well its all come to a head and quite possible the beginning of the end.

Im so hurt that I am just numb right now. Everything I love is in shambles. My husband told me yesterday that he loves me and cares about me, BUT he is not attracted to me or IN LOVE with me. He says that he doesnt know if it will change, a lot of it is stress from work, and then when he is home and we fight and that makes him want to walk away.

I really dont know what to do. I fear the end is starting, and my biggest fear of being a single mom is about to happen. Im lost. I feel so empty, so betrayed. It hasnt even been 6 months since we got married. I dont know what happened. He said he went on a underway for a month (navy) and just didnt miss me. He says he feels like everything is falling in on him and nothing is going right.

I feel like he is giving up too easily, like he just wants to run away. I feel like he is just trying to hide from his problems, the grass is always greener on the other side.

He goes underway in 2 days, for 2 weeks. In the time I am going to set up the extra room and start living in there. He doesnt want me to leave yet, and financially I cant leave yet, we have a house that neither of us can afford on our own, and I need to finish school before I can move. My job is paying my tuition, so I cant just quit my job and go.

Im hopping if I give him space he will come around, if not I would like to try counseling, but I dont know if he will do it. I just want us to be a happy family, I want to fix everything, but I dont know how.

Any feed back or experiences you could share would be greatly appretiated. I love my husband and I am not willing to give up that easy.



If you could vote this popular so eventually someone reading will be able to relate I would be greatful.

Thank you

Add A Comment


Jun. 3, 2008 at 10:59 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think the thing your hubby needs to realize is that marriage and committment is about sticking it out, even when you feel like you're not "in love." That's one reason why divorces happen so often. People don't realize it can get better and they don't want to do the work it takes to keep a marriage alive.

As a minister, I STRONGLY suggest that you ask him to go to marriage counseling with you. You will both learn how to communicate with each other in better ways and learn how to speak each other's "languages." First of all, remember that you're a strong woman and you don't need to be afraid of the future, whatever the outcome of this situation. Take it one day at a time. Don't give in to the urge to fight with him or be defensive or "right", even if he's instigating it. Take a deep breath, say, "I need to cool off. I'll discuss this with you later." and walk away.

But if your marriage is the most important thing to you, you have to at least do what YOU can to fight to keep it. Sometimes marriage can be such hard work and telling him that you're willing to do the hard work and put in the time to try again if he will do so as well may help.  If you care about each other and have each other's best interests at heart, you CAN make it work.

Keep your chin up, girl. You will be okay, no matter what happens! 

Message Friend Invite

Jun. 3, 2008 at 11:03 AM I went through this with my (now ex) boyfriend.  He went back to sea duty and went underwya and said he did not miss me... (I later found out he was cheating) but in anyevent... I let him go, let him have his space...you want the greener grass...go for it... but he came running back saying how he was wrong and stupid to let me go, to make such a mistake and we did get back together... we are apart now for different reasons, but in that situation, when I gave him his space, he came to his senses...lol Good Luck PM me and we can talk anytime you want!

Message Friend Invite

Jun. 3, 2008 at 9:55 PM

Thank you to everyone who has read this... and thank you for the advice, to the two who gave it. I really do appretiate it.

Ill update this when I figure out what is going on, for now I am just going to continue to work on me, for me, and hope it works out for the best.

Message Friend Invite (Original Poster)

Jun. 3, 2008 at 11:01 PM I'm sorry. I was going through EXACTLY the same thing (although, my hubby never admitted he didn't love me, but I felt he didn't). A week ago, we were talking divorce (we have only been married since Jan. 16th of this year). We had our baby, it was perfect for a short time, then it went to hell and we fought so much and so bad one of us should have been arrested. We did agree on counseling. It went way different and horrible then we thought. I hated it, but still agreed t go, but now he doesn't think it will work. He left for a while and we agreed not even to talk to each other until we could be okay. So we just decided to finally talk (as appose to yell, scream, curse). It was so aweful when we fought (which was everyday about EVERYTHING!). But we are currently working things out and it is going very well, almost erfect again (not resolved, but much better). So if he needs space, give it to him without talking/texting/comunicating at all with him and see what happens (it will be hard for you, but if thats what it takes) and try counseling if you can get him to agree, but also take into consideration that conseling might backfire. Good luck!

