Strength

[pfcpremosgirl]

Some days, I just scratch my head trying to think of what in this world I've done to deserve all these bad things that have happened to me in these recent past weeks. But nothing I can come up with, with the exception of some rather questionable teenage behavior, gives me a clue as to why someone would kill my dog, or why I got kidney stones, or why laryngytis...all soooo soooo close to my husband returning to me!! I have been close to meltdown status on more than one occasion recently. I would start thinking to myself....WHERE do I get the strength to keep truckin', when really I want to give up; just give up, lay down, and maybe die...BUT THEN, I remember where strength comes from. NOT from somewhere deep inside myself...thats a crock....no one can build some secret fountain of strength all by themselves. I realized, after much introspection, that my strength has been coming in doses, just to get me through each trial, through God's precious grace, and through the love of my husband. Those things together have made me, temporarily, superwoman. Capable of amazing feats that alot of people may not have made it through themselves without that same wonderful love, of two amazing and crucially important people...the Creator, and their spouse. My children give me things through their love as well, don't get me wrong. But a great deal of the stress of being alone during a deployment comes from the children, their testing, pushing, pouting, screaming, acting out,, and not being able to express how they feel about daddy being gone so damn long, so they just act in every way like wild animals at times, and that certainly does not help with all the other issues I've been dealing with lately. My love for these boys is too big for my heart to contain, but dealing with them without my husband is trying, to say the very least...especially the four year old, who feels it and is affected by it in a far greater capacity than my 15 yr old or my 14 month old sons. He is the one who has decided "hate", "stupid", "shut up" and "no" are his favorite expressions during this deployment, yet he is also the one who stands outside my bathroom door when I use the restroom, and sits on my bed when I shower, who will not sleep anywhere but with me for fear I, too, will leave him. So I understand his behavior, even the stuff that makes me wanna get in the car and drive as far and as fast from him as I can. He can't find or doesn't know the words for how he feels, and this is all he knows how to do to deal with how sad, or how angry, or how confused he is that his daddy is in someplace called Iraq, instead of being at home with us and getting him ready for bed, and taking him fishing, and just taking car rides together and talking.....he misses that. I miss that. And I am so grateful that even though the Army has taken my husband to a far off land temporarily, my husband's love, and God's grace, have endowed me with so much strength, more than I knew I ever had until the day came when it was needed more than anything else in the entire universe. Strength gets me through. And until that day when my sweet husband is home to be my partner once again, and to give his children back their sense of family, it will be that strength, and ONLY that strength, that keeps me right here, in our home, enduring til its over....Aundria Premo :-)

GOD BLESS OUR MILITARY SPOUSES! AND THANKS TO YOU ALL, INCLUDING MYSELF!! :-) FOR HOLDING IT TOGETHER AND KEEPING IT GOING!!! YOU'RE ALL A BLESSING!