Okay well I placed on my thought bubble that I am devastated and well I am.  I was all psyched yesterday to be thinking about buying a house on my own I found one 3 bedroom modular in a nice neighborhood in the town I want to move to to be closer to work and one word destroys it all--all my dreams, hopes, everything....my credit!  I didnt know how bad my credit was but there are 3 judgements against me which is why I cant even get a simple bank loan!  I was devastated!  I dont know where to go how to fix this I want so badly to put roots down in a town not the city and I found the perfect house.  I have been through so much this year and now to have this happen...I called my soon to be ex husband and I am like what the heck do I do and hes like well we will file bankruptcy and I am like Michael, we are going to be divorced and those debts are still going to be there...he doesnt get it, doesnt have a clue he thinks this divorce is going to be the answer to his prayers!  His kids are hating him for it, Matthew hates his girlfriend, I hate the situation I have been put in.  All he wants is for this to end like now.  I am just devastated because I thought this house was what God wanted for me.  I keep hearing Seek Him and He will give you the desires of your heart and well God I have sought you, given you everything and I am worse off now then I was a year ago!  Its just very bad and very frustrating.  I am feeling very alone today and I keep asking myself Lord why didnt I die when I was diagnosed with the cancer?  I so wish it was 4pm and I could go home and cry.  Plus Sarge I havent seen him in over a week and yeah the text messages are nice I just need someone to hug and cry to right now, just to get in Sarge's arms and have him hold me.  Sorry its just been a bad day all around.

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 1:10 PM

I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now.

 I hope you can work something out with the judgements. Have you tried calling them and seeing if you can settle them for less than the full amount?

best of luck!

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 3:13 PM in my prayers

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 4:10 PM I am sorry and you wil be in my prayers!

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 5:31 PM

Sister, holding Sarge isn't your answer or your comfort! He is NOT the desire of your heart! Owning a home is not the desire of your heart....I can read it in your post.....your desire is for ease. Your desire is for "stuff" to be easy. When our desires line up with HIS desires, that's when He overloads on us, dumps His glory onto our crazy world....!!! Does that make sense??? I think, I am reading that you desire pleasure instead of joy. It's the JOY of the Lord that is our strength. We can have joy in the midst of prison!!!! In the midst of turmoil, in the midst of bad reports, in the midst of absent arms to hold us.....JOY is IN us, not around us. Can we honestly praise Him for who He is, not what He does??? He IS looking at your heart.....

What I have learned recently is that when I desire anything...to go someplace, to be with someone, to have a certain thing...to have a sense of relief from what ever I am in the middle of....my heart is not lined up with Him. When I find myself thinking things like, if I could just talk to so and so for a while..she would understand...God is sitting there going....HELLO!!! You don't need her, you need ME!!!! The Word tells me that my food is to do His will!!! What sustains me, is doing what God would have me do. And, for me, what God is showing me is to seek Him. THAT is what He would have me do. Through prayer, worship, praise, thanksgiving, overcoming by the word of my testimony.....Getting my thoughts to line up with His....and it's a moment by moment process, but in all seriousness....I THRIVE on reaching deeper into His presence....


I'm rambling...thanks for reading!!! : )

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Jun. 3, 2008 at 6:33 PM                    I'm sorry that your feeling down.  I do know one thing though...If God healed you from cancer don't you think He would want you to have a house?  Don't you think He wants whats best for you?  I can answer that for you.  The answer is yes and if you keep trusting and believing in Him than HE will give you the desires of your heart.  His timing is best though.  Please don't give up and read my journal post http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/854683/Isn_t_it_good_to_know_Jesus   Be encouraged.  God bless.

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