I have kinda been holding this in for a while..  I have been pretty upset with my Dad, his wife, and my half Sister since Zachary was born, or I should say a couple days after Zachary was born..  First I will give you a little bit of a background info before I go on about what I am upset about..

When my Mom and Dad were 17 years old, they had sex, well in that result my Mom got pregnant with me. My Mom told my Dad about me and he acted like nothing had happened.  My Mom had a hard time keeping in contact with my Dad to let him know what was going on with the pregnancy, I think that it is partly because my Mom did not find out that she was pregnant with me until she was 4 months almost 5 months pregnant.  She was getting per periods like normal so she had no clue, so my Dad must of thought that my Mom was lying about who the Dad was as they had not had sex for a long time.  But anyways my Dad was a Momma boy and so when my Mom went into labor my Mom called my Dad to let him know that she was in labor and my Dad said that he would be there and never showed up, he later told my Mom that it was because he had to milk the cows as his Mom told him to.  So, anyways my Mom had decided that she was not going to let me see my Dad or my Dad see me until I was of age. My Mom did tell me about him when I was 12 years old.  So, anyways, my Dad was told about me by mutral friends of my Mom and Dad's and he never tried to find me.  Matter of fact when social services set up an visiting appointemnt to see me, he never showed up, and he told the socical worker that I was a black baby, to bad that I am white....  Well, when I was 19 my Mom called my Dad at his work (She kept tabs on him since I was born, though he never knew this) and told him that he had a daughter that would like to meet him, and that I was not black that I was white, and he needs to stand up and see for himself.  Well, he decided that he would see if I was really his.  He thought that he was going to get this out of his life once and for all and he was going to get a blood test to proove that I was not his.  Well, my mom set up the date, time, and place, and when he showed up and saw me, he could not say anything.  He said that when he saw me he said that it was like he was looking in the mirror.  So there went the blood test out the window.  Anyways, the first question that he asked me was...  What do you want?  Are you looking for money?  That upset me as I did not want anything other then a Father in my life, a Father that cared about me and heck even loved me and just be a Dad.  We missed a lot and I did not want to miss anymore.  So, anyways, he seemed to be happy that I did not want anything other then for him to be a Father. He told me that he has one daughter, and a wife.  I wanted to meet them too, and hope that we would all get along.    He saw me about once a month from there and on, and then there was a BIG gap where I did not hear from him for a LONG time I think that it was maybe about 1 year.  He came to see me and then he stopped again.   I then wrote him a letter letting him know what I wanted..  I wanted him to be a Dad and to be there for me, and I knew that we had missed a lot, and we cannot make up for the past, but we can take what we had and made the best of it..  I knew that we could not just be close right away, but I wanted him to put forth the efford more then he was.  Well, I hever heard from him and then another year went by.  Well, about 3 years ago he started talking to me and inviting me to their house on like 4th of July and some other things.  But it still was not consistant..  They invited my husband, myself and Brandon up for Christmas last year and we went.  It was fun and I felt that I was part of the family as I was never invtited to their house before for Christmas and I thought that things were going to start to turn around and that my Dad was actually going to try to do better now.  It seems that I am always going up there to see him, he has not made an attempt to come down to see just me in SO long.  If he does come his daughter and wife are with them, and they all keep saying that we have to get together more often and they talk about all of these plans and nothing ever comes of it... So, now on the the current issue...

