all day today I have been on fire with pain and just can't seem to quiet the thoughts in my head.  In one moment I just want to run away from my husband and kids and just crawl in a whole and the next I want to go give them a hug and encourage them in all that I can.  I am so screwed up in my thoughts.

I did get a few answers in a angel reading I had done in one of my groups I joined and basically saysI have to go do things  that are not in the norm and really have to see what I can do for the money problem .  I am a ostrich when it comes to money I just want to stick my head in the sand and wait until it blows.  I am not a shopper and want very little. but  we are living on my husband minimum wage job and he has a 251.00 a month child support payment.  That just kills us but he loves his son and we have him every weekend and most summer and holidays anymore.  Anyway the money is not the big problem it seems one of the triggers in a chaotic life.  I am praying more than I ever had and find myself leaning more and more to spirituality to find the answers.  I feel like someone is proding me to get going with life and then it feels like someone says why it is just going to fail agian like always.  You know what the wierd part is that I am a very encouraging and loving person when  someone needs me for thier problems but I am a ball of chaos in my own life.  Why is that I have not understood that.

I keep thinking about all the jobs I have had outside the home and how I always got complimented on how I make it so easy for people to work around me and have had about 10 people say I was the only reason they stayed with the job, was to work with me or come see me.  Now I don't see that in myself the way they do.  It feels good to get complimented.  But on the inside I am a great big walking contradiction.  I have been to a councilor and psychologist and just can't get a grip on what it is that keeps me this way the meds were of no help at all.  sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking and just do something but what? 


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