As we come up on the end of Logan's first year, I've been thinking a lot about his birth. I'm so glad that I wrote out my birth story for my message board, otherwise I don't think that I would have done it. I'd like to edit it and make a copy for his baby book.
The day that Logan was born is not a happy memory for me. I'm going to add a few details that happened after his birth. 
Let me start by saying that I was very sick when I went into labor, I think that may have contributed to my early labor.  I had a sinus infection and was put on antibiotics.  I hadn't slept well because I couldn't breathe, and that day I couldn't even talk because my throat was so bad.  I would try but nothing came out.  I had taken pseudophededrine an hour before my water broke.  I think that may have been the straw that broke the camels back.  I'm sure they would have induced me by that monday though because I learned later that my liver was in distress and my enzymes were elevated.  I thought that pain was the baby, turns out it was my liver.
After birth, they checked Logan, his APGAR was a 7/8 but declined shortly after. They handed me this little blue baby and I took one look at him and handed him back quickly so that they could get him healthy. After they took him out of the room, I was in a daze. The doctor joked about how long the umbilical cord was, apparently it was the longest one she had ever seen. She said that she could jump rope with it. She even showed it off the a few nurses passing by (gross!). I asked for food and was informed that I wasn't allowed to eat yet because of the magnesium they gave me. Eric went out to talk to the family while they finished cleaning me up. The doctor asked me if I was ok because she said that I looked like I was in shock, I pretty much was looking back on it. She told me that it would take a while for my brain to realize what just happened.
I was brought into recovery and I remember not even being able to speak. My father saw me in the hallway and I couldn't talk. He told me that I did a good job and kissed me on the forehead. Now my recovery experience was not a pleasant one. The first thing that happened was the nurse decided to put my breakfast tray right in front of me so that it would be there when I was allowed to eat. WTF? Lets put food in front of a woman that hasn't eaten in 18 hours and tell her not to eat it? So I sat up in bed, pulled my hair up, put some chapstick on and got ready to go see my baby. They took my epidural out and I thought I was ready to go. I was moved over to a less "high risk" area of recovery. The nurse yelled at me for having too many visitors. My husband and my mother were the only ones who came into recovery to see me. I was given a catheter even though I had requested not to. I think I was too weak to fight. I now know that as I suspected it wasn't necessary. They brought baby after baby in so that all of the new mom's could practice breastfeeding. I started crying. The nurse yelled at me for putting my tissues on the table because she didn't want to get sick... again- WTF? You're a nurse, I'm not allowed to get out of bed and this is a hospital! Its not like I was putting them on a restaurant table. She told me I needed to sleep. Finally after fighting with her, another nurse said "of course she's not going to sleep until she see's her baby". The new nurse called my doctor, got clearance to bring me to the NICU, got me a room , brought my bags there herself, and ordered me some food.
I finally got to see my little boy. I was brought into the NICU, he was in the critical room. He was in the corner so I saw all these micro-preemies before I saw him. Theres nothing more horrifying than seeing a 1lb baby in person. I saw my little boy in the incubator. He needed assistance breathing and was hooked up to monitors and IV's. He also had a hat on, I don't know why. I couldn't see his face si I just held his hand through the opening in the incubator. I was brought back to my room and offered pain meds. Even though I wasn't in any pain, I took 2 percocet so that I could sleep and forget what happened. The rest of the day is a blur....between the percocet and the magnesium and the fatigue. I lknow I had visitors, slept, ate and met my nemesis, the breast pump.  I sent Eric home so that he could get some sleep. One of the things that a hospital does which is probably the worst possible thing they can do, is that when you have a baby in the NICU, they put you in a room with mother's that have their baby with them.  So you have to listen to a mother getting to know her new baby when yours is in another part of the hospital.  I don't know why they do that.  I was lucky because the mother that was in the room with me was on her sixth baby and was very helpful to me.  She told me that Logan would be just fine and that I couldnt blame myself for what happened.  Even though I'm not religious, she told me that god would make sure that baby was healthy, and I believed her.
