Words can be used to paint the most vivid mental portrait.  It is very important to me that I create a portrait that causes you to feel what I am saying.  And to properly feel what I am saying, you must first know a little about who I am. My hope is that when you see the picture of me, my word portrait will become alive to you.

My husband and I are very much alike.  One of the greatest things we have in common is that we love people.  We have had the perfect job from the beginning ouf our marriage.  We are ministers.  After we were married we started working with the youth in the church we attended.  We had alot of success making a positive impact in the lives of many teens.  After establishing the youth ministry, we left family and friends behind and moved to Seattle to open a new work for our organization.  The day we arrived in Seattle, our feet hit the ground running!  We quickly met all the neighbors that shared the bottom floor with us in the complex we lived in, and invited them to a  bbq at our place.  When the day of the bbq arrived, six of our neighbors showed up for the free meal, and thus, our 'church' officially opened it's doors. 

We loved in Seattle for five years.   I say 'loved' because when I was searching for the word to best describe it, this is the one that resonated loudest in my head.  I also heard 'labored' and believe me when I say this, we did alot of that too!  But it was a labor of love.  Over the years we came into contact with many people, and had the awesome privilege of being in a position to help alot of people in many different ways.  In March of 2002, my husband and I went over to South Africa to visit a church from our organization.  We were there for a a few weeks working in the township of Soweto. The day before we were to return home to the States, we took a last drive around the township.  We came to a little valley and found a place to pull over and park the car.  As we go out , every direction we looked as far as the eye could see, were squatter camps.  Little shelters made of corrugated tin, pieces of boards and rocks.  A sea of humanity existing in horrendous conditions, and no one there to throw them a lifeline.  We could feel their cry.  We were irrevocably changed .  As we left South Africa to return home, we left behind us a piece of our hearts.  Eager to be reunited with the missing piece of ourselves, we quickly made the arrangements necessary to do so, bringing with us our 3 small sons on the adventure of a lifetime!  One thing that is true about all adventures, is that there are bumps along the way.  My mom was admitted to the hospital on the Wednesday before we caught the Monday flight to South Africa.  By Friday evening the doctor told us that she would not survive.  The arrangements were made to remove her from life support on Monday morning.  The day that was marked with a star in my calendar as the first day of our new life, was now bittersweet indeed.  Foreseeing the possibility of her death, my mom made me promise her something as I drove her to the hospital.  I had to promise her that no matter WHAT happened, we would still go to South Africa and try and make a difference. 

We arrived in South Africa hearts heavy with grief, but also bursting with excitement!  Eager to immerse ourselves into our new life, we worked daily in Vosloorus, the township we had chosen to start our mission in.  The poverty we saw is very hard to put into words.  Would that it be mandatory that every American spend time working in a third world nation.  You cannot hep but see the bigger picture of life.  My grief over the loss of my mother was kept in balance by the reward I felt each time I saw that the work we were doing was making a difference in lives.  Our mission in Vosloorus experienced great success, despite another obstacle that nearly derailed us.  I was involved in a nearly fatal car accident, that would leave me in a wheelchair for many months and my body forever held together with metal plates.  (too bad it didn't turn me into Angie the bionic woman!) As I spent over a month in the hospital, my husband was left alone to care for our three small sons aged 3, 5, and 7.   Our mission was open and functioning so he was also left  trying to keep the whole thing running smoothly with no help.  He had a crippled and grieving wife and three small sons to look after.  He was in a foreign nation, far from family and friends....surely, help was on the way!  Our organization sent the funds to pay for my medical care....but the help that we really needed, never came.  Because of this a piece of us died.   We continued our mission in South Africa.  When we returned home to the States a few years later, we were fatigued and battle worn, but also victorious!  We had built a fully functioning mission that was creating jobs, educating people and bringing hope to those who had none. 

As we tried to adjust to life in America we were in need of a little T.L.C. to help us recharge after a long battle.  We were shocked when we looked around and there was no one there.  Where were those who loved and celebrated each new achievement we made? Was their love for us conditional, based only on what we accomplished for the organization?  Unfortunately, it was.  Our faith was rocked!!  At a time when we so desperately needed someone to make a deposit in our lives, our life account slowly went bankrupt.  Our ever present smiles that once were so genuine and real, became a mask that we hid behind as our lives  fell apart. 

