Failure
- June 11, 2008 at 1:39 PM by sweetheart1985
- 4 Comment(s)
- 52 Total Views
I'm flying by the seat of my pants here, so bear with me...
Have you ever had a time in your life when you felt like absolute crap? Worthless. Useless. No willpower.
I feel like that right now. Like crap. Like I'm doing nothing for anyone. I don't know what to do. There really isn't anything I CAN do... I take that back... there's plenty I CAN do... but I can't bring myself to do it anymore. Work. My job. I don't know why it's so hard for me. I don't. But I hate it. I hate going. I hate doing it. I hate it. The entire day, I watch the clock. I try my best not to. I try to have fun... and to most people who see me, I'm sure they'd think I was having a great time. I go to work and I'm bubbly, happy, easy to talk to, fun to be around... everyone generally likes me. What they don't know is I can't wait to get out of there.
If I could stay home and spend my time doing the household chores I have to MAKE time for, I'd just feel so much better.... and so much worse.
It's like a catch 22. I go to work and hate it. I spend my days wishing I was literally anywhere else. It would be that way with almost any job. But if I was staying home, I would feel like crap. Like I wasn't contributing to the family. It would take one giant pressure off of me and put another pressure on. The pressure to give more monetarily. Does that make sense? ... Maybe I'm just too much of a woman. I let everything get to me. I worry incessantly. About everything.
Yesterday I got a bill in the mail from our last apartment that is trying to charge us for things we definitely do not owe. It's so frustrating! I was so mad! I wanted to call up the landlord and give her a piece of my mind!! My husband was the voice of reason telling me it wouldn't fix anything, but I didn't want to listen. I had no way to get all that frustration and anger and pure WORRY out. ugh. I don't know.
I know this makes no sense. I just needed to get it out.
I stayed home from work today. I've been bawling all morning and don't know how to stop. I feel horrible. Calling in to work made me feel worse. I'm failing them again. Failing. Again. Fail fail fail. Seems like it's all I do. Mess things up. Do things wrong. Fail. The people who love and need me most. I fail them. I'm a failure. Uuuugh.
I think I'm depressed.
- Written by sweetheart1985 on June 11, 2008 at 1:39 PM
- 52 total views
- See all posts by sweetheart1985
Comments:
Don't be so down on yourself, babe. It'll be fine, you'll work it out, I'm sure. You can't just blame everything on yourself because you don't want to be at work, at least you keep trying, right? That's what counts!
Oh sweetheart; I know you have done for me! when I get notes from you, even a short hello, I feel better. Please don't discount your existance and how much you do, even if doing is only acknoledging others existance..
Now, as far as the past-landlord is concerned; DO NOT CALL. Instead, write it all down in a letter. Sometimes, the written word is much more exact-- and, if it's all down in black and white, nobody can say that you said something different. You would, at the least, be on the same page and, who knows? You MAY be able to work out something better for you and your family..
And, feel better, ok?
Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?
Click here to register for CafeMom
Already a member?Click here to log in
Oh sweatpea, don't be depressed. It's the last few months of nasty weather that does it. Stupid Pacific Northwest. Give it a few days, Friday is going to be gorgeous. Take some time for yourself, something that makes you feel good, pretty, happy, whatever. Then get off your rump and do something active. Exercise releases endorphins. It sucks, but make yourself do it.
Hell, I would hate working at Wally World too, can't blame you for that one :)
((((HUGS))))))
sexyninja Jun. 11, 2008 at 1:43 PM