The next morning I felt like a new person.  I called the NICU to check on Logan, and was told he was taken off the CPAP and put on regular oxygen.  A great relief, my baby could breathe on his own.  My catheter was removed and I was taken off magnesium.  I waited very impatiently so that Eric could help me shower.  I showered and ate. 
Samantha and Amanda were my first visitors that day.  I took Sam with me to the NICU so that she could see the baby.  I walked into the nursery where he was the day before and didn't see him.  My heart jumped.  A nurse told me that he had been moved and that was a good thing.  I went in and sat next to the incubator.  A nurse came over and asked me if I'd like to hold him.  I wasn't expecting it.  She dressed him and handed him to me.  I finally got to hold my baby boy.  Samantha took a few picutres and then I told her that she needed to go back to the room and get Eric for me.  Eric looked like he ran from my room to the NICU.  I got to hand him our son on Father's day for the first time.  We jsut sat there and held him.  I studied his face that I could finally see.  Checked over every inch of him.  Saw that he had a full head of hair! ( the old wives tale was right,  I had had awful heartburn).  I spent the day bringing people in to see him.  Jen visited, she sat in bed with me, we watched tv, ordered food, she helped me pump.  Sometime in the middle of the night I went to visit him again.  I held him for probably about an hour, just crying.  It ws the first time I really had any time to process what had happened.  It was the first time I got to see him without having to show him off to anyone, the first time I got to be "just a mom".  
The next day I was cleared to leave the hospital.  I could have stayed another day if I had liked, but I really wanted to get home.  I knew that there was no possible way for me to leave with my baby so I decided it was best for me to leave.  I spent the day talking to doctors and making sure everything was set for me to go home.  I put the NICU on speed-dial and prepared for the hardest thing I would ever have to do, leave my baby boy behind.  I tried to wait in the room so that the car would be there by the time I got down, but the nurse taking me out was in a rush.  People stared at me while I was wheeled out, I had new baby boy flowers in my hands but no baby.  I probably should have had Eric take them with him.  I held it together until I got into the car, then I fell apart.  I came home, my mother brought us dinner and I slept ( but not before I wrote my birthstory for all the girls at PW).  
Eric went back to work so that he could take time when we got to bring Logan home.  I started the new routine of being a NICU mom.  My mother picked me up every morning and drove me to the hospital.  We went in for the 11am feeding.  I got to feed, change and hold my baby.  I went home in the afternoons to rest ( and cry) and then back with Eric in the evenings.  You learn what all the monitors mean, to put the leads back on when they fall off, and even to let their heartrate recover on its own when it drops ( I admit I did flick his feet a few times when I should have let him do it himself, I'm only human though)  When I was home I called the NICU to get updates, weight changes, bilirubin levels etc...  It quickly became routine.  It even got easier leaving him at the hospital.  The hardest part was sitting in front of the hospital waiting for the car to come around.  A lot of pregnant women go in and out of a hospital.  Every time I saw a pregnant woman, I was jealous that she would get to finish her pregnancy normally, I felt empty inside.  I hear that its normal to feel that way when you have a full term baby, but its even worse when you don't have a baby to hold.  
I almost didn't believe them when they told me Logan could come home.  A few days had already turned into 12 days.  Bringing him home was so surreal, I couldn't believe he was finally home... this little 5lb baby was all in my care.  By this time I was a pro.  I had dressing him and changing his diapers down.  Breastfeeding was still a struggle for a few weeks though.  By the time I went back to work I felt like I had been a mom for years, not 7 weeks.  I struggled with what happened for a while, I don't know if it was just normal for being a NICU mom or if it was a little PPD.  It certainly wasn't severe or dangerous though if it was....I was mostly just weepy. It probably took about 6 months before it started to get better.  
Now I have this perfect baby boy, who is everywhere.  He is just such a happy baby, we are so spoiled.  I'm so grateful that he isn't developmentally delayed at all.  Its like he never was a preemie.  