I had Zachary on April 17th, and when I was in the hospital my Dad, his wife, and my Sister came to visit me.  I felt thankful for that.  It was good to see them and all.  But then I found out that they just came by as they were in the area.  I forgot to mention that we live about 2 hours apart.  That made me feel bad then, as it was just convenent for them then.  We drive up there to see them because we care and want to see them, not because we are in the area.  So, anyways..  Zachary was not with me as he had to be at Children's because of his condidtion, and they told me that once I got out of the hospital they were going to come and get me and we could go see Zachary..  When I got out of the hospital I sent them an E-mail, and no responce.  I never heard from them...  So, then my Sister Graduated this year..  I am very happy for her and we were invited to her open house, okay cool..  About a week before the open house we were told that we can only stay for 2 hours and that it is my Sister's Day and I need to let her have the day. Okay first off...  They had not seen Zachary yet, and it has been 8 months since they had seen Brandon, so I would think that they would be glad for how ever long we stayed and not only that it is  2 hour drive..  Well, when I was at the open house I was not feeling very happy, as my Dad was never there for me when I was growing up and I seen the life that I could of had, or as close as it could of been.  The love that I seen between my Sister and my Dad just killed me inside!  I was moleted by my stepdad and my Mom was so in her self that I really did not get the love that I should of growing up.  But while I was there my Dad really did not talk to me and my Step Mom was nice, but she really did not talk to me much.  My half Sister talked to me a little, but I just felt out of place.  Well, my husband took Brandon inside to change his diaper while I was out in the garage with the rest of the people taking care of Zachary when a convo started up with someone asking my Dad how he felt about my Sister leaving..  My Dad said that it will be hard but they keep themselves pretty busy.  Then someone else said, you should of had another baby, and my Dad said, "No, I only wanted 1!" Then he saw that I was sitting there and then he quicly added at home..  I felt so bad!  I just wanted to cry right then and there.  I just held it all in as it was my Sister Day.   My husband asked my Dad if they were going to be coming to Brandon's birthday party and he said that he could not as he had to work.  What a load of crap!  First off I sent the invite out like a month prior to his birthday party, and you cannot tell me that he could not ask for the time off.  He never even asked for it off.  Or was he going to try.  There is one thing for sure, I am sick of giving and giving and doing everything that I can so that they can see their grand children and sick of trying to make a relationship work that is not even there.  If they do not come to Brandon's birthday party I am done! They do not come to anything that we invite them to.  I will not keep them from Brandon and Zachary, but I do not have to keep going there to see them and going out of my way to make sure that they know what is going on with me nor the kids all of the time, even though I never hear back from them.  But I will no longer be going up there, and I will no longer be giving them updates..  They will just get pictures of the kids once a year and they will get a Christmas card every year other then that, if they want to see the kids they will have to come here.  I thought to myself that maybe now that my half sister is graduated and she will be going to collage and be living away from home, that maybe things would get better and he would be able to give more time to me, but I think that I was totally kidding myself.  What a fool to think that.  But I am not going to let myself get hurt anymore, and I am not going to let  my kids get hurt either....  

Thanks for reading this.  Sorry that it is so long, but I just had to get it off of my chest..  It really was a bug weight on me... 


Add A Comment


Jun. 2, 2008 at 2:34 PM I'm sorry you had to go through all that. These are the things that make us stronger. My mom was 20 when she had me, she was married to my father, he was not a nice man. He wanted a boy, and I have never even met him. He hurt my mom physically and she left him for fear he might hurt me. And that was that. I was fortunate enough that my step-father is great, though I still also feel out of place sometimes. Good luck. remember just hold your head high and love your kids the way you always wanted to be.

Message Friend Invite

Jun. 2, 2008 at 4:44 PM Ohh girl I understand what your going thru, my father is practically the same way, he does not care about anybody but himself. I will be surprised if he even calls to say happy birthday to his only grandchild, His stepdaughter has two kids and he treats them better then he does his own daughter.  you doing the right thing by not trying anymore with you father, Both parties need to try in order it make progress but your father does not want to try so why waist your time.  I gave up on my father for a while and he is just starting to come around and wanting to see his daughter and grandson but yet every-time he make a promise to come over and visit he cancels and if he does make it he's drunk,  so I know how you feel and I know it hurts alot but the best thing that we can do is move on and live our life's, Don't let them hurt us, in time all we can hope for is that will realize all that they have missed and try to be a family again

Message Friend Invite

Jun. 2, 2008 at 8:49 PM

Im sorry you are going through this. My mom was living in the house with us, but she wasnt really there, unless it was convenient for her. Infact she still isnt there for us. She tries to put blame on me now, saying I am keeping her from her grandbaby, but she knows how to drive and to come see me, she only wants me to come see her and as of this weekend she is in Minnetonka-Im not making drives down there if she doesnt want to come up here at times.

You are doing the right thing. If he wants to see you he will make an attempt to come. Like I was once told, would you rather have a parent in your life that isnt there and brings you down or just go without. I had to take that to heart and let my mom decide when she was ready to make an attempt to mend things with me. It was hard to do, but she eventually gave in and decided to at least call once in awhile.

 I hope things get better with him and you can start working on your relationship.

Message Friend Invite

Jun. 3, 2008 at 11:18 PM Sorry about your troubles.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers.  Hugs!

Message Friend Invite

Jun. 10, 2008 at 1:26 PM Good for you!  I'm sorry that you keep getting hurt over & over again by your Sperm Donor.  I call him that because as hard as it is for children to understand some men are just that & don't want to be fathers or fathers at the time they are to become one.  It's true that children are innocent & don't ask to be born and shouldn't be punished but for some men they just don't have that emotional attachment.  As an adult I think it's important that you focus on your children & husband and not on the past.  If your Sperm Donor wants a relationship with you then he needs to initiate and be the one to make all the efforts, including coming to you & not the other way around. I think if you continue to do what you've been doing you're going to be hurt & set yourself up for continuous downfalls.

Message Friend Invite

Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?

Sign up for CafeMom!

Already a member? Click here to log in