|The Diaper Goblin is not a Water Dragon|
I don't swim well at all. In fact, if you try and drown around me, you will just have to save your own happy ass, because I'm out on that water hero shit. My life jacket for the lake is state-of the-art, baby. In case anyone is wondering, the old "throw 'em off the back of the boat and they'll learn" method does not work (Thanks, Dad.), particularly after seeing "Jaws" at the drive-in when I was five. I only know one stroke (I call it the frantic survival struggle) and treading water is out of the question. The ETH swims very well, though, so we decided to enroll the Goblin in a Baby Swim class when Aunt Leelee and my future daughter-in-law Jayden suggested it. Our first class was yesterday.
It didn't work out so well.
Equipped with a swim diaper and tiny swim trunks with sharks on them, the Prince was all in until hiss butt hit the water. He proceeded to cut a big bubbly fart and start crying. He was on me like the face-eaters from "Alien". A tsunami would not have dislodged that child from my chest. The water was so heavily chlorinated, it was like walking through Jello. I could feel my tattoos sloughing off. The teacher was an earnest, bright idealistic young man of maybe a whopping twenty-one, and he seemed used to babies flipping out. We started class, with some bubble blowing and floating excercises.
The Prince clung to me like a tree frog, alternating shrieking and crying. The ETH was taping the whole thing. Great, now the Prince will have something to actually SHOW his therapist when the time comes. Peachy. We sang songs, tried different excercises, and through the whole thing, poor G kept up the noise . At one point, the babies were dunked underwater for a moment. Leelee and I exchanged a look- as in, " I will kill this young man if he hurts my baby." G's fiancee was okay with it, but G came up screeching and gave me a look that just about killed me. I had almost decided to ditch the class until the instructor pulled out a basket of colored balls.
G fell quiet. This was the Holy Grail for him. The ball is the life. We floated to fetch balls in the water. Okay, better. We're down with that.
Jayden, however, was chill about the whole thing. In fact, Jayden was ready to go tubing down the Guadalupe with a glass of milk in one hand and a cookie in the other. She loved the water. I started to think maybe I should relax, because I was feeding his fears. So I did, and although he still seemed skeptical about the whole jello-pool thing, he eased the crying down to sobbing and whining.
Then we were done. That was the longest half-hour of my life.
I think as he gets used to it, things will get better. I doubt I will have any tattoos left after twelve weeks, though.