Message Friend Invite

Jun. 4, 2008 at 8:11 AM You need to get some counseling for your own sake. When he is home see if he will go. He could be going through some depression of some sort. Who knows. Even if he doesn't go to counseling with you keep going. It helped me a TON!! ((Hugs)) and I hope everything works out for the best...

Message Friend Invite

Jun. 4, 2008 at 4:27 PM

i'm sorry to hear  what you're going   through.    i''m   in a simmular  position.   i've been married  for almost 5yrs, and i leftt  my  hubby about 2yrs into it because he cheated on me. i  came back after 3months, and we had our   second child together. she'll be 2 in oct. latelly  we   seem to   do nothing but argue, i know that i'll  always love him, but i  also know that i'm not "in  love". and i   believe   whole heartedly  that his feelings match  mine. i hope that you will   be able to work  things out.  but if not then you just need to   do what's best for  you   and  your child.   good luck.

peace luv an bubble  gum,


Message Friend Invite

Jun. 11, 2008 at 10:46 AM

The first year is the hardest....I almost left my husband numerous times during the first year....there is just so much adjusting...He couldn't have lost his being attractive to you in just 6 months...come on....

Anyway, I agree with others who have said to seek counselling...That would be a wise thing to do.  It is ok to reach out for help to save something you love; your marriage... Good luck!

Message Friend Invite

Jul. 9, 2008 at 2:37 PM

OH honey I am so sorry... I am on the other end in my marriage, though- i had to tell Curtis that I didnt think I was in love with him anymore.  I was jut tired of feeling like I was the only one holding things together, and every little tiny thing started annoying me, and we were fighting all the time...
We sat down a month ago and made a plan of action.  A huge problem was him working and me being a SAHM, I felt like we had nothing but kids and bills in common.  Instead, we found something we both like doing- so now once a week we take a new class, go to a new restaurant, or something- even if its with addie.  And we made a list of the top 3 things each one of us would change in our relationship, and it surprised the hell out of me- our top 2 were the same!  So we decided what we could do to fix those things together, then we worked on the third ones.  Mine was lack of romance and connection, and his was sex- they go hand in hand, and we realized we were not connecting at all.  I also flat out told him what I was afraid of- that we were going to spend the rest of our lives being so non-chalant about our relationship- not really in love, but too lazy to get out of the marriage.

I have to tell you-t hings have been sooo much better!  We actively work on our relationship every day, and we wake up and ask ourselves "what can I do to let him/her know I love them?".  Sometimes its somehting as simple as making a good breakfast, and sometimes he knows I need him to take addie so i can take a nap... 

you guys can get through this- I agree with the person above me- the first year is the hardest- so many things have to change, even if you had been living together for years before!  Its a hard adjustment, but it takes time to get through it... you guys just have to rememeber why you fell in love in the first place!

Message Friend Invite

Jul. 9, 2008 at 2:43 PM

DH and I have been married 49 years this month.  It was not always an easy 49 years.  There were times I thought about leaving and I am sure there were times he wanted to throw in the towel.  But here we are 49 years later and glad we made it through.  Get counseling - for yourself, immediately, then ask if he will go.  Hang in there, girl.  You have a lot to fight for.  Don't let anyone push you into leaving.  Take the spare bedroom if you must, but stay.  #1 you NEED that place to live right now and #2 you are close enough to know what's going on and to talk if he is so inclined.  Good luck.

Message Friend Invite

Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?

Sign up for CafeMom!

Already a member? Click here to log in