What else is there to it. Oh yeah, my heart is completely shattered by the one I love the most. Things have been rocky the past couple months. There has been A LOT going on. I've been thinking I want to move back to Omaha to go to nursing school. So Jacob & I talked about it and agreed that it wouldn't be as bad as we thought. I'd visit when I could & he would when he could,. we both have phones so it wouldn't be 3 years straight of not seeing each other. It'd be more like 4-6 weeks at a time. I was shocked at how easy he made it seem. He made it easy, I'd go to school then move up here get a great job, we could get a house, get married & have more babies.

Then WHAM out of no where he tells me that he met a girl at the lake & I found out by going through his phone that he hung out with her saturday... and sunday... and last night... I FREAKED OUT!!! I thought things were fine...

 He claims that he "called things off" a month ago... we got in an argument, he stormed out & said it was over. Then came back, we made up & didn't talk about it after that. Things were normal since then, we've gone out with friends, we had sex almost daily, talked all the time, talked about wedding stuff, planned things for this summer and then this... I'd call it cheating on me. Well he didn't kiss her or anything but still. He was out until 7am one night!

There's a lot more to it but it's just ugly. Now what? We're in this lease together until the end of July. He just flat out told me he was seeing another girl. He doesn't care what I have to say about the issue and doesn't want to work on things. Just wants to be free to come and go without having to tell me where he's going or when he'll be back. He said things with us got serious fast and now he just wants to be a 20 year old guy, exploring his options.

I haven't slept in 4 days straight, haven't eaten in 3. I've been throwing up/dry heavin' for days. My stomach is constantly churning & I've been munching tums like candy. I'm a complete disaster. How can he do this to me after EVERYTHING we've been through?!? To ME! I'm not just some random bimbo, I'm his fiance, his best friend, the mother of his babies...

I'm so sick of shitty things happening in my life, things that I have no control over. No say in. I didn't get to choose if my daughter Natalie stayed on earth with us, I didn't get to choose to lose Claire our second daughter, and now I didn't get a choice in this either. He's moving on, leaving me in the dust and breaking my heart in ways I didn't know was possible....

My whole body aches for him & he's ignored me completely. We sleep in the same bed, I hold him like I always did, he'll hug me goodnight but hasn't said "I love in a week" and won't kiss me. But will let me kiss him on the cheek... He's been the only stable thing in my life throughout everything and now he doesn't want me anymore. I need him in my life, I need him to hold me up, to comfort me, to make it all better but he doesn't want to....

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 7:56 AM

Ok here the thing I know love hurts. But your a better person then this, sounds like to me your letting him have control over your life? darling there are other fish in the Sea! Sounds like he has moved on and left you in the dust so why not do the same to him and show him you dont need no man to rely on ! show him your able to move on and make a better life for you and your children ! Don't be male dependent, get up hold yoour head up and show him you can do better! Granted tyou know either way he will always be part of your life cause iof the children but that dont mean you have to be un happy as well!

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 8:17 AM

I'm sorry that you are going through all this.  Could he just be having a hard time with everything that you both have had to deal with?  You said he's only 20...losing two babies would be horrible for anyone, but to have it happen when you're both so young.  Maybe he just feels like he needs a break, to think, to focus, to just get away from it all.  Guys do things so much differently than girls..

I'll keep you guys in my thoughts and I hope that everything works out for you.


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Jun. 3, 2008 at 11:04 AM

aww honey I am so sad to read this. You two have been through so much together. You deserve so much better than what he is giving you right now. No words will make it better so I'm not going to try but just know that I am thinking of you and wishing for the best. Hopefully he will realize how special you are and you two can continue to plan your wedding and have the family you've always dreamed of. I'm thinking of you and hoping things will get better for you.


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Jun. 3, 2008 at 11:17 AM

I am so sorry my dear. Nobody deserves that.  You are a great person and a real man is out there who will treat you the way you should be and be a great father when you have babies!  You have a bright future.

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 11:24 PM

oh, honey. i am so sorry. i don't even know what to say. i think  maybe he's having a "midlife" ( at 20) crisis.....maybe he is distancing himself from all the pain you guys have been through. sometimes men don't know how to react emotionally to deal with a situation that is uncomfortable, so they react by completely distancing themselves and becoming emotionally unavailable. i can almost guarantee you he doesn't care about this other girl....she is a distraction from his reality. i know it doesn't make sense, and it doesn't make it any easier, and i wish i could make things better for you. please pm me if you want or need to talk. you're in my thoughts sweetie...


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Jun. 3, 2008 at 11:40 PM i am so sorry  sounds like you need to move on with your life

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Jun. 4, 2008 at 11:19 AM I know what it feels like to be crushed and lost, although cheating is a totally different ball-game. Maybe he is feeling really stressed about losing Natalie, and thinks he shouldn't have this much stress so young....I've tried to run form my dark reality by thinking I should go out and party, end my marriage or hook up with random people, to feel fresh again, but no matter what, that grief will haunt you, and no, ending a marriage, or serious relationship to try and change things up so they are different is not that answer, for Jacob...He needs to realize that he is so lucky to have already met the girl of his dreams at such a young age...no other girl is going to be as strong as you have been, but al the moms who have lost babies, their mariages and relationship all seem to fall apart as well as ours are..I think it's not a coincidence, I think the grief of losing a child stems alot of it. Cheating is horrible, and i'm so sorry you are dealing with another huge heartbreak in your life. Stand your ground, let him know that CHEATING is NOT acceptable..and if you feel it's time to move on, then it is. You are strong and can do anything.

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Jun. 6, 2008 at 12:22 PM

Aww sweetie I feel so sad for you, but sorry for him for loosing such a good girl like you. I agree with all these ladies, unfourtunately men take grief very different from us and it may just be a way of him thinking that maybe another relationship is going to help him become the same man he used to be, without realizing that loosing our angels change all of us. We never turn out to be the same person we used to be, but grow into a new person and try to go on with life.  He probably doesn't love this girl and is just using her as a way to try to find his oldself again, when he won't. 

Like the poem goes, " If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it does not it was never meant to be".  Maybe all he needs it's a little time to realize that he had a good girl, so why the heck go looking somewhere else.  Men don't realize how bad women are getting out there, and when he see's it for himself he will regret the day he said he wanted to be with someone else and by then you may have moved on. 

I wish you luck sweetie and hang in there, I know that there are days where you feel like if you are just going to go crazy because what you consider you life is crumbling in front of you, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And unfourtunately we go through tough tests in our life in which we have to stay strong.  I will have you in my prayers, if you ever need to talk I am here :)



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