Yeah, I'm feeling really depressed today. I don't know what it is that is setting me off, maybe it's the beginning of (another) month. Soon it will be the 15th, 19 months of trying...it's draining. I've looked into adoption, domestically and internationally, but given Chris's history of being bipolar (though he hasn't had a single episode in more then three years) it looks grim. I've tried so hard not to cry today. I just....I don't understand what makes me such a horrible person that I can't have a child. I mean I see so many people that don't care about their children at ALL, but yet are allowed to have as many as humanly possible, how is that fair at all? I try to focus on other things, but that doesn't last more then a couple of hours, having a child constantly consumes my thoughts. The questions are starting too, about when are we going to have children. I can't take it, I have to dimiss myself sometimes. Chris tries to "fix" it, but even though he tries, he just doesn't understand, he doesn't understand the pain I feel, and although he doesn't talk about it anymore, I know he despartely wants a child and I feel so bad because it seems like I can't give him one, I know he won't leave me but it makes me feel so bad because he is a great husband and I know he and I both would make great parents. I feel so horrible today, like everyday, a little hope died.

 

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Dani32
Jun. 3, 2008 at 6:32 AM

I tried for over a year before I got pg with my first. I, finally, gave up and stopped counting days and guess what..within a few months I was pg.  I had made my mind up that I would never have a child and poof it happened.

As far as your husband having bipolar, did his Dr. document it.  Some dont because they don't want to "flag" the person (so they could get reasonable health or life ins).

 

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Aniyu...
Jun. 4, 2008 at 10:38 AM Thanks Dani, no one (except people who have actually tried for a period of time) understands, I have tried the whole giving up thing (it only lasts for a little while lol). His doctor did document it, so he is marked by it, even though he was "diagnosed" with being bipolar, he doesn't even have any symptoms anymore and has been off his medication and therapy for over three years (didn't have any epsiodes after he was off, go figure). He has also been diagnosed with having borderline personality disorder. Thanks for understanding.

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