological father. I didn't tell my brothers until I was close to half-way through with it. Some of my friends knew right off the bat. I refused to call my soon to be ex-stepfather a grandfather of my future child because all he did was caused me a headache and made me hydroplane on a busy street when he told me he was going to call the cops on me because I was hanging out with my boyfriend and I had to "return the car" since it wasn't in my name yet. Basically he kicked me out of the house when my mother was trucking. I really shouldn't dig up the past like that because stress isn't good, but I can't wait until he's gone and out of my life forever. The man was greedy and nothing more.

The name game was particularly a fun one. I was kind of being a dork wanting to name the kid after a video game character, but felt that he or she would probably be embarassed if he was the only one in school with, let's say... the name "Sephiroth." I wanted to name him Axel at one point, but James was like "Nooo, I'm not going to have my son being named after some biker, radio dj, or a guy from a band that lost their talent (Axl Rose).  So I switched around the letters disappointingly and asked if we could name him Alexander or Alex for short. That was a possibly! But the name that everyone seems to like is Nicholas. But if it's a girl it would most likely be Ophelia.

My mother is really excited over the baby to the point she is pestering me to take pictures of my preggo self. I'm really self concious though especially since one girl at the local Kroger decided to be rude. She was working there, of course, and I was merely trying to get to my boyfriend who didn't want to stop until he got to the frozen section. I was kind of straggling behind 'cause I was tired. So I almost had a collision course with some girl who was pushing trash into the back room. I pause my steps, she pauses hers. I proceed to move to get out of her way and rush over to my boyfriend without running (basically powerwalking) and I didn't feel like waiting for someone who was looking at me like a deer looking at a truck at ngiht. You know the whole are you going to just stand there or are you going to move? My boyfriend was walking away so I made the first move and the girl was like "So you want to just plow right into me?" No, I didn't. I didn't make any physical contact with her. I was just the quicker one of the both of us because I was aggrivated and I wanted to get my shopping done. Is that too much? I might be pregnant but I'm not going to be slow when it comes down to catching up with my beau at a grocery store.

I'm sick of this state because of the rude people here. It's an unsafe place in most parts of town because we're so close to Atlanta. I dislike the ignorant people who were like "Aw hells naw" when they saw me and my boyfriend holding hands while browsing around a Good Will. Tell me ... when you see two people standing at the same height, both with short hair, both kind of the same build holding hands... one of them having boobs and a belly bump. Do you think at least one would be a female? That day I wasn't even trying to hide being a girl.

But, yeah, I just feel like getting things off my chest today. It's a journal, and it's mine, so I hope you guys don't mind me just being here, being me. I've already written another post but I decided to make it another entry since it's also as lengthy as this. I suppose the reason why I'm writing so much now is because I had a lot on my mind for the past couple of months and I had no internet connection hence how I didn't know of this site in the first place. Eh, the kid is kicking me so I guess that means "come on, end this post already."

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Jun. 2, 2008 at 3:09 PM

Hi Ajisai,

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