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What I lost, I can never have back.
- Jun 17, 2008 at 8:54 AM
- By
- Comments (8) Total Views (155) Everyone can see this journal post.
Sadly, this is a topic that is always on my mind. I have lost much in my life.
There are days that I look back in my files and reminisce of the old days. When I had no worries, no cares and never thought of losing anyone or anything. To me in my young, impressionable mind, I thought all of it and all of them would be around for ever.
Material things can always be replaced. And in all honesty, there is nothing material that I wish to have back. Well, with the exception of my Mickey Mouse doll that I carried where ever my parents and I went. Other than that, I want nothing of material value back.
On the other hand, I have loved one's that I would like to have back in my life. The first, and most important person is my mom. She died in 1989 when I was just shy of turning thirteen years old.
My mother, as well as my father, never gave up on me. Even when the doctors gave them none for my survival as an infant. She made sure that I was well taken care of. Both in the hospital and at home. My mom made sure that I never lacked in what I needed.
Another person that I wish I could still have, and that I will never get back is the baby that I was pregnant with in 2003. Never will I get to hold him, rock him to sleep, feed and cuddle with him. There is an emptiness within me that will never get filled with my baby's presence.
More and more over the years, I wonder what it would have been like if I also still had my extended family from both sides still in my life. But, alas, that will never happen.
After the death of my mother, her side of the family ditched my dad and I. Apparently we were nothing to them after my mom died. They had to put up with us while she was alive. So, they found the cop-out they were looking for. My mother's death.
As for the other side, my dad's side, it was after my grandmother's death that we no longer were spoken to. That side of the family is rich. They all have their noses in the air, thinking that they are better than everyone else. Especially those, like myself and dad, that are not made of money.
There is a great-uncle that I had adored as a child. He was my grandmother's (dad's mom) brother. Oh how I loved my Uncle Charlie! To him, I was the cream of the crop. I was his "doll baby". That was my nick-name he gave me when I was an infant because I was the size of a baby doll at birth. He showered me with gifts and love.
One other great-uncle is sorely missed and I wish that I could have back. It was my Uncle Roy. He was half Italian. And out of all of the nieces, nephews and grand-kids, I was his favorite. It took me years to figure out why. Apparently, I was always the most behaved and was the one that NEVER asked for money or anything else.
Roy also was very fickle on whom he let help him cook in the kitchen. Especially his famous spaghetti sauce. And if you tasted it without permission (or anything he cooked for that matter), he about kicked your butt. Even while in a wheelchair. But, I was always one that he had in the kitchen. I helped put in ingredients, stir the pot, and even taste the food. If my aunt or grandma tried to sneak a taste, they got a taste of his wrath.
Man, those were the days indeed! When I was the richest person on earth. To have my family and the countless members within it. Between both sides, there are/were so many of us, that it would be hard to keep count.
Now, it is just myself, my dad, my kids, my husband, and my husband's extended families on both sides. My husband's family (both sides) have filled the void. But, that void will never be completely filled. It will never be the same as when I had my family around.
These days, I don't take family, life or my kids for granted. I have had to learn some hard lessons about gain, loss, pride and family connections, as well as communication. If I could have any, if not all of the people that I have lost back, I would cherish them more than I did back then.
Comments:
Gena, true, I have lost more than an "average" person in this life. But, I now can see just how important family is, how precious life is and to not take for granted ANYTHING!
Because, as time marches on, noone is going to be around for ever. One day, you WILL lose those that you love and hold dear. So, take time for what it's worth and use it wisely.
Clare, don't be sad. Yes, there are times that I do wish that I could turn back time. Just for a bit and reexperience it all again. Just to have back what I lack.
But, on the other hand, I love what and WHO I have in the here and now. Loss has made me stronger. And all of the losses have made me who I am NOW. Each of them have taught me something. And all of them had shown me to cherish every second of everyday that I am here and with those that I love dearly.
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sad topic indeed. I have lost "my life" I am no longer who I was, I can't do the things I used to do, my life is now being lived one moment at a time. I may have lost a lot of things and my life will never be the same but I gained a son I hadn't planned on and he is my hero.
- Mothsdance
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