I’m taking a moment to reflect on this because time is precious and who knows what will happen tomorrow…..


My grandmother (my father’s mother) has never liked me since I was born. I stood for everything that my mother stood for and that wasn’t good. When my parents divorced my relationship with my grandmother became even more strained and I could never measure up to my brother. My dad lived with his parents after my parents divorced so I had no choice to visit my grandma on my court-ordered every other weekend visits. My brother was the good kid and he deserved everything and I deserved nothing. When Michael and I played with our toys in the living room and it was time to clean-up I had to clean-up ALL the toys with no help from Michael. It was my responsibility to put his shoes in the back room. If Michael didn’t want to eat his vegetables he didn’t have to. I, on the other hand had to sit at the table until that nasty lookin green sh** was gone. Going to my grandma’s house was a weekend-trip to hell, I tell you. I never thought that there were mean grandmothers. All of the grandmother’s I knew were so kind and showered their grand-kids with love and attention. Some of these incidents’ might seem trivial but as a young girl they were traumatizing. My mother told me it was house she was raised (she’s from LA) and it is what it is. I could never understand what I did to make this lady treat me like this. When birthdays and Christmas came around I got the shorter end of the stick. Michael received more praise, more toys, and more money. I looked around at the way she treated other people and she was the sweetest old lady on planet earth. I tried and tried to kill her with kindness but when that didn’t work I just kept my distance. If I entered the kitchen and she came in behind me that was my cue to find the nearest exit. Being alone with her in the same room was torture. My grandma could say mean things to me for no one else to hear. My word against her word. One day I was fighting with Michael and I threw one of his toys in the trash. My grandma quickly reprimanded me and told me to get out of the trash. There was no investigation as to what events led me to throw away Michael’s toy but, I insisted that my grandma fetch the toys herself because she was “trash after-all”. All hell broke loose and all my family members learned of this disrespect that I had given my grandmother. My mother was told by my grandma that if she didn’t get me under control I wouldn’t amount to anything. Mind you I have always succeeded academically, Michael on the other hand did not. My grandmother told my mom that I was unruly and basically I was going to be in prison for throwing away Michael’s toys. My grandmother told my mother one day that she ought to start ringing the door-bell when she came to pick me and my brother up. That was the day my mom had enough and just told us to wait outside once we knew she was on our way to pick us up from the hell house. The older I got the more disrespectful I became to her. Of course I was taught to respect elders but not this lady. I remember being pregnant with Dejah and she told me I had to scrub the bathroom floor on my hands and knees. I asked for a mop at which time she told me I didn’t need one. I’m pregnant…hello.


So fast-forward 26 years later and my grandma is deteriorating right before my eyes. Last year before I had Amari I could see the oddly changing stare and knew that my grandmother was changing. She’s just not the same lady anymore and it’s just not about her memory. My relatives were worried when she started putting the entire box of the pot pie in the oven and when she cleaned the entire kitchen with a tub of bleach and forget to tell all the people who leaned up against the counter. My grandmother who cooked every day for the past sixty some odd years completely stopped. My grandmother who did all the grocery shopping in the house completely stopped. In the domestication department the crown goes to this woman so to see these changes is like looking at a totally different woman. Alzheimers is robbing my family of a sweet lady known as "grandma". She doesn’t conversate the same she does nothing the same. Here’s the kicker: SHE’S NICE TO ME! My grandmother started repeating the same things over and over again as if her vocabulary didn’t allow for any other sentences. “Do I know you” “what if that baby said I love you back what would you do (speaking of Amari)”. Then her license was revoked. At this point I’m talking to all my family members and insisting that she not be left home alone, while my grandpa is away at work. Last week she lit up a cigarette (on the stove…..scary) and asked me if I wanted one.

“grandma I don’t smoke I have asthma”!!!!


This woman who treated me badly as a kid is deteriorating right before my eyes. I love my grandma and my heart-aches for her. I want my old grandmother back. I want the lady back that made me scrub the floors on my knees and told my mom I wouldn’t amount to anything. I don’t hold resentment…..there is only love in my heart for my grandmother. For tomorrow is not promised…….


Some people place values on the latest coach purse or the Cadillac Escalade. I place values on irreplaceable things, such as ones life. I have tussled with the fact that my grandma didn’t treat me right and why should I even care? I’m at peace with grandma's ways and without her I wouldn’t be typing this journal today!








Your life is your design you are the architect!

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Jun. 2, 2008 at 1:35 PM Sometimes you have to overlook the bad things because at the end of the day it is still your loved one. My grandfather although he has always been good to all his grandkids, is having early signs of alzheismers and is now in a nursing home. he also just beat lung cancer. But it is hard to see him like he is. sometimes he won't reconize some people but then he snaps out of it. like you said tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

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Jun. 2, 2008 at 1:53 PM you are such a beautiful soul,,,, I hope more read this, every word you wrote is so true,,, you rise above the pain and still find the love your soul is geniune.... xoxxoox, Lisa

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Jun. 2, 2008 at 4:08 PM Aww honey, what a terrible thing to see happening :( I'm so sorry. One of my friends' mothers suffered from Alzheimer's for years, to the point where she didn't remember her children or grandchildren at all. It was heartbreaking. I'm here for you if you need to talk about it....

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Oct. 10, 2008 at 6:37 PM

Wow, Mo..Reading this makes me want to re-connect with my borthers' father...He was an awful man, but this journal makes  me want to write him...

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