When I was pregnant with my first child, we discovered before his birth that there were 2 holes in his heart. As a result, I had to deliver 5 weeks early. I got to hold him only 3 times. At one week of age, he underwent his first heart surgery, and his last. He lasted only 23 days before he was taken away from me. It was the worst day of my life to get a phone call telling me he was gone. I remember the exact spot we were at on the freeway. We were passing a memorial home, and at the time it seemed like a bad omen, I guess it was. When I had called the night before, the nurse told me that he was having "a bit of a rough night". Turns out his rough night had been his heart stopping 4 times, and she didn't even tell me this. I would have gone down that night, but he was in L.A., and I was in the Mojave desert, a 3 hour drive. My mom suggested we wait until morning. If I had gone that night, I would have been able to see him just one more time before he left us. I held him moreafterhe passed then when he was alive.

My worst fear is that something will be wrong with this baby as well. The doctors assure me that the heart is fine, but I still worry. I'm just hoping for a healthy baby that I can hold as much as I want. My son had spent his entire life in the NICU. I know as soon as this baby is born, they are going to run a billion tests, but I don't care, I just pray that there is not a repeat of the previous. The odds are on my side this time, considering I didn't know my first child's father had congenital heart problems. The loss of him drove us apart, and we speak as friends now, but nothing more. This baby's father has no problems, with heart, or health, and I am very happy for this fact. Everytime I feel this one move, I am reminded of what I lost five years ago, and it tears me apart. I try to remain strong for the sake of my family. I hold him inmy heart, and like to think he is looking down on me, making sure his baby sibbling is going to be alright...

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Comments:

Cryst...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 3:09 PM

I'm so sorry you had to go through that sadness and loss. It's no wonder you are afraid this time! But it sounds like everything is great with your baby. Yaaay! I'm sending best wishes and prayers your way sweet Momma! <HUGS>

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Noahs...
Jun. 3, 2008 at 6:57 PM

Lossing a child is the WORST feeling in the world. I lost mine at about 14 weeks. That was horrible but having held him..

 While I can't say that your baby is fine, I will say this: You are wiser now. You know the questions to ask, the places to get help and the tests to take. I'm sure you are doing everything in your power to make this baby happy and healthy. I'm keeping you and your baby in my prayers... =)

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Auror...
Jul. 12, 2008 at 3:59 PM I am so sorry for your loss.  I miscarried before having my son, and although it can not compare to what you have gone through, I lived with fear and worry every day of my pregnancy.  Any time I didn't feel him move for a little while I would panic.  I wish I could do more to help you through this difficult time, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your baby.

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squid...
Aug. 16, 2008 at 5:10 PM

Hugs and prayers,

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Assila
Sep. 5, 2008 at 3:11 AM

i am sorry for your loss! You truly got to hold an angel! I have lost 2 babies before giving birth to a happy healthy baby girl named Emma Angel(the angel that made it!) I was so afraid of getting attached to her in fears that she too would leave like the others. It was a long hard road to get to her but we made it! I never got the chance to meet my babies- but maybe things were better that way. If you ever what a friend to talk to I'm here for you! Best wishes to you and that new baby!

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