My nights are usually pretty lonesome. Even when DH is here, he's either sleeping or wound up in some game of his. I don't blame him as he manages to juggle two jobs and still find time for his family, so I guess he's entitled to his "me" time. The problem with being lonesome is that you're never really alone. You're left to your own thoughts. To those ideas that usually remain silent while the rest of your daily hub bub is occupying your mind.

Tonights demon takes the form of doubt.

Did I do the right thing? Was it selfish of me to love my DH?

We were young (and yes, still are) when we started dating. He was just starting college and had alot to look forward to. He could have gone anywhere. He could have had a fancy car and every game for all of his systems that his little heart desired. Instead, he chose to love me. Was I selfish for loving him back? Should I have just stepped aside and let him BE young? I never forced him or pressured him to date or marry me. Heck, I tried to talk him out of it. But he kept on. My father in law once told me that he sat Dave down a long time ago and told him that he wanted the best for him. That the last thing he wanted to see was him working two jobs to support a little family, like he had to do. I laughed and told him "aaaaaaaannnddd then, I came along." He laughed too, but I felt the sting somewhere deep down. I know he didn't mean it to hurt me, my inlaws are extremely supportive of us. They had their reservations when we first got together, but that was understandable.

I told DH one time that I felt like I had robbed him of a normal life. He kissed me and told me that I hadn't robbed him of anything and that infact, I'd given him a life. Two, almost three, to be exact. It helped, but that little demon still sits and waits for the quiet time of my heart.

Just when I think I've conquered this issue, the demon flips. There's another side of the doubt. Did I do the right thing? Did I marry the right  man? What the heck am I thinking!?!? I'm barely 21 with a husband and soon to be three kids!!?!?! Shouldn't I be in college? Shouldn't I be partying? And just when I think my head is about to explode, somthing happens.

The sun comes up, and I realize what the demon had been hiding from me. I see it now though.

It's my husband with his messy hair and AWFUL morning breath.
It's my oldest with her demand for her Ariel panties, she'll accept nothing less.
My youngest trying to gnaw my knuckle off with her pre-teething antics.
The unborn life in me urging me to get up and pee before someone makes me laugh.
It's my husband telling me I'm beautiful. Morning breath, sagging boobs, stretch marks, half frizzed hair and all.
My oldest telling me "I luff you mommy very much too!!"
My youngest still gnawing on my knuckle.

And who wouldn't fall in love all over again?

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Jun. 4, 2008 at 1:13 PM

Give that demon voice the boot ....say out loud "go away!"  You will be having sweet dreams in no time.   Take care!

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