Well, I just wanted eveyrone to know that I am ok!  But I won't be around cafemom for awhile.  I'm going into a shelter for battered women.  Its wierd, because I stil don't feel "battered" but they keep pointing at my buises to say, I'm in serious denial. 

Right now I'm at my sister Rachel's apartment.  She unfortuneately has no room for me here, otherwise she would take me in.  My mom DOES have room but she's being unbelieveable about the whole thing.  Last night she got completely drunk and came home to yell in my face about the blog I wrote here, which was the same as the one I had on myspace.  She said I needed to stop "airing out my dirty laundry".  The situation is, if I didn't tell anyone, I WOULD go back, and I KNOW that I cannot do that to myself or Astrid.  She was saying, thats Astrid's FATHER, my HUSBAND and she started listing his good qualities, something that I know someone shouldn't do to me right now.  His good qualities is what got me through the arguments, yelling, and abuse in the first place.  Oh, and she wanted to yell about how I allowed this to happen, why didn't I tell anyone?  I knew she would be like this which is why I didn't tell anyone, but I have, and the ball is rolling.  I couldn't believe my drunk mother though.  The counselors at the independent house told me that I really had to get out of there.  I hope I'm going to an okay place.  I'm scared and worried but I NEED to do this.  I refuse to be dependent on him anymore. 

Unfortuneately and probably the worse decision ever, is that I called James.  Ugh.  I did it because my number is being changed tomorrow and I wanted him to know Astrid was ok.  I didn't really say much after that, he just talked and talked about how sorry he was.  He kept wanting to know if I was going to get back together with him, I said, I couldn't answer that now.  He kept drilling me, and I told him I was filing for divorce.  Then he hung up.  Its all the same as the last nine years, he just cries about how sorry he is, he wants me back, and he'll just die without me.  The whole suicide thing, I just don't buy anymore.  It was irritating to me because he was like, if you don't come back, whats the point of me getting help.  I said, oh gee I dunno, ASTRID!!  I said, stop worrying about me, worry about yourself and get help for Astrid because she needs you.  He says she does not.  Bla bla bla. The guilt thing is not working, if he doesn't want to get better for her, then he definitely won't for me.

 Anyway, thanks for everyone's support!!  I did read my messages, I just didn't have time to reply to everyone's individually.  I'll be in some counseling, hopefully I can get back to school and I can't wait for that, this whole experience and realization, is going to make me a better person, and hopefully a great Social Worker, because that is my goal!!  I'm trying to stay positive. 

Love xoxo!!!       

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Comments:

gusti...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 12:01 AM stay postive and they will help you get aplace to live

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South...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 12:01 AM Best wishes to a new begining and a new you. ((Hugs))

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jdl0812
Jun. 3, 2008 at 12:02 AM Dude, if you need me Im here. You have my number!

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rettak
Jun. 3, 2008 at 12:03 AM good luck and stay atrong.  Congratulations on being strong enough to do what's right for you and astrid!!

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zombi...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 12:05 AM keep positive, ignore your drunk mother, go with the social workers and remember we all love you and miss you.  take care of yourself and astrid.  *hugs*

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takes...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 12:06 AM Good luck - stay strong - you are doing the right thing!!! Prayers from Oregon for you!!!

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lilmo...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 12:09 AM

Hey! Im so sorry your mom is doing that to you. Shes wrong, all the positive traits he may have once had should not matter anymore because thats obviously not who he is now. If he had all of these positive things about him he would have never abused you... physically, mentally or emotionally. Good men dont do that. I hope you are able to get the cousoling that you need, it will work wonders to be able to get all that you have buried deep inside you out of your system. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, things will get better... you will be happier and most importantly Astrid will grow up in an abuse free invironment. 

I hope to talk to you soon! Keep your head up beautiful :)  

Love ya!  

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gcgmama
Jun. 3, 2008 at 12:10 AM

I have been through a similar situation. Stayed in the shelter for almost a year. Most people don't need that long, but I had to make it through a pregnancy and my own broken spirit. I still love my husband but I have braved a six year fight to recognize that my love for him and his lack of love or respect for me do not equal anything worth trying to reconcile. I learned a lot from the shelter and they worked with me to help me get back on my feet. Maybe I don't know you, but no one deserves to be treated like crap (sorry about the language) I wish you the best. The best advice I can give is "Take Care Of You"

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Lb128f
Jun. 3, 2008 at 12:27 AM I am sorry your Mom isn't helpful to you in this situation. :( But, you sound like you have some great ideas and good plan on ridding yourself of "him"....I hope you will stay strong and do what is right for you and your child. Good Luck!!

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Nymphaea
Jun. 3, 2008 at 1:53 AM I love you, Hunny!!!
Mothers....you know my opinion.....
Keep your head up, you sound like you are doing great!
I know it's scary but think of what you get to say to your daughter one day: "I was woman enough to leave." Being a good role model always makes me feel better!
I don't know when you will be on here again but please keep us posted. We all love you and we'll miss you. I hope you don't leave our group. No matter what we still like chatting with you!
You're beautiful, you're tough, you're SUPERMOM!!!!

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