I know how you feel!  I have a 21 yo daughter who moved away, will not give me her phone number or her address.  Has disconnected her cell phone.  MY mother wont tell me where she is!  They all do not like my DH, but that is not up to them!  He was nothing but good to my mother and my daughter and she screwed us over!

As for your daughter, they do not change as they grow older, only more mature.  My daughter was selfish and self-centered, as all kids are!  You have her under your roof, demand respect from her.  Tell her she is not to disrespect you in any way, or you are going to treat her like an adult and haul off and knock her on her ass!  No mom needs to be disrespected.  You did your recovery.  Now it is time to take the kids in hand and show them who is the Mom!  Everyone makes mistakes-- forgive yourself and then others will forgive!  Good luck!

julylady58 Jul. 2, 2008 at 10:01 PM

You know the thing about kids is, when you have them, your whole life changes and its all about them.  From the time they are conceived there is no more smoking or drinking or partying (if you have a good conscience). And they are number ONE.

It seems that they have never been number one for you. First you were depressed and drinking, so it was about you, and your 1st husband was a jerk, still about you.

Then your second husband was a sex addict, God help them is they were exposed to that, and they were bounced around you said, he was a pervert, still about you, you were still drinking, they weren't getting you're care or attention...

Now instead of seeing the pain she in STILL in and WHY she's acting out, you're worried about the stress she's causing you and you're NEW man?

Honey, I am not trying to judge you, but trying to make you see you kids have NEVER been number one in your life and that's what your daughter is acting out against. If she looks in the mirror what she'll see is you....selfish and self centered.  For Pete's sake you picked partying with your freinds over being with her? For once bring your kids to yourself and dedicate yourself to them and them only, love them dedicate yourself to them and see if you can salvage their self worth and self esteem . She may not have been beaten, but she has been emotionally broken by her mother not being there for her and being from a broken home.

You mention God. Pray for your children, that they will heal from this pain and that your family can be restored. And that they will forgive you.

Beyacubana Jul. 2, 2008 at 10:55 PM

You're right, I shouldn't expect them to understand.  They are children and are living by their mother's selfish examples.  I should have, instead tried to be stronger for them.  Loving them isn't enough, it's showing them, and I apparently haven't done that.  I have been selfish, why shouldn't they want to be too?

Thank you for putting that out there, I guess I needed a wake up call.  It's not about my healing from abuse caused by myself and my ex's, it's about healing them, because I brought them into the world, they are my responsibility and haven't been.  Even tho the choices to divorce were to be for their benefit as well as mine, to get them out of that situation, too late...I guess she is right, I really did mess them up, I shouldn't have been so selfish, I should have just dealt with it...for them

Mschae Jul. 3, 2008 at 10:36 AM

Even if the divorce was for their sake, the rest of the stuff? The partying with your friends, the drinking, the bouncing them around? That was for you and you only.

So now put THEM first, show them they are important to you. Yes, you brought them into this world and you are responsible for their well being until they are adults and making their own way in this world and you have taught them everything they need to know to make it. 16 is not an adult and in no way ready to make it in this mean world.

I have an 18 year old daughter and a 17 year old son, I have had cancer twice and I have had to fight like hell to stay alive to raise them. And yes I also had to deal with a husband who was drinking to much, could not be the strong one for me, I had to be strong and brave, even though I was being poisoned with chemo, and lost my hair and sick as a dog, my kids never saw me cry or having a pty party, because it would scare them. It was HARD, but they came FIRST, even if I had to crawl.

So, now you be strong and make up for what you messed up and put your boyfriend second. You bore those kids from your body, love them and nurture them till they are ready to leave the home. I know its in you momma.

Beyacubana Jul. 4, 2008 at 1:27 AM