Logan's  birth story as written for PW on June 18th, 2007:

Congratulations to Jessica1824239, on the birth of her son (6 weeks early) Logan Joseph, 4lbs 11oz and 18 inches long.


Logan Joseph decided that July 25th was just too far away and decided to join us on June 16th instead....

***Edit- I'm so tired I forgot to include he was 4lbs 11oz and 18 inches long.****

I had been going to the doctor daily for BP checks. We had our growth scan on thursday, everything looked good, gave me a quick cervix check and absolutely nothing. I went back to the doctor friday morning, still nothing to be concerned about. I ran a few errends with my mother after the doctor, turned in my disability paperwork and went home and was a good girl and sat on the couch for the rest of the day. My husband got home and we were discussing dinner while my sister was baking me cupcakes (i'm so spoiled), and I felt this little pop. It was about 7:30 or so. Before I even stood up I knew that my water had broken. I yelled for Eric while I waddled to the bathroom in tears, it must have been quite a site for my sister) and sat on the toilet while I gushed and gushed and gushed. Eric called the doctor who pretty much had told us the obvious, off to L&D and we would be having a baby within 24 hours.

I hadn't had a single contraction until we were getting to the hospital. In admitting they were coming 7 minutes apart. While I was in triage, very shortly after, they were 3 minutes apart, by the time I was in the room they were 2 minutes apart. Even though I was getting the contractions so close together, the doctor decided that because of my BP, she felt it was safest to put me on pitocin to get the baby out as fast as possible. She was concerned and didn't want to have to do a c-section. So I got my epidural (so much for natural) which wasn't very pleasent beacause I was so swollen he had trouble getting it in. They started the pitocin and the magnesium and she told me to go to sleep for a while. Sleep? How was I supposed to sleep when I'm about to have a baby. So it was around 1 then, Eric fell asleep for a bit, but I was wide awake, and kinda bored because no one else was around. Around 4:20 I started feeling a few contractions again very slightly. The nurse asked if they hurt and I said no, but she said she'd get the doctor anyways. The doctor checked me and I was fully dilated and ready to push. By the time they got set up, the epidural had completely worn off so they decided to give me a little bit just to make pushing a little more bearable. The anastheologist came in and must have given me more than he originally gave me. The doctor asked me if I could feel the contractions and I told her that I couldn't even feel my thighs. So I had to wait another hour before even trying to push because of that. The first nurse that had me pushing wasn't really helping me at all. Then shift change at 7 came around and the new nurse got me pushing effectively. Logan entered the world at 8:03am. I have to say that with all the interventions and for all the doctors that were in the room when he was born, they were very good about keeping back, they kept the lights dim and everything was quiet. Even though it wasn't how I had wanted it to go, I couldn't have asked for a better delievery. I actually think delivery was better than the entire pregnancy.

I'm home now, Logan is still in the NICU. He'll be there for at least a few days. He was on the cpap for the first few hours, then moved to just the nasal canula for a day, and now he's off of oxygen completely. He's eating, but still having trouble with his suck swallow reflex so he's getting half of his feedings through the feeding tube. He's looking a little jaundiced, so I imagine he'll be under the lights later today or tomorrow morning. He's already in a step down unit and once he's eating regularly and in a regular crib he should be ready to come home. Its already more than I could ask for for being only 2 1/2 days old.

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Comments:

shawn...
Jun. 12, 2008 at 9:35 AM OMG Jess! You have me in tears over here with that story. I'm sooooo sorry that you had to go through it that way....But thank god that Logan is a beautiful, healthy boy!

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Sarah707
Jun. 12, 2008 at 9:47 AM

Jess, you are such a strong woman! I admire you more than you know. Logan is very lucky to have you as him Mommy!

 Just FYI-- I cried the whole way through this.

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hez3
Jun. 12, 2008 at 10:36 AM

What a beautiful  real birth story. It brought me back a few years when my DD was admitted to the NICU.

BTW Sorry you had some shitty nurses!! 

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Ashle...
Jun. 12, 2008 at 6:19 PM Awww, I was crying! (lol, sappy little ol' me!) Its so hard to believe that this was almost a YEAR ago! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOGAN!!! You both have come a long way!!

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Alley533
Jun. 13, 2008 at 11:04 PM UGH Thanks for the tears! You wrote it beautifully! Maybe you could make it into a letter TO Logan to put into his book.. aww

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