As a single mom who is having issues with the baby's daddy there are certain things you kind of prepare yourself for. My baby's daddy has a knack for knowing exactly the things to say to really take my breath away. When I found out I was pregnant, I told him right away. I also said, "If you don't want to have to deal with this, know that I will be able to take care of her and everything will be ok."

His first thoughts of course were about his music. (I got that one right.) He was pacing around the room and running through stuff in his head. He almost asked me if it was his but he choked on those words because he knows better than to accuse me of that. (Which was something I thought he might say too.) But then he said the one thing I wasn't ready for . . . "well I guess you got what you wanted." I couldn't believe it. Yes I wanted to have a baby, yes I wanted to have one before I turned 30 (that's this year). But I didn't think with the way things were going that was actually going to happen. It hurt for him to insinuate that I had tricked him into something. I told him I had to go off birth control under doctors orders, I told him what our options were. I told him I wouldn't be upset if I ended up pregnant so it was up to him at that point. He did nothing about it. One month later a pee, a plus, and tons of hormones and he hit me with, "you got what you wanted." If ever there was a day I was really ready to hurt someone it was that day. I can't tell you how tempted I was to tell him it wasn't his. (which would have been a lie but then he would go away.)

Three months into the pregnancy I caught him riding around with the girl he'd cheated on me with for almost a year and a half. I had told him that I wasn't going to be ok with her being a part of our lives like he had suggested would be a good idea. I told him it was me or her. When he got in her car that day (and however many times before that day that I didn't know about) he chose her. I yelled like I have never yelled before. I told him he needed to leave and I couldn't believe he'd be doing that to me knowing I was pregnant with his child. I told him his exploits were putting our daughters life in danger and that may not mean anything to him but it did to me so he had to be gone by the time I got home. And he was, or roughly 20 minutes there after when his brother came to get him. I didn't look at him, I didn't talk to him. Just let him walk away.

I told him I didn't have the money or the energy to take care of him anymore so he'd have to work it out on his own. Since then he hasn't been able to keep a job with steady pay, he hasn't eaten regularly, and he has been drinking like a fish. (It's where his money goes if he isn't buying clothes.) For the next six months he kept swearing that he was going to help with the baby but we didn't need to worry about anything right then because he was going to take care of it. I, good naturedly, said, "Ok". And then continued to prepare for the baby. He did buy her a crib but that's been about it for what money he's been able to come up with. He did pay most of his half of the hospital bill co-pay. After all this is his child, half of the genes are his work so half the bill is his too.

I called him when I went in to have the baby and he was there in less than 20 minutes. I really wanted my mom in the room when they took me in for the c-section but I also wanted him to have the opportunity to be there to see his baby born. He stayed with me while I was in surgery. He stayed the night the first night. Then nothing but a phone call the next day. Then nothing till I got home with the baby. I sincerely needed him around for the first time in our relationship but he wasn't there. He came by the second day I was home with the baby then he didn't stop by much while my mom was there the first two weeks (they don't get along). Since then he hasn't been by much in the last three weeks but a week ago sunday he comes by and tells me that he has spent quite a bit of time drinking and thinking about things. He says that he has decided that if things can't get worked out between he and I that he doesn't want the baby to call any other man "Daddy". I told him that wouldn't be his choice it would be hers. He said that if I moved on he would take me to court and fight me for custody of her. I showed an amazing amount of restraint. He is crazy if he thinks any judge is going to give him custody over me.

If the two of us had to fight it out in court he'd be lucky to get supervised visitation. He forgets that I know way too much about him. Beyond the pot smoking, the cigarette smoking, not having a stable home to live in, not having any transportation, the drinking, the slough of friends who are drug dealers, his only income coming from selling his cd for $5 a pop and the fact that he would have to get on welfare just to take care of her. Versus me who has been working on a financial plan to make is so I can afford to feed, clothe, diaper, take her for check ups, daycare, I have a house, I have two vehicles, I don't used drugs, I have never been able to drink excessively, I don't smoke. I am the breadwinner anyway so there is plenty of money for me to take care of her properly. Let's just put it this way, he'd have to prove that I am a really bad mom and that ain't fixin' to happen. I talked to his mom about some of the things he said and she said if it came to court she would stand with me. Now if that doesn't clue you in to needing a change in life when you mom backs the competition-there's something wrong.

I prefer to keep things out of court, where he isn't ordered to give me half of his paycheck and told that he can only see his baby with a court appointed advocate present. I don't want it to have to get to the point where a judge tells him in order to see her more often he will have to do the exact same things that I have asked him to do. I told him I needed a partner, I told him he needed to be able to carry his weight in my house hold. He told me he had no interest in doing that. So I decided to go forward with what ever plans I had to increase my ability to provide for my child with out him or his input. I told him that he is welcome to come and see her any time he wants to and that what ever money he provides for her, will be for her only. He keeps asking me what she needs. I am kind when I stop short of saying to him, "I am taking care of her, she doesn't need anything." I am however saving this one up for when he really pisses me off and says what does she need. I am going to say, "She needs a father to be in her life everyday." I am saving it because I know that will hurt as much as the next thing he said to me that hurt more than anything he has ever said. He said that he would do something and he wasn't going to say what to keep from sounding completely crazy. Only two things come to mind at that point either he would try to hurt me to take her or just kidnap her.

All I have to say is two things (that I didn't say out loud) he'd have to kill me because I am not letting anyone just walk off with my baby. Number two if it comes to that I will disappear with her. And it won't be considered kidnapping because he never signed the birth certificate. I told him to, he just didn't do it. Legally he has no leg to stand on. He has no idea how easy that is for me to do. I have moved all my life and I can pack everything I need to take with us in less than a day. I can be established in a new city with a new job in less than a week. He'd be best not to mess with me. He doesn't give me credit for being smart, but a smart person lets him dig his own holes while keeping her head above water.

For now though, everything is kosher. It will be when I wean her that problems will start so I am doing everything I can to up my milk production so that I don't have to put her on formula while I am working. Five weeks old is a dangerous time to be in the middle of a fight between mommy and daddy.

Always, always pray for the babies who are in situations like these. Pray for protection and that God's wisdom will prevail.

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Jun. 2, 2008 at 3:48 PM I'm sorry you are doing this alone, I have admiration for women who do, I don't think I could keep my head above water.  Keep doing what you are doing, mommas, sounds like you have things under control, stay safe!

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Jun. 2, 2008 at 3:53 PM You sound like a pretty strong gal.. Glad to hear you are stable

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Jun. 2, 2008 at 4:25 PM awww.....mama. im sorry you're in such a shitty sounds like you've really got your act together i always say...."keep your head up beautiful, cause others would kill to see you fall"

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