Keith left early friday morning, which was so hard. I'm having major PPD and now I just cry all the time. i miss him so much. I feel so lost and alone on this, there's only so much he can do over the phone.

 I moved away from him after my first trimester because I needed more help than he could give. So I moved back to Florida to live with my mom. The whole point of this was for help and support. Why am I not getting any? They'll only help with Andrew if I'm going to be in the same room so they can hand him off when they don't want to hold him anymore. My mom will wake him up every two hours and hand him to me to feed him. Our ped (who was actually my ped, this is the first of her "next generation" :)) says if he's asleep, he's asleep. Babies don't go by a clock and he'll wake up when he's hungry. I'm not trying to pass him off on anyone else, but I need a break. I don't get any sleep at night, because my mom keeps waking him up I never get a full meal in because I try to sleep most of the time he's asleep so I keep some sanity.

I'm having a tough time breastfeeding, there's no actual physical problem other than the discomfort. Just as part of my PPD I hate feeding him. It's horrible, but I can't stand it. Keith was just anamazing help with it and now that I don't have that I'm having a really really rough time. So he does get formula when I can't take it anymore because I didn't have a pump before sunday.

 After Keith left (flew out of Tampa) I drove over to Orlando and spent the weekend with my brother and SIL. Erin, SIL, is just amazing. She helped me with breastfeeding, helped me go shopping for a pump, all sorts of things. And then told me I could text her in the middle of the night if I needed help with Andrew and she'd come to the guest room and help me.

 We went to Babies R Us and I spent a ton of money, but I got a breast pump, a swing, and a sling. It's one of the cheap slings thats kinda just like a saddle bag. Because I'm a thin person even on the tightest setting it's not snug to my body, so he hates it. Great. I never have time to pump now because I always have to be with Andrew and when he's awake he wants attention. Since the pump is a 2-handed thing I can't do both.

I got back to my mom's yesterday late morning. I asked for help putting the swing together. My mom and sister said they would...nope. I've managed to get part of it together but I can't do much at a time. I loves the porch swing outside but it's so hot out now. I think things would be easier if I could get this damn swing together but I can't get any help with it or with Andrew so it's just going to sit there.

 On top of all of that while i was in Orlando someone broke into my car (I have manual locks so fucking easy to get into) and stole my mom's GPS (I borrowed it), my ipod (that I just bought myself for my 21st birthday in Feb), and my cell charger. Great. I know how easy it is to break into manual cars because I've next to always had manual locks. I kept a Jimmy in my apartment because I locked my keys in there so often :). I rarely leave anything like that in my car but now I really can't. And now I have to buy my mom another $350-400 GPS system because my insurance doesn't cover belongings.

I'm just sick of not getting any help or support. I was on my stepdad's medical insurance. Since the divorce is final I no longer have health insurance. I had saved a lot of money while I was working but the plan was to have money when I got to Arizona. Not spend it all before I go. Therapists without insurance are ridiculously expensive. And there's nothing really to say. I hate feeding my son, but he gets fed. Whether it's from a bottle or I try to watch a movie or something while feeding him, he gets fed.  sometimes I resent him for everything I had to give up for him. but he's worth it and I'll get another good job and go back to school and things.

The original plan was to stay in Florida until late Fall. Andrew and I are going to visit a week from today for 10 days, so excited. I think we might move more like the beginning of August. If not before. Even with Keith working 4 10 hour days a week I'd get so much more support and help there.

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Comments:

runne...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 10:54 AM

Oh, man. My heart is breaking for you.  I struggled BIG TIME with PPD after my first, so I know how you feel. I'm so sorry you're in this thick of this right now.  You've got to find your legs, get your strength-- the PPD road can be a long one but the thing about it is that it ALWAYS ends.  There is an end in sight but when you're in it even one long, hard day seems impossible, much less weeks and months.

 I think you need to maybe be more assertive in ASKING for help.  Have you had a serious sit-down with mom/sister and told them that you're really concerned about PPD and thet you're considering getting on medication (for some reason the mention of anti-depressants to most people "proves" to them that it's serious and not just "baby blues").  And you should talk to your OB/GYN about getting a prescription.  Just place a phone call-- no cost to you-- and ask for a few months. It helped me immensely and my OB wrote me a script for two months which gave me time to find a therapist and see if the medication really even helped (it did!!).  Anyway, I KNOW it will get better for you. These are just hard times right now and you need to "white knuckle" it through-- but it will pass. If you ever just want to vent you can write me a message.  Good luck --K.C.

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glam0...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 11:46 AM I wish I could help, but I honestly can't say I know how you feel, when I don't! All I can say is I hope things get better for you and soon. I can see it's rough for both you AND Andrew! I will keep you both in my prayers, in the meantime, I hope someone can give you the advice you need!! The above sounds like she knows what she's talking about, I hope it helps!!

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mommy...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 8:01 PM

Talk to your doctor about the PPD. I'm not big on anti-depressants, but they do help. Even if you only need them for a little while. I'm personally on well-buterin. I tried paxil, but didn't have much success with it. The medicine will help even out your mood-swings and things will seem less overwhelming. Just take baby steps. Try not to think about what isn't, and think about what is. If you think to much about what is going to happen, or not going to happen you're going to drive yourself nuts. Trust me, I give good advice, but hardly ever take my own. haha.

As far as the feeding schedule, trust your doctor and explain your wishes to your mom. The baby does not necessarily need fed every two hours. Sometimes Sam would go three-five hours if I let him. Sleep when the baby does sleep and tell your family DO NOT WAKE A WAKING BABY. If your mother doesn't listen, store some pre-pumped milk, which you can pump as much as you need to and freeze and let your mom or sister feed him. That way they don't need to wake you.

Stand your ground. Tell them you need their support. If they say they're going to do something, tell them you need them to follow through otherwise, don't offer. You don't have to be mean about it, but tell them what's going on with you emotionally and that it's not all about Keith. It will get better.

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alici...
Jun. 5, 2008 at 2:28 AM

I will tell you in arizona you can get conceling for ppd for free  they have special programs.

I hope to see you when you come down. If you need any help just ask. I  dont know keith but I think it also  would help to have some one else to share it with and he seems to really want to help you more then your mom and sister.

 I hope you the best If you need to talk just messege me

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alici...
Jun. 5, 2008 at 2:30 AM One more thing Lock the door so your mom cant get in to the baby.

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