I wanted to spit out everything as quick as possibly not just for people reading it but for myself as well. It's not fun bringing up all the past pain and horrible choices I made. I left out a lot of details that weren't necessary, but you all can imagine I suppose the actual using. The lies that went along with it all, it haunts me to this day. Not just things that happened in say the recent years but things I did when I was 17 or 18 and that's like 8 or 9 years ago! Anyway to get on with the hell of my story. I got my daughter back and things were wonderful, it was at this time I met my soon to be SO. He worked with me at D'Angelo's (he was actually the assistant manager) I had a crush on him for a long time but he had a girlfriend and I was going thru my crap so I never actually pursued anything. He was always so loyal too, he would say "you know I have a girlfriend" or "if things were different." But he was a great friend to me thru everything and he saw this transformation of me being a lost soul to someone who knew what she needed to do and did it. I grew a lot and he was there for me as a friend (we only talked like on breaks at work or after work nothing more.) Then who knows what happened but suddenly around Valentine's Day he tells me that his girlfriend told him she had been curious about being with other women. Now normally any other guy I had ever been with would have probably though he hit the jackpot (you have to agree) but it really bothered Mark and they ended up breaking up, they were together for like a year and a half. So not long after this did we get together and I'm a bit ashamed to say but when I say not long I mean like that night *lol*. Anyway it was a whirlwind romance I had never felt anything like it. I thought I loved my daughters father but wow if this was love than I had never come close to feeling it.

Now I don't know if it's true but my counselor says that what I did was self-destruction. It was like everything was so good I had to do something to screw it up? It doesn't even make sense but that's what happened. I'm just gonna be quick but I relapsed with the smoking of crack in July 05. Things went so far downhill so fast it was ridiculous. This time I told my mom first basically begging for help, I really didn't get any. I told Mark he was disappointed but didn't have a clue how to deal with it. Then in October 05 my mother approached the courts and asked for them to lock me up for 30 days in what's supposed to be a detox / rehab program because I was a danger to myself. Of course at this time I wasn't thinking clearly and fought my ass off, running from the police with no shoes on thru peoples back yards - God when I look back it was so ridiculous. All this for coke. So I guess what happens when there is no room in any detox facilities is they put you in state prison (because they have a detox ward). I had never even spent the night in a holding cell up until this point so I was terrified. Then after the prison doctor determines your okay you get transferred from the hospital wing or ward into the general population of the prison. I know my mom had no clue, I blame her for nothing but she didn't realize that this is normal in the state of Massachusetts. I was in a maximum security prison in the same place where people were being held for trial not with the sentenced people. Yeah big difference - their were still women who killed their husbands next to me. It was quite an eye opener. I was only there for 12 days then moved to a rehab because I had no criminal charges. Can you imagine being there with no criminal charges? When the 30 days were over I went home back into the same environment that I had left, Mark was a mess he didn't know what to say to me (we had just moved in together like 2 months earlier.) My mom ended up convincing me once again to give her temp guardianship of Hailey because the inevitable was gonna be that I was gonna have nowhere to live (clean or not.) I lost my job because of her having me locked up for the 30 days, Mark wasn't sure what he wanted and I couldn't ask him to pay the rent and I had no money. So I did what was best I signed the papers, now that I think back I think it was a very selfless thing I did. At that time I couldn't take care of myself never mind her. It kills me though she had just started kindergarten. So by the time I crawled up from the deepest hole ever it was what February/March 2005 (didn't take long for so much to happen) that's when I found out I was pregnant. Already at the end of my 1st trimester, all I could do was pray. I stayed sober thru out my pregnancy for the baby even though inside I was scared as hell something was wrong. In March before Mark new I was pregnant he came back - it wasn't easy believe me and I swear he still not the same man he was when we first got together. I hurt him so much it's like I took a part of him. He's not one to tell me how he feels or felt but I got pieces little by little and he loved me more than I ever imagined and I hurt him more than I ever imagined. Sometimes even now I worry that it'll never be the same. I know it won't be the "same" but he was a gentle and sensitive guy but yeah he was naive and believed everything I said and he blames himself but it wasn't him, he loved me of course he trusted me and me while I was using took advantage of that trust to get money or what I wanted. Ugh I hate myself sometimes. Anyway I stayed clean and thank God gave birth to Sean full term and healthy as could be, he's soon to be 2 in Sept and everything is still perfect so all we can do is pray. I say my sobriety date is January 8th 2006 and it is that is the last time I ever picked up and used anything illegal. I was clean for a long time too but I don't know what made me want to use that day but I did while Sean was napping and you know it made me sick to my freaking stomach and I really got rid of the rest and got on my knees and prayed for the power and strength that I needed to never to it again and to this day I haven't. I don't know if it was Sean, I think it was and the feeling of how lucky I was he was healthy and by God I wasn't gonna put him thru any kind of unnecessary hurt like I did his sister.

I'm very luck now finally I have a good relationship with my mom and my step-dad, they both love Mark. I live in a beautiful 3 bedroom huge huge apartment and Hailey spends every weekend with us. Friday night until I bring her to my mom's in time for the bus Monday morning. I've been in her life consistently for about a year now maybe more and she has her own room here and she knows that we want her to live with us but poor thing is worrying about other people's feelings. So we're at a point where me and my mom are on the same page and tell her to not worry about hurting me or gramma but to do what makes her happy and she said that she wanted to stay with gramma and be with mom on the weekends for now. So that's we're we are. It hurt real bad but I've grown a lot emotionally and it's not about me, she's gotten attached to my mom and she has a life there. My sister is like a big sister to her and when she does move in with me she has to switch schools which she has expressed to me that she's worried about. That and summer camp. She's 7 and soon to be 8 in August but sometimes she surprises u and comes out with things that are like she's 20. I swear she gets it straight from my mom or sisters mouth. So that's my story basically.

Oh and the other thing she likes about staying with Gramma - yeah right now as we speak they're in Aruba. Very sorry but mom and Mark wouldn't quite be able to go to Aruba and Disney and here and there for 2 weeks at a time on a whim - this trip was thought of and booked 3 months ago. Yeah wwyd?

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Comments:

army_...
Jun. 8, 2008 at 11:30 AM dont beat yourself up over things in the past what matters is what you are now i will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers

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Kerfu...
Jun. 24, 2008 at 1:56 PM My sobriety date is March 23 2006. It's the day I left Massachusetts for nebraska.  We have similar stories....  and it makes me wonder if you know my friend Melissa

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