We were offered a position within a different organization, and thinking that a change would be good we set off to begin our California adventure.  And an adventure it has been!  Almost from the day we got here, the promises that had been made to us by the CEO of the new organization began to be broken.  We struggled to find our place in our new 'family' but unfortunately that never happened.  Once again we found ourselves a long way from home and utterly alone.  The saying 'when it rains, it pours' doesn't even begin to describe how things were going for us.  We were standing in this downpour and there was no one willing to share their umbrella with us!  Our minds couldn't wrap around the complete betrayal we felt.  We had given of ourselves until all that we were was gone.  And we stood alone in the dark, no hand reaching to us in love.  We lost faith in the goodness of man.  We despaired that we would never be loved as we had loved others.  And so it has been for the last two years.  Loneliness and depression have been my constant companions.  My grasp was slipping on the essence of me.  Here is where all of you come in.  I joined Cafemom in October of last year.  Immediately I felt I had been thrown a life preserver.  As I met more and more women and heard their stories and shared my own, the sting of rejection from those in the past slowly started to fade.  Though my heart may have been coming back to life, the circumstances that my family and I faced seemed insurmountable.  Daily I cried "why God, why?"  Had we done something wrong?  Were we being punished?  I prayed every day just for the strength enough to make it one more day, all the while angry that I had to ask for the strength at all!  Why couldn't life just be a little easier so that it wasn't so hard to hold on? 

I have always been a firm believer that there is something to be learned in every trial we go through.  I decided to look at our present circumstances and figure out what I needed to learn about myself.  I asked God to open my eyes to the bigger picture and give me a new perspective on my struggles.  What could I learn?  How could I grow?  I wanted to learn what I was meant to learn quickly, so I could move on!    Yesterday, a group of Cafemom friends from our local group showed up on my doorstep.  As they and their children started filing through the door, each one of them was loaded down with bag, after bag, after bag of groceries.  My refrigerator was empty, my cupboards absolutely bare.  But as trip after trip was made back and forth from their cars, my shelves became full to overflowing with food.  And not just FOOD, no!  Laundry soap, toilet paper, Kleenex, wipes, tooth-paste...the list goes on and on!  There was also a box of personal goodies just for me!  Bath salts and body lotions, shower gels and yummy candles...I can't list it all!  My mind was overwhelmed, I couldn't take it all in!  I kept saying "oh my God, oh my God" like a skipping record that cant get to the next lyric!  Words failed me.  How do you express the feelings of your heart?  How do you find the words that will adequately describe the impact that love has on your life?  When the girls had left I went upstairs to my room and shut the door.  I stood there in the center of my room, head tipped back towards Heaven and thanked God for providing a way, where there was NO WAY.  And as I thanked Him for using these women to bring blessing to this house, I felt him open my eyes and I saw the bigger picture.  I saw it!  I have been wondering if God is mad at us, or if we've done something wrong...but I felt him say to me  that He didn't cause these things to happen....He ALLOWED them to happen.  The fires of life will refine you, the unimportant things are burned away.  The things that I learned during these years, were instantly revealed to me...and I finally understood.  They were painful lessons...but they made me who I am now.  And I can honestly say that I really like who I have become...and I wouldn't change a thing.  That sounds insane, I know.  But if I changed ONE thing...it would change everything and I wouldn't be the person I am today.  My Cafemom sisters who sacrificed despite their own needs to bless my family, is the picture of a cheering crowd at the finish line of a long race.  Your love for us restored our faith in the goodness of man.  You had no hidden agenda as you brought blessing to my life.  There was no requirements for us to fulfill in exchange for your love.  You gave to us freely, many of you not even knowing who we are. Your hearts were moved with compassion because you saw a need.  Your love has changed our family.  You ministered to the ministers who had lost sight of the light.  The power of love is amazing!  It can bring light to those struggling in the dark and show them the way home.  Thank you for bringing us back to the light when no one else did.  Thank you for representing the good that is in mankind when we had lost all hope.  My prayer is that the lighthouse of love you created will continue to burn brightly in these dark times.  May the beacon of love continue to guide those who are lost, safely home.  LOVE.  It is the greatest thing on earth.  It can change the world!  I want you to know that just as you stretched out your hand to grasp mine and pull me back up, I will stretch out my other hand and follow your lead.

Tags: grief, love, hope, life, family, struggle, pain, recovery, help, mother, daughter, blessing, happiness, joy

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