Well it's official, Devyn's dad left last Wednesday. He now has 1 kid in Utah, one in Virginia, and he lives in Ohio. You know what sucks is I'm really sad, hurt, pissed, happy, all at the same time. I'm really sad #1 for Devyn, he truly isn't going to have a father until I get married and that's IF someone worthwhile comes along that even wants to marry me. I'm also hurting because more than likely I will NEVER see him again. I loved that man with my heart and soul, I had his child, he gave me a piece of him and for that a part of me will always love him, no matter how much I hate and despise him for leaving. I mean what kind of father does that?? Who could leave their child in another state?? How can he say he loves him when he just leaves him for a job thats obviously so much more important?? I really just don't understand because I can't live without him even overnight, let alone in another state.

 I honestly don't think that he will come back to Utah to see his son. While he lived here he saw Devyn maybe once every 2-3 weeks and when he did come to see him he would hold him for about 20-30 minutes and leave. He obviously wasn't a priority to him. To him being a father meant bringing diapers and bottle liners every 2 weeks and seeing him for 30 mins at the most. Honestly that isn't, he doesn't even know him! He thinks that I'm going to send him up there when he gets older but I've got news for him! Why the hell would I send a kid to see someone he doesn't even know, he would be scared shitless!! So I honestly think Devyn probably won't see him again until he is old enough to make that decision to know his real dad on his own.

I know I can be the mommy and the daddy, I have enough love in my heart to love him for both of us. It just sucks because he won't have that picture perfect life of playing catch with daddy, learning how to be just like him. I'm a girl and I don't know half of the things a man can teach his son. It scares me to death! This is never what I wanted for my life or my childs life I never want him to know what struggling feels like. I want only the best for him, I want him to have the life I never got to have. I will give him everything in my power but it's still nothing compared to having a mom and a dad. I know this first hand because I grew up without a dad. It's different for girls though being raised by just mom.

 My friends try to comfort me and say well look at it this way, at least you can raise him the way YOU want to, and YOU only. And yeah I could look at it that way but it's so hard to do it on my own. But one thing I do know is he WILL respect women. He will not treat women the way his father treated me. And at least he isn't around to teach him that women are bitches and ho's. That is the only reason I'm happy he's gone.

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 3:08 AM I know we dont know eachother and I hope it doesnt bother you that I have left a comment on your post, but I just wanted to say that I watched a lot of my friends go through pretty much the same thing and I hated seeing them so hurt, confused and pissed off because of a stupid man doing stupid shit that later on in life he would most likely regret...I hated the fact that there wasnt much I could do to comfort them. All I can say is that you are better off without him...If he is willing to leave you and your son...his son..for a job...then he is not worth having around in the first place. FAMILY COMES FIRST and he should know that. Shame on him for doing this to you and I wish you the best of luck raising him on your own hunnie!! I know you can do it just like my friends did..and there are plus sides to it...like you said you will raise him to respect women...and no one will be able to teach him different...he is YOUR son and you will raise him to be the best he can be. There is nothing like a mothers love...besides all litte boys are mommas boys lol.  You can do this...take care!!

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Jun. 23, 2008 at 5:51 AM

Just realize how blessed you still are....  You still have a child to hold and love....  Cherish that, some aren't so lucky....

Good luck and many blessings to you and your little one... 

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Jun. 24, 2008 at 8:35 PM Sweetie, he can have that picture perfect life.  He already does, you give it to him everyday!  That picture may be held by a different frame, but nobody says that one is better than the other!  Best Wishes to you both! 

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Jul. 3, 2008 at 11:10 AM It sounds like you're going through a lot that my mom went through...I think to the day she died, my dad was the love of her life, despite him leaving us and for why he did. My mom's been gone over 15 years now, and I tell you what---her love STILL envelopes me TO THIS DAY. The patience, the love, the devotion--the fact that she appreciated that I was her miracle---never a day went by she didn't let me know---and I have NO DOUBT that you will be the same for Devyn! This world will have one more gentleman because of your upbringing of this little, beautiful MIRACULOUS soul.....big hugs mama=) =) 

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