"Fair fighting rules" from "Angry All the Time" by Ron Potter-Efron

[margaretandem]

I thought I would share this with others and hope that it may be helpful.  In my professional work as a counselor/therapist and personal life, with clients, daughter and other family, friends, strangers, those I have to deal with but would rather not, I try to keep these in mind in efforts to communicate effectively and appropriately and get productive results.  It is an excerpt from page 134 of "Angry All the Time" by Ron Potter-Efron, for those interested in reading the whole book, and it lists the do's and don't's of good communication and conflict resolution.  See how you can adapt this to the different people and situations in your life.  Let me know what you think and how this works, or doesn't work (as the case may be), for you.  Enjoy.

Margaret Andem, LCSW
http://www.andemtherapy.com
http://www.andeminfodiabetesmellitus.com
http://www.andeminfobloodpressure.com
http://www.africanconexion.com


FAIR FIGHTING RULES

DO
-tell people what you feel
-stick to one issue at a time
-sit down and talk
-listen
-focus on the specific behavior you want
-make regular eye contact (but don't glare)
-be flexible - be willing to change your mind
-breathe calmly, stay relaxed
-be open to negotiation and compromise
-be responsible for everything you say
-focus on solutions, not victories or defeats
-take time-outs as needed

DON'T
-make fun of others
-hit, push, shove, hold, or threaten to do so
-stand up and yell
-make faces
-attack the other's personality
-name-call
-get stuck in the past
-run away from the issue
-say "forget it," "tough," I don't care," "so what," or anything that ignores the other's concerns
-have to get the last word in
-interrupt
-say "always" or "never" or other generalizations

[MumFerg]

Jul. 3, 2008 at 1:24 PM Awesome!  I made a rule that you can only use "intelligent" words when disagreeing.   No "you suck", "idiot",  etc etc.  You have to use words to get your point across, and not just blab out things that just "fill space". 

[margaretandem]

Jul. 3, 2008 at 1:52 PM

Absolutely.  And if you think about the words you use and use your intelligent words, then there's a better chance that things will be resolved appropriately and won't get out of hand.  Thanks so much for sharing.

Margaret Andem, LCSW
http://www.andemtherapy.com
http://www.andeminfodiabetesmellitus.com
http://www.andeminfobloodpressure.com
http://www.africanconexion.com

(Original Poster)

[Cordevz]

Aug. 4, 2008 at 9:55 AM

Just this morning I was asking myself, Why do I get aggravated so easily. I didn't come up with an answer to the question, yet. But I've been down this road with myself plenty of times. I know what the answer is I just need to find a few quiet moments to digest Why. Thank you for your insight. Keep em coming

[margaretandem]

Aug. 10, 2008 at 6:06 PM

You are welcome.  We always need to take the moments to figure out the why and resolve it.  Keep learning and growing.

Margaret Andem, LCSW
http://www.andemtherapy.com
http://www.andeminfodiabetesmellitus.com
http://www.andeminfobloodpressure.com
http://www.africanconexion.com

(Original Poster)