I need to take a minute to vent. It has been almost 3 months now since I found out the baby was gone. And it seems that I am the only one who has not "forgotten" about it. As you know, my SIL is due the same day I was, October 13. She is now 21weeks(today), and is expecting a baby girl. I am very happy for her! We are pretty close and I have been able to talk to her about my feelings. For the most part, I am ok when I'm around her. But every once in awhile I will have a minor setback. The day she told found out what she was having was really hard. I kept thinking, "That should be me too!". I know that if I am not pregnant again by the time she has her baby shower, then I have no idea how I am going to handle it.

    Right now, I am stuck in the two week wait. Or actually it is now the two and a half week wait. My period is now 4 days late, I am 18dpo and my temps are still high. Looks promising, right? Well, I took a test on Saturday and got a BFN. I'm not really surprised though as I usually have to be about one week late before I get a BFP, so I am still waiting. At this point I would rather see AF show up than another BFN. I will wait until Friday and then if AF still isn't here, I will test again. I am too scared to even temp anymore as I am terrified of the dissapointment when my temps drop. So, we'll see.  I am trying to stay optimistic, but don't want to get my hopes up.

    Now, the reason I even starting writing this was because my MIL is making me crazy! She seems to have forgotten that I WAS pregnant and that my SIL and I were due the same EXACT day and that I LOST  the baby while she is STILL pregnant!  Lately she has been talking so much about their baby to me and it is pissing me off. Of course, she is not the kind of person that I can just say something too. So instead I just try to suck it up. I wish my husband would just get the hint and say something to her. The other day we over at their house for a bbq. She was all excited and wanted to show me something. She proceeded to show me the blankets she is making for the new babies that are coming (my other SIL's friend is pregnant too) and she was showing me all the clothes she has bought for my SIL's baby.  The blanket she is making for my SIL's friend is for a boy and has trains on it. She kept saying "When you have a boy, this will be perfect...if you ever have one". Because my husband works on train.  I couldn't believe she said that!!! I just wanted to slap her in her face! And I am NOT a violent person. It was so hurtful. I don't expect anyone to walk on eggshells when I am around. But I would appreciate a little sensitivity. I mean, she acted so upset when I had the m/c, but now acts like it never happened. Instead, I feel like I am the only one who remembers my baby. It makes me so sad.

    I am sure I am feeling over emotional about everything since I am still stuck in the waiting period. I have been wanting another baby for so long, and when I finally got pregnant....it gets taken away from me way too soon. And instead, I have to watch everyone else's pregnancies progress and bellies get bigger, while mine remains empty. I just hope I am pregnant again(and can stay pregnant) by the time my SIL has her baby. Otherwise, I don't know how I am going to get through it.

I saw this, and thought it was so true:

 An Ugly Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had a different pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad, that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad  they are my shoes and not theirs. 

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make then uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes for so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~Author Unknown~ 


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Jun. 2, 2008 at 4:56 PM

gosh, my heart truly goes out to you mama. I have never lost a child before so I can't say that I know how you feel, but I can tell you that I understand about the whole MIL thing. I had a partial hysterectomy about 2 yrs. ago for medical reasons, and I can no longer have children. Well that was a very hard and painful time for me because I love kids and I love being prego. I have 3 girls and I so desperately want a boy! Well, my MIL makes comments sometimes like, " too bad you can't have any more kids." (not in a loving way either!) And my SIL is prego right now with twin boys! I am so happy for her of course, but sad at the same time. Hang in there mama, and I will keep you in my prayers...

if you need to chat let me know...

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Jun. 2, 2008 at 5:06 PM Wow. I'm sorry that the people around you are'nt more of a support system.  I think so many people just don't know how to handle a situation like this.  From my experience, they are either awkward and uncomfortable around you, with those sympathetic looks and coments, or it seems that they totally move on and forget. I know that each persons stuggle is different but just remember that there are those of us who understand the pain you feel and the healing journey you are on.  In some small way I hope that my prayers and faith will help strengthen you!

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 8:44 AM

I'm so sorry that your MIL is acting that way.  I know how you feel.  I keep hearing each day that I'll have another one, I'm still young, it wasn't meant to be .... all the things a woman who has lost a child should never have to hear.  I want to scream at people that I wanted that baby, not another one and just because I can have more kids in the future doesn't make it any better.  Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that remembers that my baby lived in the first place.  No one should have to go through these things, but sometimes it's the darkest places in our lives that make us the stronger women that we are.

I'm keeping you in my prayers and sending you lots and lots of sticky dust!

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 9:29 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through all of that.  I'm having similar problems myself.  It's like nobody even remembers what I've been through in the past few months.  Everyone keeps telling me "it's time to try again" or asking if I'm pregnant yet.  As if I would even tell them this early if I was.  All we can do is try to tune that stuff out.  A woman who has never lost a child will never understand what we're going through.  I believe that most people have good intentions to say the right thing, but they don't know how because they don't understand.

You are such a strong woman, and I know you will get through this.  I've been praying for you to get your BFP soon!  It seems like this might be your month!  :)  Try to stay positive!

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