A little about me

[Kasuko]

I am an independent, free-thinker. My mind is very creative and I am always coming up with new ideas, new obsessions, and better ways of doing things. I am also a perfectionist. It's hard for me to finish a task because I go at it with such a detailed mindset that it becomes overwhelming and I phase out. But, when I do complete a task, it is done well and there is no fault found in it. I pride myself in that. I also pride myself in being a homemaker: or should I say a housewife. There is so much more to being a homemaker than just keeping the housework done. I am still working hard at the other aspects of homemaking, but the housework is perfec.t I do a really good job. I keep the house spotless and very rarely does my husband have to comment on the housework not being done. Before I got married, I considered myself a liberal feminist. My Mother was obedient and submissive to my Father as was I. The difference was, she wanted to be and I hated it. All he had to do was set his empty glass in front of one of us and we got up and got him some more of whatever he was drinking. My Mother didn't buy a soda without asking my Father first. It was so frustrating. She wore the clothes he wanted her to wear and didn't wear the clothes he didn't want her to wear. She even adopted his ideas and opinions on practically everything, including what sports team he enjoyed and how to interperet certain Scripture verses. I hated that. I felt like she had no individuality. I didn't rebel until I left for college. When my parents moved to another state and I decided to remain, I got my own place. I was in charge of what I did, where I spent my money, who I hung out with, and where I went. I loved it. When I met my husband, we would have several discussions about marriage and the future. He knew my personality and my thinking. We both understood what our roles would be in the marriage. However, for the first 2 years of marriage, even with our roles defined, it was hard on us. He was trying to be the authority and so was I. I didn't trust him to make the right decisions so I tried to be in charge. In the meantime, I would complain that he would step up and be the leader in the home. It's no wonder, I wouldn't let him! We would argue and fight, scream and namecall. It was terrible. But, when we weren't fighting and nobody had to be the one to decide, we got along great. We were best friends and i loved him with all my heart. I just didn't want to give up control. I am a very controlling person, after all. Well, just a few weeks ago, I began to realize my need for him to take control and lead our family. We began to play out fantasies of him being in control and me being submissive in bed and I loved it. In playing out these fantasies, my husband became more confident and started taking more control and being the authority. I fought it some of the time, but invited it most of the time. It was wonderful! Since my Father was not very approachable growing up, I had a hard time talking to my husband about a subject that was burdening my heart. I mean, it took me 5 minutes to work up the courage to ask my Father if he thought I was a good singer...that's how unapproachable he was. Finally, while laying in bed I brought the subjects I wanted to discuss up to my husband. I figured he would laugh at me, insult me, or just ignore my questions and subjects altogether. He's not like that, but I expected him to be. It's a trust issue, I guess. The subjects we discussed were submission, obedience, respect,  and my bad attitude. I explained to him what kind of wife I wanted to be and he explained what kind of wife he wanted me to be. He was open and honest and so was I. It felt great. We worked out a plan that will help me be more obedient and respectful to him. He doesn't want me to be submissive. He says that sometimes he needs to me to stand up to him when he is wrong. That's fine, I guess. He is going to be helping me with my bad attitude and lack of respect as well. I'm not always mean and rude or ugly to him. But, some times I just fight his authority and it hurts our marriage. What's nice about our talk is, we were able to work my personality into his expectations of me. So, I don't have to change being opinionated and a free thinker, I just have to be willing to respect him and obey him. It's wonderful! Already, I feel so fulfilled in my marriage and it has only been one day! I can't wait to see what the next 3 years brings! 

[HisDove]

Jul. 29, 2008 at 12:56 AM

Wow, what a journey you have gone through to bring you to this place. I can't wait to hear about where you are in three years as well!