Well, yesterday was my third OB visit at my doctor. I knew what to expect-pee in a cup, weight, blood pressure, show the belly, and hear the heartbeat. Well, my doctor could not find the heartbeat, after about a minute of searching. I knew that he was doing his "silent doctor freak out," cause he opened the door (so I wouldn't see his face) after he couldn't find the heartbeat and summonded a nurse. He brought in the ultrasound machine into the doorway (meanwhile, the entire time my son was sitting on my chest) and immediately found the baby through the tummy monitor. He found the heartbeat, and had the monitor sit on the chest area for what felt like a minute (probably 30 seconds or so), and made sure that I got a full look at the heart beating well.

Elijah was just astounded by what was going on while sitting on my chest cavity, and he also thought the ultrasound machine was the coolest thing ever. haha!

Throughout the entire ordeal yesterday, the only thing I thought about was that I wasn't going to be having my baby in Dec, but that I had to do the ttc all over again. To tell you the truth, if I had to ttc again, and this baby wouldn't work out, I probably would wait for another year before going through this again. It makes me wonder if I'm a bad person/woman/parent for not being overwhelmed about not being able to find the heartbeat on the doppler, but instead thinking about how this is going to affect my life.

I know that I'm a good mom, and I do love this new baby, but I guess I still don't feel pregnant right now. Either that, or it hasn't hit my head yet.

Has this thought ever crossed your mind, or am I a crazy selfish woman?

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Comments:

diann...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 3:03 PM It is called SHOCK. Your doctor found the heartbeat before the actuality of a miscarriage hit you. You are fine!!!  ((hugs))

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