I read daily 'this one had her baby or so and so's baby is here'. My emotions flare up with elation for my friends and plummet with discouragement for me. Getting 'picked last' is TOUGH! All of us left "still" pregnant midway through June silently scream "pick meeeee - oh PLEASE pick me!"

But then the emotions sway again. three children. Can i competently handle three? Can i fight the good fight of a mother and try harder every day to do better than the day before? To show them my love more, to teach them better, to create people I will be pleased to know?

Can I handle the pain of labor!? Oh this thought is so scary. I am afraid I will "chicken out" and opt for meds (- this is no indictment on anyone who has less hang-ups and issues than me and can accept help without some kind of neurotic self debasement first-

I want to be strong. i want to go into labor and less than 6 hours later have a baby. i want things to go crazy smooth. No tubes, chords wires all tangling me up. i want it to hurt less than i was expecting. I do not really want it to hurt at ALL!

uhg. sigh. groceries wait for me.

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